fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2402 ]

[ SECRET POST #2402 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2402 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[The Sound of Music]

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[Saki]

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[Akumu-chan / My Little Nightmare]

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[Nostalgia Critic]

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[Arrested Development]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 032 secrets from Secret Submission Post #343.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - ships it ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Is it normal for parents to strictly dictate the showering habits of an adult living in their home? Like seriously I'd LOVE to take a shower in the evening but my mom is like "as long as you're in my house you'll shower every morning."

Like she tells me that it's for health that after puberty I HAVE to do it every morning and cannot do it in the evenings or I'll be smelly and gross when I wake up. It's frustrating that i can't make these choices and yet I get lectured about "acting like an adult.

I don't feel like an adult. At all. I've never felt like one. Take driving class in high school? Forget it. I'm "not responsible and don't get good grades". (never mind that I was bullied since kindergarten and school has NEVER been easy for me). I still have to rely on other people to get me anywhere. I have to pay my savings to go to college for another year because I have to 'prove' I'll stick to it and am "worth" paying for.

There's nothing I can fight back because "it's their house". Whenever I dare ask them to pay for so much as an article of fucking clothing they act as if i"m the most spoiled bitch alive, because i'm trying to save my money like they told me. But "that's the real world , honey" .

People have told me I should leave....but I don't know how. I don't know how to live without their help and I don't think I'll survive.

Dictating when you shower because some make-believe "you'll wake up smelly" nonsense is bullshit, but everything else? Yeah. Their house, their rules. Unless you literally don't have enough clothes to get you through a week, extra clothes are your responsibility, and you have to decide if a sacrifice elsewhere is worth a new top now. And if your grades haven't been up to snuff, I understand being hesitant about paying for college while the not unreasonable fear exists that it's an educational experience that will be wasted on you. And I'm not saying that it IS, just that I get the fear.

Wouldn't we all love to have mommies and daddies that pay for everything we could ever want or need? Your parents may be going to stupid extremes, but in the end, the lesson is that we have to work for things, and maybe we don't always get we want.

What kind of help are they giving you though that you don't think you'll survive without? Because it doesn't really sound like they're doing jackshit except providing a roof over your head. And if you pay them for that, there's no reason you can't pay an actual landlord who won't be all up in your business and have some freedom. You'll survive.

I have a developmental disorder. I also have medical needs that I could die without. I also feel unprepared for life in general. That's probably partly my fault.

I also don't have a job right now. I have two hundred dollars in savings. I kind of have to stay here until i can get out on my own.

also...I'd love it if they stopped taking the internet adapter I BOUGHT as punishment.

I know they pay for the internet but taking away my adapter and threatening to shut off internet in my room if I don't get a job in TWO MONTHES....that's kind of unreasonable. Also. How the hell am I supposed to get a job without the internet.

The same way other people get jobs without the internet. They put on their socks and shoes, walk in and pick up an application.

Fuck the other anon. Yes, paying for your own stuff is a thing adults do and yeah, you can't always expect them to pay for clothes and college. But everything else sounds like it could be abuse. (I could be wrong, obviously. I've just been reading a lot about this lately.)

Check out this site and see if anything rings any bells: http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Specifics though:

First of all, you actually CAN'T get jobs without the Internet anymore. No, putting on your shoes and socks and going out (without a way to get around because heeeeey not everywhere as public transport! WEIRD WORLD RIGHT) actually isn't accepted a lot of places. They say "oh go online and fill out an application thanks bye." So seriously, fuck the guy who said that.

Second, how old are you exactly? It sounds like 19/20? You should be able to get your licence now (without parental permission because you're an adult), but I have to assume you haven't because they won't let you for whatever reason. If you can manage, that might be a good goal.

Third: Proving your "worth" paying for is an asshole thing to do. Yeah, they have no obligations to pay, sure. That's well within their rights. But making you jump through hoops to "prove" yourself? It just rubs me the wrong way. Combine that with the "act like an adult" shower lecture it just creeps me out and makes me feel like it's all a way to make you feel bad about yourself disguised as caring.

I don't know how to help you with leaving, OPanon. I would have sent you a personal message if I could. But if other people have said it, it might be a good idea. Living alone isn't quite as hard as I expected, personally, but I also don't know what troubles you have that you mentioned in other comments.

If you wanna talk, you can email me: many_happy_kittens@yahoo.com

Gotta disagree. This person honestly sounds like they are whining. I'll admit the shower thing is real but I'm seeing more resentment of circumstances then abuses heaped upon another.

Also, tons of places still take fucking paper applications, the fuck are you on about?

This person definitely needs to get out of their house, at least sometimes. But I'm not sure if they have done much of anything without prompting, ever.

Yeah....the clothes thing was stupid.

So far I've gone out store to store twice. Came home with some business cards and an application. Everybody else? Applications online.

I think it depends on the area.

I've considered leaving but...uh...idk I'd die without my medication and my parents INSIST on doling my medication out. The minute I miss a day or take my meds too late? They decide I can't be trusted to do it, and take control. "We can't trust her to take her own medication. We have to do it."

I can't question them or hey I'm arguing and get my shit taken.

So sorry if I sound like I'm whining. But I'd like to have a place to complain about this situation I'm stuck in without having something taken from me.

And the eviction threats? Well...when I tell them that "hey I want to leave and go out on myself. I have a plan and everything" All I asked is that they do like they said they would years ago when I talked about moving and said they would pay for a medication I would DIE without. The moment they realized I was serious about my plan....."no you can't stay at a homeless shelter those aren't for people like you, it's for alcoholics and abused people. Stay here!"

