fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2575 ]

[ SECRET POST #2575 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2575 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Sleepy Hollow]

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03.

[Aneurin Barnard]

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04.

[Trailer Park Boys]

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05.

[Orphan Black]

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06.

[Sherlock (BBC)]

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07.

[Agents of SHIELD, Torchwood]

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08.

[Saiyuki]

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09.

[Blake's 7]

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10.

[The L Word]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 050 secrets from Secret Submission Post #368.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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I thought it would be terribly clever to volunteer at the quarterly queer party to get to know somebody (yknow, nothing too ambitious- maybe a facebook friend?), but it didn't work.
I just sat at the register and made a bit awkward small talk with the other shift volunteer. It was nice to help, of course, but all the volunteers already knew each other and I had no idea how to participate in the party itself.

So my question is... Do you have any tips for someone who knows nobody at a party and wants to mingle? Should I try elsewhere?
I thought about asking friends to come with me, but I'm not really out to everybody and nobody seemed interested in the queer movie show before that.

Aw, I know how you feel. I'm not very outgoing, don't like bars or clubs, but am gay. I want to go to queer events but I don't have many gay friends. When I go, I might get a few hellos, but everyone pretty much knows one another.

Is there an online facebook group for the queer events or something? Maybe there are discussions that can be participated in. Get to know other volunteers first, network.

Parties, I don't know. Shy and introverted, here. :-/

yeah, it's hard. I'm not even that shy, but there are limits for me as well :( (and idk what people even find fun about parties except. talking. and drinking)

I'll try the facebook group thing though! maybe if I volunteer often enough...

You gots to throw yourself out there! Go into the party with a few conversation starters in mind and just mingle the shit out of the place and talk it up. Go out, be one with the awkward, don't just stand in one place.

And why not try elsewhere? Throw that awkwardness all over the place! More mingling = more chance to make friends!

b-but there were already outgoing queer people there! real party lions with the extra levels of flamboyance, punk and confident gender fuckery

Not even the volunteer people were interested in my conversation starters :(

But you, *you* are a badass outgoing queer person! You have extra levels that these people don't even know about! You just strut your badass queer self in there and start chatting like you are the hottest queerest most flamboyant motherfucker in the crowd. These people are lucky to get the chance to make awkward small talk with you. You have so much queer mingling to offer! You are the star of the party. Fake it 'til you make it.

...so I should get a little drunk beforehand?
(but heh, thanks, I at least lol'd at this.)

1. If you want to go to a party to meet people, don't volunteer to be staff at the party. I've been on volunteer duty for parties before, once as a rover/bouncer making sure that nobody was off doing coke in the bathroom, and once as a bartender, and neither time was very conducive to actively socializing with people (either I had to keep moving on and doing my job, or I had to move on to the next dude who wanted his crap wine). It's fine to show up at a party where you don't know anybody, especially if it's something like a mixer.

2. Come up with some topics (like was said above) that people would generally be able to answer with some degree of enthusiasm, and then find someone who's also just standing around and ask those questions. I always found talking about people's majors worked well, especially if you can fake genuine interest in a topic for a few minutes until you find something you both actually want to talk about. If you can seem interested in what someone is saying, even if you aren't, they're more likely to not only have a good impression of you, but keep the conversation going with less input from you.

3. Everybody always overestimates how 'awkward' they're acting in uncomfortable situations. That's the way the human brain works--we called it the 'shame satellite' in high school acting classes. Thankfully, nobody else thinks you're being as awkward as you think, so just resign yourself to being a little awkward and get on out there.

3. Exactly this. Whenever I say something in a conversation that makes me feel a awkward and regretful I try to imagine if someone else had said it to me, and I usually know I wouldn't find it awkward at all.

No one pays as much attention to what you say as you do.

thanks, having some guidance... already makes it feel like I know what I do.
I'll only volunteer for an hour, so it should be ok.

Do you have any ideas for topics? Or should I go for outright ridiculous like "which pizza topping are you?" or... a fake questionary?

I always ask 'What's your favorite book.' Then they tell you, and you ask 'why?' which forces them to explain. And when they're done you get to tell them your favorite book, etc.

If you're absolutely desperate to break the ice, the pizza topping thing might be okay if it's not a super serious party. Otherwise, start out with a nice, friendly "Hi, I'm (Nonny), I (do x)," insert name and job/major here. Hopefully they'll respond with their name and what they do, and then you follow up on that--asking about people's thesis was the bread and butter icebreaker in grad school, but if that won't work, something like "really? wow, that's cool, what do you do with (job y)?" If they break script and start asking you about your area of interest, roll with it--it shows he/she's interested in you already. You can turn that around to them later.

