[ SECRET POST #2468 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2468 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 065 secrets from Secret Submission Post #353.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[forgottenjester]

And you think they're homophobic because...? What? Did they not like your ship?

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Something she said to me in person about being "traditional" and the use of the word in a specific conversation we were having at the time. It was vague but a red flag went up considering past conversations we have had on different and similar topics.

[forgottenjester]

Could mean something. Could mean nothing. Your best bet is to just ask her directly.

still OP

[(Anonymous)]

It could mean nothing, but at the same time it could be something. As I mentioned in my secret I'm more than a little afraid it could be something. If it is something that's a loss of a friend I have known for 15 years.

[forgottenjester]

I get that. I really do. The thing is, are you happy with what you have now in this gray area of not knowing? If she isn't homophobic then you can rest easy. If she is homophobic then at least you know for sure and can make your decisions from there. Can she be reasoned with? I mean, she obviously knows your views and hasn't said anything negative about them, right? If she can't then you need to decide what's more important to you and what makes you happiest.

Sometimes that does mean ending a long-term and love-filled friendship. That always hurts but... in the end if that was the only option available to you then that is the healthiest option.

However, I'm just a random person on the internet. You should do what you feel is best for you.

Re: still OP

[(Anonymous)]

In my opinion, you don't have to lose the friend, even if she is against gay marriage or whatever. My parents were very much homophobic. Enough so that the last email I got from my father before he died was him quoting the bible at me and explaining to me why gay people go to hell. (Thankfully I'm just bi?) Anyway, I didn't cut my mother out of my life. I lived as an example, and I have friends that lived as examples of how gay people are "normal". And guess what? Two years ago, my mother made concessions toward me and my life. And while I wouldn't consider her the most tolerant person, I wouldn't consider her homophobic anymore. And look at all of the public figures who are more accepting of gays because they have gay friends or family members.

TL;DR. I've found that at least some of the time, being around people who are gay/who have progressive views can normalize those views for people who are more closed minded. If the person spouts hate, obviously you would have to consider dropping them as a friend. But if they don't, maybe you can influence them for the better.

Re: still OP

[nyxelestia]

Adding on to what the other two have said, if your friend does turn out to be quietly homophobic, but not enough to stop following you or being friends with you when you are clearly in favor of gay rights and slashfic...then maybe, instead of losing a friend, you just continue as you are and try to change her mind, subtly, as you go.

So talk to them. Based on what you said in the secret and here (outside of politics, there are a LOT of uses for the word traditional, not just a homophobic codeword), it does not sound like she really is that homophobic, and if she is, you can work towards quietly changing her mind. :)

Re: still OP

[akacat]

It doesn't have to mean you'll lose your friend. I've got a good friend who was homophobic -- but he'd been raised that way, and never actually given any real thought to it. 90% of what he thought, he was just parroting his bigoted dad.

It took a few years and having a couple of close mutual friends come out, but he's not at all homophobic anymore.

I don't have any idea if that would happen with your friend if she is homophobic, but it's possible.

Re: still OP

[(Anonymous)]

This!

You can't change the world if you automatically cut off people who (you suspect) disagree with you.

Re: still OP

[hwc]

I get how you feel because your friend sounds just like one of my best friends. She's very traditional and conservative in her views (even said so using these exact words) and she uses 'gay' as a synonym for shitty ("that's so gay", etc). Then there was also this thing with a her former best friend who turned out to be lesbian and isn't her best friend anymore, and let's just say that homophobia wasn't exactly a jump to conclusion.

Then just last week she totally surprised me when we were at a bar and we were drawn into conversation with these three guys. I didn't recognize them but when we went to the bathroom she told me that two of them were married. Apparently they were the first gay couple to marry in our country and it was in the newspapers. She recognized them but didn't treat them any differently and had no problem joking with them.

My friend will proably never join PFLAG and while she has some homophobic views she's a lot more tolerant than I ever gave her credit for. The same could be true for your friend, OP.

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

da. Is it possible that your friend likes to take the traditional route in her own life, but doesn't care all that much what other people do in theirs? Either way the only way to find out is to engage her in discussion about her views on real world issues.

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah true... there are plenty of people out there who would definitely not do xyz themselves but are pretty live and let live about other people doing whatever. Have known a fair amount of very tolerant religious people along those lines (who believe, for instance, that being gay is inherently wrong, but they don't think it's their place to mention it or judge anyone in any context, so you wouldn't know it from their behavior).