fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2609 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2609 ⌋

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So this morning I found out that my father is terminally ill. I live in another country and go to school, so my family is trying to figure out when and how they can fly me back to either see him before he passes, or for the funeral. He's a life-long alcoholic, so this isn't exactly a shock, and my parents separated when I was a baby, so I never saw him much anyway. I'm an only child, so he'd call once in a while and I'd go see him for an awkward dinner, but after my grandmother on his side passed away, even that happened less.

I feel like an ass because I don't feel... sad about it? My mom seems to think I should be upset, and if I can't make it back before the funeral, she offered to go in my place and read something I wrote. But... what would I even say? "I kind of knew him and he was pretty nice to me, I know he loved me, but he was mostly just kind of sad to see". Obviously I wouldn't really say that, but that's... pretty much how it was.

I don't feel ANYTHING, really. It doesn't seem like it's happening to me. I was overseas when my grandma died, too, and I was upset about that, but that was more of a surprise. With my dad, it just seems like it was always a matter of time. I've never had to deal with death in person, so I just... can't comprehend it. And it makes me feel like a jerk, because even if he was pretty much AWOL, he wasn't really a bad father. I just always saw him as somebody sick, and felt kind of sad for him. Now that he's dying, I feel like there should be SOMETHING going on with my feelings, but there's just nothing.

tl;dr my dad is dying and I feel like an asshole because I just feel sort of... apathetic about it. Is this normal?

yes it is, there are stages of grief and you just found out so it hasn't hit you yet

when my grandfather died I was like this, it wasn't until months later that I finally broke down and started crying

(reply from suspended user)

ayrt yeah that's true too, sorry, I got way too personal when I was typing that and started crying I probably shouldn't have read this thread

This. Some people never break down and cry and there's nothing wrong with that. I didn't cry after my grandmother died, but she'd been sick for such a long time that I'd already prepared myself for it and when she did die, there was almost a sense of relief that she wasn't suffering anymore. It didn't mean I wasn't sad or that I didn't miss her, I'd just already accepted it by the time she did die.

There Is No Wrong Way To Grieve

don't worry about it. how you respond is how you respond. your relationship with him was what it was and there's no point measuring it against some imagined alternative especially now.

i'm sorry for your loss.

I think when deaths are more expected it's always different, the last major death I dealt with was something I knew was coming for a long time, so I too struggled with not feeling "like I should."

But I think it's important to remember two things, one is that you'll deal with every death differently and the other is that everyone grieves differently and in their own time.

Don't try to force yourself or feel like you're a bad person, this is just how you are dealing with it in this moment.

There's nothing wrong with you, anon.

Maybe you didn't bear him any ill will, but it doesn't seem he was around much, or at least long enough for you two to establish a parent-child relationship that wasn't completely awkward.

Your feelings are your own, and no one can tell you how you should feel. You are the one who lived those experiences with him, and only you can say what kind of impression those left on you.

I'm not telling you that you should feel indifferent, just that it's okay to feel indifferent, based upon what you've shared with the comm.

(Though IMO it kind of sounds like you've been feeling something for him all your life, whether it was pity or understanding for a person in his situation, or even both.)

[ SECRET POST #2609 ]

Death and apathy (TW maybe)

Re: Death and apathy (TW maybe)

Re: Death and apathy (TW maybe)

Re: Death and apathy (TW maybe)

Re: Death and apathy (TW maybe)

Re: Death and apathy (TW maybe)

Re: Death and apathy (TW maybe)