fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2401 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2401 ⌋

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This is still really hard to talk about, even though I know it's the most ridiculous thing, but here goes. (I might also have posted about this years back, but I can't remember now.)

Starting from about middle school or so, I was always slightly less comfortable with boys, preferring to hang out with girls, and always requested to only be partnered with girls in classes and such. I don't think it was a huge thing, really, but there was some mild discomfort. In my teens, I also developed a fear of being sexually harassed, but I wasn't really preoccupied with it -- it was just something I would occasionally worry about. Probably more than most people, but not to an extreme.

Fast-forward to April 5, 2010. I was in a play for drama class, and was waiting to go on. The guy who was playing opposite me was what some might call a lovable skeeve. You know the type. Anyway, he sat down behind me, so I asked him to please move over a few seats, because the row was otherwise empty, and I freak out when people get physically close to me (this was already true at the time), especially when they're behind me. He moved over one seat so that he was still way too close, and proceeded to make his brand of "jokes". I thought I was making it pretty clear that I was uncomfortable, with my posture and my verbal reactions, but he continued on until he said something that...by most standards, was actually rather tame, but I just can't bring myself to repeat it. I've waited a long time to bury it in my mind and I'm not digging it back up now.

Anyway, at this comment, I stormed off and almost left the auditorium before deciding that it would solve nothing (I used to leave rooms really dramatically when upset and then refuse to do anything other than sit and fume, but I was mostly over that habit by then, and even if I had been immature enough to blow off the play, I still wouldn't have done so, because I wanted to be in it). I sat down close to the teacher and waited until it was time to go on.

Just before my scene, however, the whole thing of it, the classmate's words and his not backing off and everything, it all just...it had been like gas floating around in my brain, and then it suddenly found a spark and everything exploded. That's the best way I can think of to describe it at the moment. I just completely broke down, I was inconsolable, I'm pretty sure they had to call an unplanned intermission, which makes me feel like an unprofessional little diva when I look back, but I was so upset I could barely even speak for a minute.

The teacher sat me down and I told her what he had said, and she kind of gave him this look like "is that true?" and he looked really guilty and apologized, saying he just meant it as a joke and didn't mean to upset me like that, and I like to think I told him he should have backed off when I asked, but I don't know whether I said that or not.

Ever since then, my discomfort around men has grown to the level of mild phobia, and my fear of any kind of unwanted advances has escalated into what is usually at the back of my mind but occasionally rears its head as a full-blown terror. One night, I had a breakdown because my period was two days later than its usual spot on the pill case, and I was half-convinced someone had broken into my room, chloroformed me so I'd stay asleep, and raped me. (Some nice person on Yahoo Answers told me that if that happened, I'd feel it when I woke up.) But that's the kind of degree it can get to when I'm really worked up.

The thing of it is, I believed him when he said he was kidding, and I still do. It was barely a step above his usual sense of humor, if that. So what I'm contending with is an automatic distrust and strong discomfort around non-prepubescent male-bodied individuals and a nagging paranoia that someone might be attracted to me (yes, it's not just rape or molestation, I would freak out if I even found out someone was attracted to me), all stemming from a single, brief, innocuous example of well-intended verbal sexual harassment.

Jesus. Would you believe I started writing this an hour ago? ._.

I don't really have much to say other than there is no innocuous well-intended verbal sexual harassment. That guy was an ass and he knew he was making you uncomfortable. People like to hide behind the "it was just a joke" line all the time when no, it's not a joke. It's harassment. So don't try and talk yourself out of that, I think there was real reason to be upset.

Like I said, I don't have anything else to day about the rest but I would suggest seeking professional help if it's available to you. It's obviously something that's affecting your life in a negative way and is bothering you, so seeking help could really be beneficial. *hugs* if you want 'em.

He doesn't get a pass for "good intentions" okay. :/

But I also think all of this didn't stem from that single incident. It might have been the catalyst?

I know this isn't helpful advice for a lot of people/situations but I don't think you're going to find anything helpful or constructive on an internet fandom forum. I'd advise talking to a professional or at least a forum better equipped for this kind of thing? Hopefully someone else here can point you in a better direction?

While yeah, what he did was shitty and should have backed off, there's no point in blaming him for your condition right now. The way it sounds, your phobia was just waiting for something to trigger it, so it doesn't stem from that one incident.

Definitely try to get professional help. Phobias don't have rhyme or reason, but you can definitely learn to cope with it. It isn't a question that you HAVE to like men, but definitely if it's constantly with you, that's hampering your life.

Like they said, there is no such thing as "well-intended" sexual harassment. So long as everyone's on the same level with the joke I think it's fine, but as soon as it crosses the line it becomes harassment. In my life, I give one warning when my boundaries are crossed, then I take issue. Especially since you made it clear you were uncomfortable, though, it was simply sexual harassment.

That aside, it's likely not the root of your fear and anxiety. I highly recommend any kind of treatment available to you so you can manage your stress reaction. It sounds like the level of stress you experience could be detrimental to your health, not just your psyche -- all the adrenaline wears down the body! Nothing to do with the phobias, necessarily, just learning how to calm yourself when you physically, physiologically feel worked up like that.

By the by, I totally believe it took you an hour. It's nigh as stressful relating accounts as experiencing them, the first time around! Breathe through your nose, hon. It's okay.

[ SECRET POST #2401 ]

Agraphobia, androphobia, and my really dumb reason for them (tw: sexual harassment/assault)

Re: Agraphobia, androphobia, and my really dumb reason for them (tw: sexual harassment/assault)

Re: Agraphobia, androphobia, and my really dumb reason for them (tw: sexual harassment/assault)

Re: Agraphobia, androphobia, and my really dumb reason for them (tw: sexual harassment/assault)

Re: Agraphobia, androphobia, and my really dumb reason for them (tw: sexual harassment/assault)