fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2643 ]

[ SECRET POST #2643 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2643 ⌋

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11. http://i.imgur.com/mndHziO.png

Don't matter where you can go if you don't actually approach people. It sucks but there it is.

If I have learned anything in my life, it is that it is really hard to make friends once you leave high school/college and especially if you move to a state where you know no one.

This so much. I'm embarrassed when I think about how I've lived in my current town for almost a year now and don't have friends beyond the people I moved here with. I have a couple acquaintances but no one I hang out and do things with. it's hard to meet new people when I don't have my own car or disposable income.

No one beyond my sister. I have some coworkers but they like going to bars and such (which I don't enjoy). So I just have no friends here. :(

I'm always having to remind myself that my co-workers and neighbors who seem to have such rich social lives grew up here or went to college here and as far as I can tell, they have no significant friendships that formed after college (except possibly people they met through a significant other).

Not being from around here, it's normal that I wouldn't have the same kind of strong social connections and I need to keep striving not to feel like a loser about it while finding creative ways to make friends (so far, the "go places," "take a class," and "volunteer" suggestions haven't panned out).

I never made a friend in university, and I was there for 7 years... My (3) high school friends did and that's who I know now. (I dread conversations where people figure this out about me.)
I think my fantasy is that in a new place I'd find it easier to make connections, because my lack of casual friendships would seem more natural?

I wish you lived near me. :(

Edited 2014-03-29 22:33 (UTC)

Dude, if only it was that easy :( The eternal "how do you friendship".

I have actually googled how to make friends as an adult.

(no subject)

thistlechaser - 2014-03-30 17:39 (UTC) - Expand

oh no, I thought I was the only one!

Befriend your coworkers or neighbors. It's what us old people did back in the day.

My coworkers just like going to bars. And my neighbors are abandoned house, abandoned house, abandoned house, two family apartment that may be occupied by vampires (seriously, I have never seen those people out during the day).

da

Sounds like you have a temporarily bad hand on that one. :( Generally, though, you can do the same thing as high school/college in terms of friendships: meet through necessity, build from there.

um okay so why haven't you befriended the vampires

they might make you a vampire too then you never have to worry about anything

(no subject)

kaijinscendre - 2014-03-30 04:45 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

caecilia - 2014-03-30 16:06 (UTC) - Expand

Speaking as someone who has moved several times, the usual way is indeed co-workers and neighbors. The fact that your co-workers are not the type of people with whom you can socialize says more about your job and co-workers than about your approach to the problem of making friends.

Either the company or the department or your co-workers are not right: if your job and your company really suited you, you would find some compatible co-workers, even if it takes you a year or two.

Note: I lived for a while in the UK where my co-workers tended to go to the pub (while I don't drink, so... ) but we simply gossiped a lot at work and at the pub (overpriced orange juice or soda, here I come!) so it did not prevent me from making casual friends even though if going out it was always to the pub or the odd wine bar.

Same with neighbors: I have rarely made friends with neighbors, but I have often made friends with my housemates. Co-location is often a great way to keep your costs down and find accommodations with better locations and nicer furnishings while making true friends. If you are lucky of course. Seriously, give co-location a try, you may be pleasantly surprised.

And speaking as someone who has met a few people at conventions: I really don't recommend them as places to find friends. To meet online friends by appointment, yes. To meet strangers hoping your common interests will lead to friendship? No.

On the contrary, I would recommend you be extra careful when meeting strangers at fandom conventions unless they are pre-existing online friends.

In my "I keep moving" experience, I've found it takes about 2-3 years to really start making social friendships and when they did happen they just...kind...of...showed up? I noticed when I was trying to have some me-time and various social groups kept inviting me to things.

The friend groups I ended up having came from; coworkers with shared interests *coughpokemon*, some OKcupid dates that didn't work out, some okcupids that were straight up friendship hunting and by extension I met their friends, friends of friends and a different set of coworkers with shared interests.

I think the biggest and fastest growing was the okcupid friends - I hanged with them at various things and they'd invite me cause the knew I was lonely and the more I got to know them the more things I was invited to and then I started meeting their friends and - the interests are fandom but I'm in vary few of the fandoms they're in which actually works for me because I don't like sharing fandoms ;) - but slowly I vegan to recognise more faces and be "casual friends/acquaintances" which tends to grow. There were lots of times I had to suck it up and do something scary/intimidating like going to parties where I know one person and making myself talk to others - or in the case of coworkers, going to parties where i didn't really know anyone but it's all friendship framework building.

tl;dr friendship making is hard and timely work but hopefully it will happen! Maybe try to organise going with some random over *preferred fandom platform here* so you have someone to explore with and use that as a friendship launch platform but also try not to come on too strong and scare them off.

I'm sorry, OP. People tend to think of fandom as a place where friendship magically happens, but it's not, really. It might be a little more insular than real life, but making connections with other people is still tough and you still have to do all the same things you do in real life, i.e. approaching people and striking up a conversation, etc.

Arrange to meet up with people you already know, OP. (Even if you only know them online.) You'll be at a public event in case it goes south, and it improves the con experience a hundredfold, IMO.

I went to a Spn con and had the same experience anon - well, I met a few more people than you. But in the end I realised they really weren't the kind of people I wanted to be friends with (I don't meant to be insulting towards them in any way, they were all lovely, but we just weren't on the same wavelength and liking Spn was about the only thing we had in common).

Maybe try something less specific if you're looking to make new friends? Like a bookclub or beginner's sporting group in your city?

A friend talked me into going to two SPN cons with her, and... yeah. Tiny super-specific ones really aren't my thing, and I didn't really have a good time. OP might try going to a bigger con, with more varied interests and more attendees and therefore a bigger pool of potential friends? In which maybe you can go to panels about specific fandoms that are fan-run and focus more on the fandom itself... instead of panels that are little more than an excuse to fawn over actors that haven't been in an episode in five years/don't watch the show anyway.

*cough*

(If every SPN con were just an eternal karaoke, I think that would be one thing... but they seem so stale now. There's not a single question that is ever addressed at an actor that they haven't already answered seventy times.)

I have the same problem. At cons I'll chit chat with people in line but that's as far as it goes. They'll give me contact info, we'll add one another on facebook and nothing. It never goes beyond that. People keep saying I don't talk to people but I do and have! Nothing happens.

As someone who is literally on a bus coming home from a con, yeah...

The groups you usually see are either friends in RL, or made plans in advance, or both. Recently moved and it's a totally different experience now that I've lost all my college con buddies.

I will say it's easier chatting up people who are by their lonesome as well. I've made at least one temp friend like that. People in groups are sort of always beholden to the group.

And people are always in cliques which makes it harder to approach or for them to care about other people than 'their own'...

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