fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2433 ]

[ SECRET POST #2433 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2433 ⌋

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So I'm on a dating website where I've explicitly stated that I want to be married before I have sex (I'm a straight female looking for a straight male). This is a decision I've come to after years of thought, knowing myself and my own needs and desires and beliefs. (And no, I don't judge people who have premarital sex, there's nothing wrong with that choice either.)

And while I mostly get nice and polite messages that don't draw too much attention to this part of my profile or at least are nice about it, I've gotten several messages from men that read like this:

"So are you a virgin?" (no hello, no nothing, just that)

"You should know that you are missing out on a big part of life..." followed by a whole incredibly condescending paragraph about how my choices are wrong -- without knowing any of my reasoning behind them and not bothering to ask

"I wasn't going to write to you, but then I saw you didn't want to have pre-marital sex, and I like a challenge"

"For the record, staying a virgin until marriage is the worst mistake you'll ever make"

I usually delete these messages before I get the urge to respond with, "no, the biggest mistake I would ever make is sleeping with you" or, "OH MY GOD YOU'VE OPENED MY EYES CAN YOU COME OVER AND DO ME RIGHT NOW?" or a simple, "the fuck is wrong with you, do you actually believe I find this message attractive in any way?"

But now I'm wondering if I should just keep any letters I get and put them up altogether on tumblr. I may as well get something out of this idiocy, even if it is just notes. The part that really fucking creeps me out is that I don't believe that any or most of these guys are just trolling me. So what the hell is going through their minds when they write to me like that?

fuck if I know but YANA

I got a weird look from a DOCTOR the other day because I needed a pelvic ultrasound but I'm a virgin so they couldn't use the usual method

ugh I got shit from my GYN when I was SIXTEEN about being a virgin. I wonder what that woman would say if she knew that I'm still a virgin at 28.

That sounds kind of strange. I'm a virgin and I've had like... six or seven pelvic ultrasounds.

You should make a tumblr post, even just for funsies (although I bet it'd definitely get notes)

Pretty much 100% of the time they think they're hot shit and/or desperate and could persuade any woman to have sex with them no matter what they say. "Lesbian? oh I could convert you" "not interested? I think I can change that" "already have a boyfriend? He's probably no good for you, let me show you something better"

"I wasn't going to write to you, but then I saw you didn't want to have pre-marital sex, and I like a challenge"

ugggghhhhhhhhh ಠ_ಠ

The part that really fucking creeps me out is that I don't believe that any or most of these guys are just trolling me. So what the hell is going through their minds when they write to me like that?

A while back, a young woman wrote in to Savage Love saying that she was really very unattractive and while she accepted this, she didn't understand why guys would give her a hard time about this. She wasn't hitting on these guys or expecting them to ask her out and yet they would make a point of getting up in her face and giving her crap about not being pretty. Dan wrote back that sometimes, some me are raised to believe that women exist for their pleasure and they get offended when they encounter a woman who doesn't please them.* I consider myself attractive, but still I thought "This explains so much."

So, there are some guys out there who take it very personally when a woman does not look, act, or think exactly in line with what these guys want. Personally, I think it's not just entitlement, but also that they feel threatened and scared to be reminded that their options are somewhat limited: not all women are what they want, not all women care that they are not what these guys want and aren't going to change, and even when they are what they want, the women might not be interested anyway. Rather than just shrugging it off and moving on to the next option, these guys take it upon themselves to argue with these women about whatever it is they are doing "wrong" as a form of bargaining with the universe.

I think the guys sending you these messages aren't necessarily thinking in terms of trying to make you want to date them, they just feel they need to assuage their fears and put things "right" by telling you that you are wrong.

*To be fair, I think there are women who act the same way towards men, but they seem to express it differently.

Personally, I think it's not just entitlement, but also that they feel threatened and scared to be reminded that their options are somewhat limited

This. You could actually expand that to a lot of things. Whenever you come up against somebody who tells you your choices are wrong when they don't affect anybody but you, it's most likely because they have some insecurity within themselves. People who are more self-assured tend to be less judgmental when it comes to others' lifestyle choices.

That pretty much sums up the entirety of 4chan. Whenever I'm on a masochistic streak, I randomly browse the boards there, and whoa. All they do is complain about women not being virginal, not being 'house wife material', not 'knowing their place', being 'too fat' or 'too slutty'.

I always get a laugh when one of these comments is followed up by "virgin, ugh, why;.;'. Yeah, I really wonder why!

Yeah, it's not just the guys. The lolis on the cgl board can be more vicious than any of the neckbeard dudebros.

I think that tumblr would be interesting - the downside would be if people started bothering you about your choices there. (Though I guess the upside would be getting to meet other tumblr users who've made the same choices.)

My roommate puts all her okcupid responses on tumblr, but her okcupid profile is very special.

DA

I think there's even a tumblr for ridiculous okcupid submissions/messages but I cannot find it right now. There are a lot of disgusting people on dating websites (and some gems)

There have been several okcupid tumblrs, but they keep getting reported and taken down for (I think) violations of privacy.

Gee, I wonder who keeps reporting them.

I agree with most and say put those up on a tumblr, because god knows shit like that needs to be exposed and laughed at so mayhaps one day in the far future people will understand that it is NOT okay to say shit like that (yes, i know i'm being a hopeless idealist :p )

Also i invite you to read through this old gem of a blogspot: http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.ca/

it's really old and hasn't been updated in forever but it's bloody brilliant ... if only for having the author use the word clitoricicles.

http://www.reddit.com/r/creepyPMs/

It's not any better with lesbians, believe me /waiting until ok maybe not marriage but a deep life commitment - but then, dating websites means anyone can msg you even those self obsessed creepy fuckheads D:

Not to play to stereotypes or anything but sometimes there's a good reason why these guys are on dating sites and not, y'know, in relationships. ~~Though some are in both.~~

My sympathies. I have no idea what goes on in these guys heads.

I've met great guys on dating sites but mostly you have to wade through astonishing awfulness. I mean "I'd love to rape you sometime! LOL, hope you're not one of those girls with no sense of humor!" awfulness.

I'd say you should put your misadventures up on tumblr. And link us! I found laughing at some of these guys with friends took the edge off the shock and anger most of time which meant I didn't feel the urge to rage delete my profile quite as often.

I vote put them up on Tumblr (haven't read the rest of the comments yet). You can blur the usernames or not, as you wish. Calling the creeps out publicly would be LOLarious. I mean, the notes alone, would be glorious.

You might have turned down an incredibly nice recovering sex addict.

(Seriously though make that tumblr. Include their pictures)

Edited 2013-09-01 03:38 (UTC)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2433 ]

Dating Site/Virginity Grossness Rant

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That's what this is for.

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Maybe the challenge is remaining celibate!