fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2527 ]

[ SECRET POST #2527 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2527 ⌋

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I have a fandom friend on tumblr, and we've known each other for a while (over a year, I think?) In any case, we get along well, and we do talk occasionally. She's not the type of fandom friend I talk to nearly every day like some people, but I do like her a lot. We like a lot of the same things, like each other's text posts and selfies, etc. etc.

Anyway, the problem is that she has suicidal episodes really frequently. She constantly makes text posts about wanting to die, how she wants to kill herself, and suicide methods she's considering. She has very low self-esteem and needs a lot of attention. She makes a lot of posts about how she's fat and ugly (when she's pretty clearly conventionally attractive), and she ignores people when they try to reassure her.

When she's having one of these episodes, I tend to ignore it, but I feel kind of bad about it afterward. She's made these sorts of posts since I've known her, and nothing ever happens but what if it did? I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if she actually did end up killing herself, and I completely ignored her.

Anyway, do any of you have any advice for this? I'd appreciate it!

Do what you have the mental energy to do. It can be exhausting to deal with and it's hard to know the right thing to say. I would advise you to try to say something (anything really) because when I'm in a mood like that I just want to know that someone actually cares and it doesn't really matter what they say. But don't be afraid to set boundaries. You need to look after your mental health too. If she does hurt herself, it won't be your fault.

Okay, thanks for the advice. It's kind of a constant thing with her, so I don't really have the energy to talk to her about it all the time, but, yeah, I could leave her a nice/uplifting message when she's feeling down.

You said it yourself, she needs attention. I have been on both sides of that situation. My advice to you is continue ignoring her posts. I'm assuming this is an internet friend that you don't/can't contact personally, in which case you can do nothing to help her if things do come to a point where she tries to harm herself. Making yourself sick over it is the worst thing you can do, for you. It is her illness. Not yours. Don't feel obligated or guilty for something you aren't responsible for.

Sarillia gave good advice. I wouldn't disregard her as someone who's only faking it for the attention, but it /is/ exhausting to be constantly reasurring someone that they are indeed worthy of love and praise when they won't believe you. Let her know you want to support her, but at the same time, also set boundaries. I'd say "don't rush to her side every time", for starters - don't ever think it's your responsability (and yours only!) to shoulder something like this.

Also, please: Don't ever think it'd be your fault if something happened. You are not responsible for her decisions. You can only do so much, the other part is on her.

yeahhh...that sounds a lot like she has serious attention issues.

Encourage her to get help (seriously). Gently point out to her that negativity is sometimes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Pray for her if you're the praying type. But I would say, don't respond to her posts that are obviously just seeking attention and self-validation. She probably isn't doing it on purpose, but I feel just saying "it's ok, you're beautiful!" every time she whines about being ugly is enabling.

I do hope she gets help and things look up for her.

And, of course, I'm not a psychiatrist, nor a parent or teacher, so take comment with a wagonload of salt.

ETA: maybe I was being too harsh. :( I've sort of been on both sides of this too but not as directly as you. So again...wagonload of salt

Edited 2013-12-04 01:27 (UTC)

If she ever hurts herself it is in no way your fault.

It's tumblr, so maybe just 'liking' the message or maybe reblogging some inspirational or optimistic or supportive posts and tagging her name in them? It's a way to be supportive while still not really taking on the burden of straight up communication - something neither of you may have the energy or inclination to actually do.

Or you could send her a message and say something along the lines of how you may not always respond to her posts but you notice them and care for her. Just a simple "I see you/I hear you" message but also lets her know why you're not replying every single time.

OT, but I always feel really weird "liking" a post where people are depressed and in a bad spot. Maybe it's the heart-symbol or the fact that word "like" means something and that it's not what I want to express with it when clicking it to support someone, but it's just... weird.

AYRT

Yeah I'm the same as you, but I've noticed that some people tend to think of it more as an indication of "I read this/I noticed this" when it comes to personal posts.

Unfortunately, when depression gets this severe it's basically impossible for any one person to give the depressed individual "enough" attention. No matter what you do, you really can't help by giving e-hugs or listening.

Your friend may require medication or other forms of therapy. The best thing you could do is to notify family members (if you know of any) or recommend she see a psychiatrist.

She constantly makes text posts about wanting to die, how she wants to kill herself, and suicide methods she's considering. She has very low self-esteem and needs a lot of attention.

Don't engage, except perhaps to send her a list of hotlines.

She's seeking attention. Giving it to her won't help at all--particularly over the internet.

I have a friend that is just like this, only I try to talk to her about it and she won't really acknowledge that I ever said anything so I don't know if it helps or not. I was really hoping to find advice from the answers you get.

I agree with people above, you could maybe ask her if you could do anything to help and offer her an ear, and do encourage her to find help, but there comes a point where there's nothing you can do and you need to step back and worry about your own feelings. I've had to take breaks from my friend that does this because it's not worth it for me to spend most of the hours of my day freaking out worrying about her when I have my own issues to deal with.

While I've never been quite like the way your friend sounds, I have some depression and anxiety problems that sometimes make me go through episodes where I feel hopeless and very upset, and sometimes I get panicky and it makes me act a little unlike myself. When I am in that hole usually all I want is somebody to talk to me about it and maybe help me find a way to calm down.

Like a previous comment said, give only as much as you want to give to this person, and no more than that. You are not responsible for fixing her, and you're not responsible for anything she might do while she's depressed. I should also emphasize this: not only are you NOT responsible, you CANNOT fix her. It's just not possible, which is the primary reason why you should not feel bad when your attention can't make her better.

If she's truly depressed and suicidal, a bottomless supply of positive messages, e-hugs and reassurances about how pretty and thin she is will not cure her. That's just not how depression works.

Your friend sounds very young. When you're young, insecurity and a love of melodrama come naturally with the territory. It can be very exhausting to be friends with people like this because they make a lot of heavy emotional demands from you and they're never enough. My advice sounds harsh, but it's to gradually decrease the contact you have with her. Keep your communications positive, by all means! Tell her you're thinking about her and that you hope she gets the help she needs. Urge her to talk to her doctor/seek therapy.

But don't get emotionally invested every time she has a depressive episode. Remember, you can't help her. But she can drag you down with her, even if she doesn't mean to.

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[ SECRET POST #2527 ]

Need some advice... (TW: suicide)

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