But when I screw up they say they'll kick me out to keep me in line.

Edited 2013-08-01 20:47 (UTC)

Do you have a public library? Because there's free internet there. Have you looked into any job-training or independent living programs for people with disabilities? Because that sounds like a place to start.

And if you really do feel like you're being abused, you need to talk to somebody of authority.

Yeah It's a pretty big city.

I've taken a look at a few of them I've developed a plan . Basically, to play along with them . "If you don't like it, leave" "oh okay. Lemme get my bags packs. I know the address of a good shelter. Oh and I'll need my meds too"

I honestly believe they just don't know what really want. If their threats don't get to me.

Thanks for the advice.

That sounds like a good plan, actually, should it come to that.

That does sound like emotional and economical abuse.

And no, shelters aren't only for abused and alcoholic people, it's for people who need a place to stay when they need it (like you, if you so chose to). Your parents are controlling you with fear, but it sounds like you already know this.

How expensive is your medication? Could you afford to pay it yourself as you find a place to stay on your own? Definitely try to working towards saving money and make sure you put it in a bank account your parents don't have access to.

Not sure. I think it's fairly inexpensive. The other medicine I take for my OCD / anxiety is expensive but also important I'm a nervous wreck without it. I have some savings put away in two jars in my room.

I think I could pay for it...maybe for two months unless I got a job quickly.

Edit: shit ...I just found out I was wrong. Synthroid is twenty dollars.and my other stuff is over $100 without insurance, I swear Our medical system needs a way to give people medicine they need and not rob them blind.

Edited 2013-08-01 22:51 (UTC)

Would they take you off your insurance if you left home? That's...unusual to say the least, and I'd note that denying medical care to children when you can afford it is a VERY common narcissistic behaviour.

That said, avoid DaughtersOfNarcissisticMothers - the site's admin is really sketchy. Check out this instead: http://bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/

That's very sad, because a huge part of being an adult is making mistakes and learning from them. I wish there was a way for you to talk to them WITHOUT it being seen as 'questioning' them, eg, if you were asking for their help in coming up with a goal list/roadmap for becoming more independent, or asking if you should all renegotiate the household responsibilities so you're doing your full share as a third adult household member. Or a list of things you want their help learning how to do around the house/garden/neighbourhood, so you could then go out and ask around to see if anyone needed household help/lawns mowed/etc so you could make a bit of money.

The other option would be the nuclear one, eg. just packing your bags and going, or refusing to take your medication unless they allowed you to control it. At the end of the day they can't MAKE you do anything. All they can do is issue threats and act on them, and if you can survive without that adapter for a while? If they don't HAVE any other threats after that, you can then do what you want with impunity. As the dude said, the ultimate weapon is the ability to say 'no' and take the consequences.

Not all overcontrolling parents are narcissists, but the showering thing is the kind of bizarrity that means one can't rule it out. Though I'd wonder if your OCD is inherited from a parent obsessed with ritual cleanliness. You should ask them to get that checked out, and meanwhile, bring it up with another adult while they're in the room to give them a really awkward and embarrassing reality check. That would be fun.

Thanks.

Edited 2013-08-01 18:34 (UTC)

That... does sound kind of abusive. Your parents should help you achieve independence, not hold you prisoner in your own home and constantly undermine you and chip away at your confidence to keep you emotionally and physically helpless.

I've read similar stories in these threads:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/forumdisplay.php?forumid=214

Unfortunately you need to buy an account to post and comment, and when they paywall is up (like right now), to read too.

I'm just saying, you're not the first person to be held kind of hostage by their own parents and be in a position where you can't dig yourself out easily. Other people have broken free, and I think you can too, but I sadly don't have the advice or knowledge of the right resources to do so.

Are there organizations to help people with mental conditions or to help adults where you live?

A counselor you could see, to listen to you, point you in the right direction of what to do and generally help you cope?

What you need is a support system of people who are not your parents so you can maintain perspective that, "no, what your parents are doing isn't okay, here's what should be happening and how you can work towards that".

Saving money to find your own place to live and working your way into learning to drive/getting a car so you can move around are probably the first steps you can take, but there are many more.

Well I'm hesitant about signing up for SA because I've heard that they're kind of nasty to people with Asperger Syndrome. I had enough of that for the last...all of my school career.

I think so my friends have given me some. and I have those on bookmark. My parents have offered a therapist I just need a few appointments completely alone with them so my parents don't push them towards "you just need to listen to your parents".

I would like someone with some influence to tell them they're wrong. They might do something if someone actually can get them to see my point of view. I do have ways to deal now. Which mostly include not taking their threats and making sure they know I'm prepared to leave if they threaten to kick me out. Because then they won't do it.

People on E/N tend to be nicer in general, but really, as long as you don't go all "no, I know better than you, your advice is shitty, etc. etc." kind of ungrateful or smug you should be fine.

Sometimes they are the tough love kind of people, and there are a few users who make troll posts, but for the most part you get genuinely good advice there.

I would like someone with some influence to tell them they're wrong. They might do something if someone actually can get them to see my point of view. I do have ways to deal now. Which mostly include not taking their threats and making sure they know I'm prepared to leave if they threaten to kick me out. Because then they won't do it.

Well, you know your parents better than I do, but don't gamble and people changing their minds when it comes to your future. They might come around, but they might not.

BUT it does sound like you're handling yourself just fine. :) I wish you the best of luck.

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[ SECRET POST #2402 ]

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I tend to use an anon account when complaining about home issues

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