fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2383 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2383 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01. http://i.imgur.com/xFMajFq.gif
[Hannibal; moving gif]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

02. [SPOILERS for Hawaii Five-O]

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03. [SPOILERS for Ashes to Ashes/Life on Mars]

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04. [SPOILERS for A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

05. [WARNING for rape]

[Russell Brand]

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06. [WARNING for sexual assault]

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07. [WARNING for chan/shota]

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08. [WARNING for emotional abuse]

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09. [WARNING for rape/dub-con]

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10. [WARNING for incest]

[Fosters]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #340.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I could use your guys' views on this... I'm not sure what to call this kind of phenomenon.

For a long time now, I've had this thing...I guess you could call it an ideal... that I would die in my job before I got older. I guess it's due to a lot of things-- partly because I don't feel like I'm worthy of a fulfilling, long life, partly because I want to die doing what I believe in, and partly because I don't want to face the consequences of the things and people I love dying as I get older. I've already seen too many people hurt and in pain and dead, I don't want anymore.

But more than that-- I want to suffer. I want to get hurt, I want it to last. Not because I think it sounds cool or exciting, but because... I guess I just feel like I deserve it. I've spent my life living under shitty conditions, so I must deserve it. I deserve to hurt, and for my end to be spent in pain and suffering. I don't want help or comfort from my friends or family, I want to die alone and in misery because I deserve it.

This isn't something I'm proud of or enjoy, or think is cool. Objectively, it seems like a terribly bad way to go through life, but personally, I can't think of anything more that I deserve.

sounds like depression and low self-esteem in some variation

That's not survivor's guilt by any stretch. Survivor's guilt is when someone survives something, usually something fairly traumatic, that killed other people. For example, someone surviving a car crash that killed someone, or train crash that killed people. What you're describing isn't that - unless you've left out a pretty big detail.

Still...It sounds a *lot* like depression and some level of self hate maybe? Either way, you're not 'bad enough' [or however you'd like to phrase it] to deserve to die like that. You really aren't, and it sounds like, if possible, you might really benefit from talking to a pro.

I'm terribly sorry that you feel this way, Anon. I also suffer from depression, anxiety, and guilt/self-hatred, but through therapy and proper programs (like hospitalization, partial hospitalization, out patient therapy, etc.), you'll see that you are more important and worthy than you think. These are feelings that will diminish over time if you get yourself the proper care and remember to be more gentle on yourself. I know that's way easier said than done, but it is possible to enjoy, and even love, life again.

My honest $.02 is that fixating on dying early is simply a way of maintaining a mental get-out clause against being responsible for your own future happiness. I say this because I used to do it all the time. It's awfully convenient in a lot of ways; you're going to die, so you don't need to worry if your relationships and friendships are joyful enough to be worth maintaining. You're going to die, so you don't need to build a good career that will keep you healthy and wealthy and leave you time to enjoy yourself and enough money to save for retirement. You're going to die, so you don't need to put any thought into your physical or mental health. You're going to die, so why build skills, or show up to class?

(I also don't know why you feel this way. But unlike above anon, I'm going to say it MIGHT be actual survivor's guilt, because I know a good few of us got like this due to our relatives dropping like flies while we were young and thereby realising that a lot of people just don't last that long and maybe, maybe, we'll be one of them. If your job really can be lethally hazardous, that might also be a trigger for survivor's guilt.)

I don't know what part of the cause-effect spectrum of depression this lies upon, but at some point, you're going to have to drop the 'I'm dying' get-out clause and start owning your shit. It's very gradual and way easier than it sounds because most of it will be stuff you wind up wanting to have. And yeah, you DO deserve a non-shitty life. It is in no way your fault that it started off shitty, but you can shape it into something better. It just feels like such an overwhelming amount of effort that it's hard NOT to shut down and go 'fuck it, gonna die' at the thought of it.

[ SECRET POST #2383 ]

Survivor's guilt..?

Re: Survivor's guilt..?

Re: Survivor's guilt..?

Re: Survivor's guilt..?

Re: Survivor's guilt..?