fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2321 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2321 ⌋

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the other day I was hanging out with a dear friend and her husband and they were joking that I should marry them and we could be a happy trio, and I said "yeah, you guys have the kids and I'll raise them!" And a lightbulb when on.

so the conclusion of this story is that I apparently discovered what I want out of life just now (at the age of 29) and it's not legal but hey.
fml.

Marriage isn't legal, but that set-up is totally do-able with the right people.

Yeah, this. Sadly, I don't think there are too many polygamous people out there to choose from.

You want to raise other people's kids, or you want to be in a poly marriage?

ayrt
I want to be in a loving three-way relationship wherein my role within the house is caretaker of the children (which is what I do for a living anyway-- I'm a nanny). But I do not want to give birth to said children because that shit terrifies me.

I'm with you on that last part. The idea of raising a child seems kind of nice to me, but the idea of physically manufacturing one with my body horrifies me.

Same. Horrifies me. And yet...the thought of the kid sharing my DNA is cool to me. Quandary :(

use a surrogate! best of both worlds.

I think the idea of being able to outsource gestation is one of the only things that's ever made me fleetingly wish I were male.

Hmm, yes. "Outsource gestation," hahah. A little part of me sort of wishes tank babies were real.

Here's the issue

1. Finding a polyamorous couple this will work with
2. The relationship not exploding in a fiery romantic Hindenberg and taking the kids down with it

I suggest making sure you're actually cut out for polyamory before trying something that involves children. What sounds hot to you in theory might not end up hot in practice. People make it work! But some people don't.

There's always Big Love marathons.

ayrt
honestly I've never had sex and I have an extremely low libido, and a little bit of alone time is enough to take care of it, so it's a weird topic to broach either way? I want the security and love of the relationship but not necessarily the sex I suppose.

Okay, so... you'd not only need to find a polyamorous couple that wants to add a live-in third who'll take care of their children, but they also need to not want to have sex with you.

I guess what I'm saying is that before seriously seeking out this kind of relationship (which you can do, I'm sure there's websites with couples looking) you might want to get out into the scene a bit?

The thing that worries me is adding kids to the mix. You want a position where you'd be an important part of their life. From my understanding three person relationships can be really tricky to begin with, let alone with little growing people observing.

I'm not opposed to sex, I just don't have much of a libido... I was kinda thinking that might help me out in this situation, honestly!

But you want them to love you and think of you as a part of the relationship--sex is an important part of the relationship for many people.

This is going to sound like I'm making fun of you, but please hear me out: have you considered becoming a live-in nanny?

I am a nanny actually. I'm not an actual part of the family, and I don't think of the family I work for in this way, either.

da

Maybe switch employers where you will be considered more a part of the family? If your bosses are treating you like "the help" or part of the furniture, it might be time to bail.

I read in Scientific American a little while ago that there was a study that showed that kids tend to do best when raised in households where there are a minimum of three adult caregivers devoted to the kids' welfare. "Not two. Three." The typical arrangement is probably a couple and kids with a live-in grandparent or aunt/uncle, or possibly a close but platonic friend of the couple, rather than a poly relationship. Still, it sounds like this sort of thing would be beneficial for children, provided the relationship is stable.

that is fascinating!

Well, do you want to be part of a romantic unit or just a close-knit unit and take care of the family? Could you bring it up again to these friends and see if they'd actually be interested in the idea? (Unless you're not interested in this with them.)

It may not be legal but I have no doubt that if you figure out exactly what you want and go looking for it that you could find it.

since the idea literally just occurred to me I'm not even sure yet, but I think it's the latter-- I'm not a particularly romantic person, really, but I do want to feel loved and like part of a family unit. I've always said I didn't want a family, but that never sat well with me, because I love kids and I DO want to be with people, I just blanch at the thought of the married-with-children thing somehow.

ayrt and this is pretty much like having a conversation with myself now. I still have faith that I can find my own unconventional family, but I know how hard and weird it is.

[ SECRET POST #2321 ]

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It's totally legal, just can't do the marriage part.

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