If you're at someplace like a college where people are from a lot of different backgrounds, asking where people are from is also a good option. People love (or hate!) where they live/grew up, and are usually pretty willing to talk about it. Works even better if you've been there, or if they're from a foreign country, can speak a little of the language. I nearly got a phone number from an extremely drunk French guy because I could remember three words of French, one of which was "la lune." Apparently he thought it was romantic.

The secret here is to be interested in what the other person is telling you. Make eye contact, nod along, vocal interjections, all that conversational grease that people tend not to think about. Keep your attention on the person you're talking to, and try to keep the conversation going one topic further.

Basically what the second anon said, because their advice is good. But also, either go into "I don't feel fear and I'll never see these people again/I am separate from my fear!" zen mod or - or pretend you're someone else. Maybe a fictional character or a celebrity you admire? When I say this I don't mean "Get in character, OMG, you're Mal Reynolds" or something. Just channel their confidence, walk how they would walk, ask yourself, "What would X do in this situation?"

SA- *zen mode, not mod.

Zen mod sounds like something an anxious cyborg would love to install.

damn, yeah, I know... but it's like this whole demographic in the open I would like to appeal to. I know nobody really remembers that one awkward person for long... but I can't help but get my expectations up.
maybe I can dress up in a costume though

Probably not to volunteer and just attend the, or a, party next time? You do have to mingle, and even though it can be awkward when it feels like everyone already knows eachother, it's not impossible to join a conversation.

If you have friends who can introduce you to other friends, even better!

volunteering at least gave me something to do and look around (and give to community)

True true. Do you volunteer often? Because now that I think about it, if you haven't already, keeping up with the job is a great way to meet new people and see those same people again. I'm assuming you know some names, and a bit about some of the people there, so it softens the re-introduction and you have a common base (eg: went to the same party; volunteer; remember you both like ___).

And, in my experience here, it's not that uncommon to have trouble breaking into established circles in the queer community at events unless you already know someone. A lot of people show up to a club, waiting to be talked to, and are disappointed when it doesn't happen, and shy away from coming back. Like with any social excursion, you have to keep at it. Become a regular face. You're already working on being in the community, so I think this is going to be an inevitability regardless of how fast/slow it takes.

Seconding cloud_riven's post! And also pointing out that this is a single experience. I've done a decent chunk of one-time only volunteering gigs where I've known absolutely no one going into them, and sometimes they're amazing and the conversation and experience with the people I meet is great and memorable, and other times, they're awkward, tedious or rushed, or the people I'm grouped with and I just don't click. Or, over the course of a long night, they're all of those things...

Plus, I'd wager even the party lions have a night or two where they just can't. Like this:

If there are lots of people at the party, chances are there are others who are awkward and alone. Try finding someone who seems to be by themselves with an anxious or confused look on their face and start a conversation with them.

N.B., I have never actually tried this, but seem to be an awkward and alone person many people are drawn to at parties. Perhaps if you go up to an awkward and alone person, that person will be me. :)

last time somebody almost sat on me because they didn't notice me and I fled to the toilet afterwards -woe me-

but you give me hope that if worst comes to worst I can just sit around and look awkward and approachable. maybe wear a fandom/hobby t-shirt. "ask me about my d&d character"

fandom/hobby shirts sound to me like a good conversation starter!

The last time I went to a queer party all by my own, I did pretty much all the stuff

flipthefrog said and it went pretty ok. I used to be pretty socially awkward and anxious my whole life and didn't knew anyone there. But I donned my "fuck it, these people don't know I'm shy anyway!" suit and after arriving and standing some minutes in the same spot (NOT NEAR THE WALL!), I stroke conversation with the very first person that passed by my side. It went quite ok, the guy I was speaking with prompted me to participate in the karaoke competition. I threw myself out there with some popular songs and got invited to drinks by people I had never seen before but thought I was cool enough. Also spoke to the DJ while he was chilling on his break. After that things went more or less smoothly and I had made a couple of friendly acquitances.

Wholeheartedly seconding the "try to join a group in Facebook". I never met another lesbian while I was at the university, though I knew there had to be some. I joined a FB group for the lesbians/bi/queer women of my alma mater and lo! I've gone to several meet-ups with them and seriously, some of those girls are really awesome and we're friends now :3 We've gone to parties, and for drinks together, but also for tea/coffee and lots of conversation. It has worked nicely for me.

~~I read that as "quarter quell" /nothing to actually add~~

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[ SECRET POST #2575 ]

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