fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2385 ]

[ SECRET POST #2385 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2385 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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A couple of my (male) coworkers are very friendly and very...handsy. Not in a walking-sexual-harassment-lawsuit way, just...they'll pat my shoulder randomly in greeting and it seriously wigs me the hell out. (Not just me - they'll do it to others as well.)

When I told one of them to not touch me, he got cranky and bitched about "why does nobody here like to be touched?" The second dude has only done it once so far, and I froze up and felt bad about saying anything because the first had such a bad reaction. (And then I got mad because I really shouldn't have to feel bad about asking somebody to respect my boundaries.)

I just...uhg. Dudes need to stop thinking it's okay to just randomly touch people without asking first! (I mean, women, too, because I think touching people without knowing if it's okay is really disrespectful and gross, regardless of the genders of the people involved, but between customers and coworkers, far many more men think it's okay to touch me than women.)

IDK. I just needed to rant. Does anybody else have any handsy coworkers/acquaintances? What do you or did you do about it?

You were in the right. He's a child.

Shit man, I've had people tell me not to touch them and my first reaction isn't, "How dare you deny me what is rightfully mine." I was all, "Oh shit, I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I will not do that. Is there anything else I should know too?" Because accidentally causing someone to feel bad sucks. I learned this in preschool so the dude needs to grow the fuck up. It's not about him.

Well, now at least you know the guy is an idiot. Luckily, it won't be a surprise later down the line when you've actually gotten attached to him or something.

Sucks though, anon. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Edited 2013-07-14 22:45 (UTC)

*Hugs* I'm sorry you have to be surrounded by these men.

When are we going to create a virus or something to wipe out the males?

Not trolling, and not exaggerating, I genuinely think sometimes the word would be much better without these animals.

You realize the OP is male, right?

No? Where does it say that?

(I mean, women, too, because I think touching people without knowing if it's okay is really disrespectful and gross, regardless of the genders of the people involved, but between customers and coworkers, far many more men think it's okay to touch me than women.)

I think you're reading that wrong.

I read it as "far many more men than women think it's okay to touch me."

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

forgottenjester - 2013-07-14 23:08 (UTC) - Expand

nayrt I think the part you highlighted says more about what men usually do than women. As in, men tend to be more touchey-feely and women don't. I don't think you can deduce OP's gender based on that. OP could very well be a woman and have more men than women touching her.

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

forgottenjester - 2013-07-14 23:09 (UTC) - Expand

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-14 23:08 (UTC) - Expand

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

forgottenjester - 2013-07-14 23:09 (UTC) - Expand

Besides, the rant is about unwanted physical contact... and the anon offers a hug to comfort OP. Fail much or plain ol' trolling?

I'm trolling or the anon is? Or are you being sarcastic? I can't tell.

Edited 2013-07-14 23:00 (UTC)

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-14 23:04 (UTC) - Expand

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

forgottenjester - 2013-07-14 23:06 (UTC) - Expand

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-14 23:07 (UTC) - Expand

(frozen comment) Re: STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

(Anonymous) - 2013-07-14 23:12 (UTC) - Expand

Siiiiiigh

*Hugs* I'm sorry you have to be surrounded by these people.

When are we going to create a virus or something to wipe out the humans?

Not trolling, and not exaggerating, I genuinely think sometimes the world would be much better without these animals.

Robot supremacists rise!

Ughhhh, I don't know where these people's minds are. You don't just touch random people! Why do they think that's okay!?

I used to work with a girl who liked to greet me by coming up behind me and clawing at my shoulder with her gnarly acrylic nails. It was the WORST. D:

For the first dude, a good response might be, "Why would you want to touch people without first knowing they're okay with it?"

But honestly, he's probably a lost cause. The tantrum is telling-- it's his way of being defensive over not being able to touch whoever he wants, whenever he wants regardless of their feelings. You called him on his annoying behavior, and now he feels bad so he's going to try and make you (and others) feel guilty for raining on his parade. Don't buy into his bullshit, just stay calm, say that while some people are more touchy-feely, you aren't and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

"why does nobody here like to be touched?"

That's unsettling. He doesn't see it as himself being in the wrong for touching people, but their fault for not liking it.

You're right, anon, you should not feel bad for having boundaries and wanting people to respect them.

not OP - and the fact that it sounds like this dude's done it to more than one person and has been told by more than one person that they don't want to be touched. But he doesn't see the problem on his end.

Ugh. Creepy.

