Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2013-07-31 06:49 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2013-07-31 06:49 pm
[ SECRET POST #2402 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2402 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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[The Sound of Music]
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[Saki]
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[Akumu-chan / My Little Nightmare]
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[Nostalgia Critic]
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[Arrested Development]
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 032 secrets from Secret Submission Post #343.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - ships it ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
TW depression & self-harm
(Anonymous) 2013-08-01 12:41 am (UTC)(link)It started some years ago. I was amidst the deepest depression. This person was the only one who stayed with me. Back to present, things are like in the fucking Rihanna song, you know which one. When things are good, they're awesome. When things are bad, it's like everything gets consumed by poison and aggression. I'm not entirely blameless in this, but this relationship I don't know how to end is making my issues worse. After all my hard work to overcome my social phobia and panic attacks I'm back to stunt myself with alcohol to feel less anxious. Last night we had a fight so awful it drove me to a manic state in which I ended up cutting myself. I'm 25. I hadn't done that since I was 17. My stress and insomnia were so awful, I had to cuadruple my usual amount of benzos to finally get some sleep.
Every time I try to leave, she pulls me back into the relationship. To be honest, I can't go on like this. But I don't know how to live without her, either.
I don't know what I want to accomplish telling this here. Just venting, I guess. I'm sorry, F!S. There's no help/suicide line I can call on this country, and I feel fucking lonely. I'm too ashamed to unanon for this, or to tell my friends or family. And my therapist, I told her today and she was like "well you know what you have to do". And I know, I know I have to stop this, but I don't know how and whenever I've tried I miss her so much, it's easy for her to pull me back again. I always end up falling. And then she makes me apologize for trying to leave.
I'm just so tired.
Re: TW depression & self-harm
(Anonymous) 2013-08-01 12:46 am (UTC)(link)You need to make a clean break. It's never going to get awesome for ever and you're both suffering. Move out, change your phone number, tell your friends and family you don't want to have any contact with her anymore, move on the other side of the country if you need to. No one should be made to feel like this because of someone they love.
Good luck, and hang in there. *hugs*
Re: TW depression & self-harm
Would it be possible for you to cut off contact so she CAN'T pull you back? Change your number/web handle, maybe stay somewhere for a while that she wouldn't be able to find you at, so you could have a clean break?
It sounds like you think you still owe this person something for 'staying with you'...I kind of doubt that is the case at this point, and it's certainly not grounds for continuing a relationship if it's actively making your life worse.
eta: and you really, really, really have nothing to be ashamed of here. It's not your fault that a toxic person is making you suffer - that's just what she wants you to believe.
eta2: you are too awesome to be suffering alone, and while not everyone responds to this kind of shit in a caring fashion, esp. not when the abuser is a woman, your friends and family might know more than you think but be unsure what to do about it or how to support you. They may also remember your previous signals that you've been needing help getting out of this.
Re: TW depression & self-harm