fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2417 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2417 ⌋

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So, a while back, I had a major, friendship-ending falling out with a former close friend. (We're both partially to blame, and the details themselves aren't important.) I've spoken to her briefly since then, and all indication is that she hasn't stopped the behavior on her side that led to the falling out. Being friends again would just be out of the question.

But I still kind of miss her. We were friends for much longer than we haven't been, and I'm wondering if I'm just nostalgic for the stuff we used to talk about and do (creative projects, stuff like that), but it's getting kind of frustrating. I've even dreamed a couple times about meeting up somewhere, and after a lot of tension and anger, we start talking again.

And I'd seriously like that to stop, because we canNOT be friends again. I know that intellectually, and we'll just start fighting again and it'd be a disaster, so I'd like to know if there's any way to stop missing someone you KNEW was toxic for you.

Time. I know it's cliché, but trust me, time really does help with this kind of stuff.

It's true, I've been there a number of times for various reasons, and that big step from actively missing a friend to appreciating memories as something valuable but in the past can take a long time. Do things that make you happy that don't remind you of your friend and spend time with the ones you can still be close to. Imagine yourself in the future when you've completely moved on and how much better that will be. Because you'll get there.

I've been there. So many times. It's horrible.

One thing that helped me was talking things out with people. Everyone's had a friend like her - at least one. I've had many. I didn't even realize just how Not Cool some of the things my toxic friends said to me were until the way some of my other friends reacted when I told them! In one case I talked about it on LJ... I'd defriended the person so that was safe.

Also remind yourself that you deserve a friend who generally makes you happy. Who talks to you when you're upset, as opposed to faulting or blaming you.

I know this only helps so much. I've been there, and I wish I could tell you more, but I really can't. :/ I just... eventually moved on, I guess.

SA - wanted to add that when I say I talked about the person on LJ, it was flocked and I didn't name names.

If you do de-friend and talk about them on LJ, please don't do it if you have mutual friends hanging on. That's an ugly thing to put them in the middle of, and like it or not that's what you do by doing that.

SA

Yeah, when I say I talked about them on LJ, I'm talking about someone who was not friends with any of my friends. When it was people who I shared LJ friends with, I didn't say anything about it.

I'm in this exact same situation. I realized the other day I was continuing what I was doing wrong half to spite the person who broke it off and make myself feel better about it, somehow. (Stupid, right?)
I wish I could help, but I haven't stopped thinking about it after a couple months. It still hurts. I might just lurk this thread for suggestions, but know at least you're not alone. (I'm still holding out hope my friend and I might be friends again, but I can't make the first move.)

I had a similar experience.

The best things for me were finding other friends who could perform similar... functions*? When I needed those things I would end up going to them instead of her. Time also helped. It not only caused me to grow in a non-toxic environment but also see how much better off I was without her. On top of that, I find keeping busy and being around my good friends makes me think of her less.

Good luck keeping her away.

*Fuck I sound like an asshole robot. Sorry I just don't know how else to say it.

Edited 2013-08-16 02:44 (UTC)

I wish I knew, but I don't. I still miss my friend of 12 years and it's been 2 years exactly since we had a falling out. :( It still really hurts, and there's no fixing it.

[ SECRET POST #2417 ]

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