fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2591 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2591 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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So, my mom's best friend has been close to my family my entire life and is basically like an aunt to me, especially since none of my actual aunts live close by. Let's call her Carol. Carol is a lesbian. My mom claims to have no problem with this, and to be fair to her, hasn't really done anything that would make anyone think otherwise. Yet for some reason I just don't quite believe her, and it's because of this that I haven't come out to her. I've asked her how she would feel, if, 'hypothetically' one of her kids were gay, and she says she wouldn't care, but I can't help but think she's only saying that because she thinks it's something she doesn't ever have to worry about.

I've spent YEARS agonizing over my sexuality and living with this secret and it finally got to the point where I felt like I couldn't keep it anymore. We all had a big dinner to celebrate Carol's wife's birthday, and afterwards I asked if we could talk privately. We ended up going to a coffee shop, and after not telling a single soul for 29 years, I told her that I'm a lesbian. It was awkward and there was a lot of crying on my part, but she listened and things seemed OK.

Not two hours later, I was regretting it more than I'd ever regretted anything else in my life. I felt this overwhelming sense of having done something wrong, and to be completely honest, shame. I feel ashamed of even saying that I felt ashamed, but that's the only way I know how to describe it. Intellectually I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way, but obviously some part of me still feels like it's bad to be gay. I don't know if it's whatever subconscious vibe I'm getting from my mom that's led to me feeling this way, or if I'm just imagining she disapproves because I'm projecting my own self-loathing onto her or what.

It's only been a couple days at this point and I've already avoided one dinner that Carol would've been attending. I don't feel like I can ever see her again for fear of her judging me. I know that's completely irrational since she's gay herself but I can't help but feel this way.

The logical part of my brain is saying 'just get over it' and I know that for my own mental well-being I need to but that's easier said than done. Right now I feel like I never want to come out to anyone again if it's going to make me feel this awful, but at the same time I don't want to live in a closest for the rest of my life.

How do I get past these feelings?

Time. And the understanding that Carol wouldn't betray you and your mom isn't lying to you.

I felt the same way after I came out to my mom. It's still a bit awkward but getting used to the idea that she knows has helped. I agree with the other anon. It takes time.

I hope you can get past the fear soon.

As other anon said, time. And just keep repeating to yourself that you did nothing wrong, there is nothing to feel ashamed about, you're projecting, etc etc. I have a lot of unhealthy negative thoughts and I've found that the more I just mantra the hell out of positive counter thoughts and cut off those negative streams at the head, the better I feel and the easier it gets.

+1. It isn't easy to stop yourself from having negative thoughts even if you know they aren't true and you shouldn't be thinking them, but just making the effort can help so much. Eventually it gets easier.

Those feelings will pass eventually. Like everything else, it'll take some time for you to work through.

You said that you felt ashamed of saying that you felt ashamed. That's okay. Carol has obviously been out as a lesbian for a long time. So she would be comfortable with her sexuality and who she is. I don't think she would blame you or anything like that; if anything, I think she'd understand more than anyone what you're going through.

It's hard when you "know" things on the one hand, but "feel" differently on the other. It's difficult to wait for those feelings to catch up.

(If it helps, anon... I came out as bi for the first time to an ex-boyfriend. Quite a sweet person, so I trusted him with the information. Immediately afterwards I felt relief, but later on, I totally freaked out. So... I know that feeling.)

Oh sweetie. *hugs* I am so sorry. If I had a magic way to take away pain and anxiety, I would share it with but I don't. I hope you can find peace soon.

This is going to sound crazy, but I honestly suggest you at least try it.

Sit down and assume the body language and tone of voice you'd use if you're just chatting with friends, and say, OUT LOUD, something like this:

"I remember the first time I came out to someone, it was a lesbian friend of my mom's, and I was completely freaked out for a while afterwards. It seems silly now, but I was totally LOSING IT for a little while."

Not that exact phrasing, but whatever feels natural to you. Just really put yourself in the space of yourself, a few years older, sharing a little rueful laugh over that emotional space you passed through, back when you first came out to someone. Sure, it seems silly to you now, years later, but at the time it felt like a really big deal. It's the kind of thing we all do in one way or another, even if it is a little goofy in retrospect.

Try inhabiting that emotional space, just for a minute, and see if it helps.

[ SECRET POST #2591 ]

I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake

Re: I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake

Re: I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake

Re: I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake

Re: I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake

Re: I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake

Re: I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake

Re: I came out to my mom's best friend and I think it was a huge mistake