fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2469 ]

[ SECRET POST #2469 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2469 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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I posted anon here a long time ago about how I was losing my place to live and had a job that doesn't pay enough to support me. I was considering suicide because I had no idea what was going to happen to me.

I wish I could say things got better since then but they didn't. It's my fault for not trying hard enough but it's still true. I'm still considering suicide. And I talked about it on my blog, because I felt like I had to let my feelings out. And now people are all concerned over me and I feel so guilty -- I didn't want people to worry or feel guilty if I died. And I talked about in another more private place and got someone giving me a guilt trip over "what it would do to the people who love me." And I know they were trying to help but that just made me feel guilty on top of everything else.

I might be able to afford a shared bedroom in a house with a bunch of other people for a while (though I think I still couldn't quite afford it), but that sounds like a horrible way to live long-term if I have no way out which I don't. (I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat and I'm not insisting I somehow magically deserve my own apartment just because I work full-time. But having no damn privacy indefinitely just sounds like hell.)

I don't expect people here to have a magical solution for me either of course. I just wanted to vent I guess. I probably don't even have the nerve to go through with suicide, I just wish I did.

My advice to you is take baby steps. Get the shared bedroom, then start working out your next move. You haven't painted yourself into a corner and you're not totally screwed.

Not having privacy can really fucking suck, so try and get snatches of alone-time as much as you can -- they can't all crowd into the bathroom when you're trying to shower, can they? They can't follow you to the library or whatever.

Don't worry anon it'll work out. Even if it seems like it's not going to, just keep pushing forward.

If it at all comforts you, living in a shared bedroom feels nothing like hell (to me, at least; and I'm a) sensitive to noises and smells and other weird things and b) prefer to have not just some privacy, but the whole flat to myself). I got accustomed to it very fast even though some of my flatmates weren't exactly what you'd call terrific folks. Maybe you're mistaken about it, too.

Other than that, hugs? <3 I know the feeling, and I'm not sure if I (or anyone else) can give you a good advice.

I wasn't here for your other post so I might not know all the details, but here's what I think. Just because you can't see the solution now doesn't mean there isn't one-- I recommend going with the room-sharing and keep looking for a better-paying job or something. You honestly never know until it happens. Also, people obviously care about you; hold that dear to your heart and don't be afraid to ask for help.

My situation isn't as bad as yours, as at least I have a place to live, but I can empathize with the working (in my case more than full time, as I have three jobs) and not being able to afford much. (Rent pretty much takes more than half of what I make. And then there are a ton of other expenses like gas/electricity (I dread winter coming), gas for my car, food, etc.)

Are there any housing subsidies that you might qualify for? Awhile back when I only had the single job, I was looking into Section 8 as a possibility for helping me afford rent. Maybe it could help you?
http://home.howstuffworks.com/real-estate/section-8-housing2.htm

Good luck. And I really hope you get your housing situation and your life figured out.

ayrt

Section 8 where I live has been closed to new applications for years. I did look into other stuff but none of it applied to me except maybe housing projects which weren't near my work. I gross too much money for most aid, though a lot of it goes to my health insurance which I'm afraid to drop because I have psych issues.

I did get a second job for a while, but my boss kept telling me how bad at it I was, and also kept emphasizing that it was really easy compared to other jobs in the field so she didn't get why I couldn't do it. That left me afraid to look for any job in the field, because she was right -- it was an easy job and I couldn't do it.

I'm sorry you're in a rough situation too. Three jobs is a really heavy load.

maybe "you couldn't do it" because you were too stressed out

sometimes you are not in a good mental place to work well

it happens (hey, it's happened to me)

ayrt

I think that was definitely part of it but I had two different really bad experiences at two facilities that left me feeling totally incompetent. Granted one of them was because of an asshole who was supposed to be training me who really was an asshole. I blame a lot on myself but even I can't blame the way she treated me on anyone but her. But yeah, I really need more self-esteem but it's a little hard to get it.

People will worry about someone they care about no matter what. It's not something you can stop. If you did die they will feel those emotions and more and there is nothing you can do about it besides not dying. But the fact that you're still talking to people and getting your feelings out -- that's a good sign. Some part of you obviously wants to keep going. You didn't and don't have to tell people you're suicidal in a public forum, but you are. And that's good.

I'd hate living with other people as well, but even long-term residence doesn't last forever. It might be a few years, or it might be less. You won't know unless you go for it. I stayed in a shared bedroom once and it was tight, but generally we were both so busy doing our own thing, we didn't notice each other much. It's no an ideal situation, but it is doable.

Giving you a guilt trip isn't a very good way to handle that situation, I don't think. Yes, it would hurt your family if you died, and suicide has a very strong effect on those close to the victim, but the main reason I think you should try to keep going is for yourself. I think it's worth it and I think things can and WILL get better.

Dethtoll's advice was really good. You don't have to plan it all right now. Baby steps :)

*hugs* I hope things look up soon, anon. Best wishes to you.

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