For the first guy, if he does grab at you again, push him away and say something like "Do you think your right to touch my body is more important than my right to not be touched?". Frame the question in such a way that he sounds like a total scumbag (because he is).

When he whines "it's just a hand on your shoulder!" then just repeat it. He either has to say no and back off, or be exceptionally stupid and say yes, in which case you report him. (Asking him to not to touch you and him not stopping is grounds to get higher ups on your side).

As for the other guy, honestly, talk to him. He might be respectful, and it'll be fine. If he isn't, then just treat him the same as the other guy.

Oh, the first one's stopped - he may have been grumpy, but he at least understands that continuing to do something like that after the person's told him not to is grounds for sexual harassment. I don't really think he's a terrible guy, just perhaps a little...uninsightful? Like, he doesn't always consider how he might be perceived.

I think the second's the same way, and he is likely apologize if I tell him to not - I just don't think it occurs to him that even if I'm friendly, that doesn't mean I'm going to be receptive to gestures he considers friendly.

I thankfully haven't encountered any real creeps here, just guys who mean well but don't always consider the other person's perspective. Our HR person is awesome and I'd be running to her so fast if I thought either of these guys were actually being gross instead of just making mistakes.

That is good news, and I'm glad you're not in any serious danger. And if that changes, you have excellent support.

As for the second guy, I wouldn't worry about telling him to step back if that's your impression. It's basic respect, and if he gives you shit, I honestly recommend that question in my initial comment.

Touchy feely creepers like to violate your boundaries and often guilt trip you into being 'weird' for not going along with it. The question of forces them to down to two answers - one where they leave you alone, and one where they show their ass. It also makes it pretty clear you ain't tolerating that shit.

I tend to sort of view things in the worst possible scenario, so I always end up giving somewhat unnecessary advice. Sorry about that. >_>

Hey, no worries ^^ I much prefer people taking it too seriously to not taking it seriously at all. I was honestly expecting at least one person to say that I'm being oversensitive, so it's a pleasant surprise to see people understanding the issue I'm having.

Ugh, sorry, OP. It's one thing if you know and are used to touch from the person, but randomly touching acquaintances is, um, intrusive.

"why does nobody here like to be touched?"

That is a REALLY BAD ATTITUDE. Nobody is entitled to being able to touch people. You should not feel bad about asking people not to touch you.

I have never had any qualms letting people know that it's not ok for them to touch me if I don't feel ok with it. I have been lucky not to meet anyone who has been insistently pushy with me after I sent them that message. creeeeeepy tbh.

I wish I could be more helpful :(

Ugh, this could be my life. I don't know why, I don't know if it's the culture I work in, but guys seem to like being touchy-feely with my back. And it's gross. It makes my skin crawl. What makes it even weirder for me is that I'm a really huggy person and I love to give (wanted) hugs, but these guys touching me gives me immediate NONONONO response.

One guy from my last job (who was my boss) kept walking up behind me while I was working and rubbing his hand on my back while checking my work. I mean really? Do you see me doing that to you, I don't know, ever? I reported him somewhat and they wouldn't do anything unless we had a "confrontation" talk. Yes, please, let's get my completely sexist and petty and grudgey and handsey boss in here to talk about how he shouldn't be sexist and petty and grudgey and handsey. THAT will go WELL.

At my current job, one guy just...just...I don't get it. I really don't think he knows what he's doing because he just doesn't give me creeper vibes but I've had to change the way I sit at my desk because any time he came to see me he always stood where the bottom of the seam of his crotch touched my elbow UUUUGH. I don't think I was ever actually touching anything and I don't think he realized he was doing it but guuuuh. And another guy did the back rubbing thing and I'm like seriously. -_-

I don't walk around pawing the guys all day, why do they think it's okay? Blech.

I hate being touched by anyone but my closest friends and family. In my circle of friends, hugging each other when you meet is customary. I once said I don't really like and most were okay with it. But that one girl (whom I don't really like, anyway) always does that thing now, where she goes around hug-greeting everyone and then fakes trying to hug me and goes "Oh, right, you don't ~like~ hugs" with the most annoying sneer possible. Fuck you, bitch, I didn't kill your dog.

I had a couple of handsy ones and oddly enough they stopped being handsy when they found out I was gay.

I guess maybe you can say things like "woah, personal space man!"(or however a casual phrase of back off would be for you" and step out of their reach/turn your body/basically make it real awkward for them to touch you.

Or just brush them off with "can you stop that please" and if they keep pushing follow up with a "what part of 'don't do that' aren't you getting"

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