fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2410 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2410 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[CSI: New York]

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03.

[Pride and Prejudice (2005)]

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04.

[Tripping Over You]

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[Almost Human]

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[Orange is the New Black]

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[Molly Quin/Alexis Castle from ABC's Castle]

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[VSauce]

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[Sherlock Hound]

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[The Leviathan Series]

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11.

[Welcome to Night vale]

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12.

[Gina Torres, Wonder Woman]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 025 secrets from Secret Submission Post #344.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Someone who was quite an inspiration to me died last night. I found out today. Problem is, rather than being a friend or family, they were my uni professor. Through several years of depression, it helped massively to have someone believe in me, and we used to end up having a lot of rambling conversations about politics/fandom/thinking the government were a bunch of twats. He reminded me quite a lot of my father. I hope I end up somewhat like him, in forty years or so.

I can't really speak to friends or family. They didn't know him, and I'm not sure how well I did, tbh. I know a few other students will be upset, but not in the same way - there was a professional and an age disconnect for most people. I hadn't even known he was ill (or at least, not terminally).

I know I probably seem weird for shedding tears for someone who I didn't even know outside of academic life and didn't have much in common with - pretty sure the people I know would feel that way too, and I don't really have anyone to turn to. I suddenly feel very alone in the world. Any advice or stories would help me a lot, f!s.

If he helped you as much as he did, then it's perfectly normal for you to mourn him. Do you know if you can get in touch with his family? Perhaps you can send a note to say how much he meant to you, as an inspirational figure. His family will perhaps, but it's very likely, feel some comfort knowing he will be missed by all who knew him.

I second this. It's really comforting to many families when people reach out and tell them how much a lost loved one meant to them. I know my mother cherishes those kinds of memories of my grandmother. Maybe the funeral home even has a thing online for people to leave comments and memories if you don't want to send a handwritten note. Many of the funerals I've been to in the past few years had that component.

For what it's worth I don't think that's weird at all. He's important to you and you have the right to grieve. Are you sure you can't speak to anybody about this? Even if they don't know him, I'm sure there is at least one person out there who can understand that you're grieving and be willing to listen to you. It's up to you, but I've found sitting down and talking to someone (usually my mom) helps me process things. Or try writing down everything you feel. Anything you have to do to let it all out.

no you are not weird for shedding tears over the death of someone you cared about. For the love of god. There aren't rules about who you can and cannot mourn for, why would there be?

Do get in touch - it's really normal. I had people I'd never met get in touch after my father died; former coworkers who'd not seen him in decades sending heartfelt messages about him, etc. Most people welcome contact like that after a bereavement and appreciate knowing how much their loved one meant to the people around them. If you want to attend the funeral, you should.

Best bereavement advice I ever got was to just take things one day at a time, and let yourself feel whatever you feel from day to day. Don't overthink it.

Edited 2013-08-09 01:11 (UTC)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a teacher when I was in high school die suddenly and it really upset me. There were some people who just didn't get it, but that doesn't make your pain or my pain any less valid. They were a person who touched our lives briefly and it's only natural to grieve. I don't think only people who were close to the deceased are allowed to grieve. You had a special connection with your professor and no one can take that away from you.

You shouldn't feel weird at all. I mean, there's no reason to feel bad about grief in general, but definitely not for grieving over someone you cared about, even if it's not common and mainstream.

One of my professors died in college shortly after I took a class from him. He was a wonderful old professor, incredibly enthusiastic and just adorable. He had been teaching at my university for 60 years after having done both his undergraduate and graduate work there so he was a living legend (and had actually known and worked with the subject of the class personally, which was kind of a trip). And I was sad when he died, even though I had only known him for a very short time, not as well as you did, and so was everyone else in my class. And I went to his memorial service, which I think was a good thing.

So yeah. It's okay to care about people in whatever capacity you care about them. It is noble and good and worthy.

Through several years of depression, it helped massively to have someone believe in me, and we used to end up having a lot of rambling conversations about politics/fandom/thinking the government were a bunch of twats.

Sounds to me like he was a friend. I'd suggest talking to a friend or family member, and simply saying that a friend from uni who was very important to you died, and you could use their company and support. They don't need to have known the person themselves to offer you sympathy and a shoulder to cry on (literally or figuratively).

During my second year of university, I found out one of my favorite math teachers passed away. Honestly, he didn't do much in the way of teaching math, but he did teach us a lot about living through experiences. He taught virtually until the day he died.

I was able to get back into town just in time for the memorial my school hosted. I hadn't seen him for two years, and hadn't liked the content of the class much, but he was a great person, and meant a lot to a lot of people. I liked him a lot, too. He was a great person who made a lot of people feel good about themselves, who went above and beyond to make his students feel good about themselves. The conversations we had, the ways he showed us to think and considering, and the stands he took on behalf of the students and teachers when the school administration treated us poorly or made us more grateful than anyone can imagine.

I didn't know him on a personal level, outside of class, or even talk to him as much as some others, but I liked him a lot and missed him even more when I learned he was gone.

So no, I don't think it's weird to mourn for an educator. You felt a connection with him, regardless of the setting or intimacy of the friendship.

I'm sorry for your loss, hon.

It is not weird or wrong that you're feeling this way. Someone who is important to you, and had a positive and lasting effect on your life has died. That is *hard*. You can talk about him to anyone you want, if you don't mind a short explanation of what he meant to you - even if they don't quite 'get it', if they love you, they'll listen. You don't have to have known his most intimate secrets for him to have had a profound influence on your life.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. If you can, attend the funeral or memorial. You can even say a few words to his family, like 'he was my professor and he helped me a great deal over the last (however long), I'm so very sorry.'

They'll be pleased to know he was fondly remembered by a student, and won't mind you being there, and it might help *you* to feel that you can say goodbye and shed some of your most acute grief.

*offers hugs*

Good teachers are precious; no reason not to mourn them.

Anon, grief works in different ways for everyone, and besides, it's not weird at all if
you connected with him in some way.

[ SECRET POST #2410 ]

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