fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2609 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2609 ⌋

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So, one of my friends is getting married. I am genuinely very happy for her, since I know she went through a rough patch in their relationship and came out swinging, and he is just a lovely guy who also deserves all the happiness in the world.

My problem is that I'm not jealous or envious or them exactly, because I want them to be this happy and think they deserve it. But I do feel a bit - sad, I guess, when I think about it too much. She basically has everything that I would like in my own life - amazing relationship, great job, supportive family - that I don't have partially due to my own decisions, but a lot due to circumstances outside my control.

So yeah. How do you guys deal when you're genuinely happy for a friend about something that's happened to them, but at the same time can't thinking about the contrasting flaws in your own life?

I usually just feel shitty.

OP

*takes notes*

Hah, sorry I don't have actual advice

OP

Don't worry about it, ha. I think this was just as much of a venting post as a request for advice. And it does make me feel better to know that other people struggle with this kind of this too.

It does help to be reminded of that sometimes. Predictably, I try to focus on the things I do have going well, but of course that's never as effective as it should be. The most effective thing I've found, though probably not the healthiest, is to point out to myself all the specific ways that I actually wouldn't want what they have (reasons I couldn't stand to be with their SO, things I would hate about their job) and focus on the details of their situation rather than letting myself see it as a generic "happy relationship" or "fulfilling job" that I envy. They don't have what I want because I don't actually want what they actually have. It's weird and pretty negative, but it's the most reassuring mental gymnastics I've developed so far.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifw9AdDYxwc#t=21m4s

OP

Yup, that about sums up my current coping strategy.

Hmm...Well, as horrible as it is to say I'm pretty good at pushing things to the back of my mind until I'm alone so ^^;;

But maybe you could focus on reminding yourself that this is their day, and making sure they know you're happy for them?

OP

Nah, I'm definitely good at compartmentalising too so I have doubts I'm going to able to suck it up and make sure I'm happy for them on the day. It's just the all-the-rest-of-the-time that I want fix :(

Breathe in breathe out and ignore it

Bringing it up with them would only make it worse as would obsessing over it so yeah, do nothing.

OP

Don't worry, I would never do anything ridiculous like that. It would be kind of funny if friendships worked like that though - "Wah, stop getting on with your lives when my life sucks/ stop being happy until I am at an equivalent level of happy/ make me feel happier by making your life worse temporarily!"

I feel the same exact way about my sister's life. It seems like it is magical at the moment. She is getting married to a great guy, she is likely getting a promotion soon at a job she loves, and she makes enough money that she owns her own house and gets to take vacations all the time. Meanwhile I have been single forever, am stuck in a low-paying/long-hours job (and have a second job), live in a not-great apartment, haven't been on a vacation in a decade, etc, etc. I am very happy for her, but it is very hard to not feel jealous and "why me?" about it.

I wish I had advice. I guess just know that others feel as you do?

Whenever I feel like that I try to find a small step I can make toward accomplishing something that I want. A recent mood like that got me looking at internships I can apply for in the field I want to go into. It's going to have to wait a while but I can still work on my applications in the meantime.

It's a kind of balancing act in my mind, between acknowledging that my circumstances are not all my fault because there are things out of my control but also acknowledging that I always have choices that I can make.

Probably the best way to go about this is think of small but constructive ways to better your own life and situation. Whether this means taking steps toward asking for a raise or changes to your diet or starting a new exercise program, often just a small improvement in the way you care for yourself will cause a big improvement in the way you feel about yourself.

Especially the exercise thing! If you're not already, start going for brisk walks or jogs. Proven to help when you're feeling depressed.

Good luck, OP.

[ SECRET POST #2609 ]

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