fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2669 ]

[ SECRET POST #2669 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2669 ⌋

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I like labels, so I've been trying to find one for me, and it's hard, because I also like my labels to mean things. Because, no, [a sexuality] is not "what I say it is." Commonality is a big part of what makes language work, ie, if something means everything, it means nothing.

So I've narrowed it down to definitely not gay. In general, I go with "straight" because it's easiest and most of my masturbatory fantasies are either het or m/m or mmf-threesome. But the thing is, I'm not in any of these fantasies. It's all my OTPs and how hot they are together and kind of transferring what they would feeling (you know, were they real) to what I feel. And I've never known anyone in real life for whom I was like "Yes, I'd like to have sex with that person." I don't look at celebrities or rock-stars or models -- or even just attractive strangers -- and think "Yeah, I'd do them if I had the chance" or wonder what they're like in bed. I've just not been interested that way in anybody in my 31 years of life (also, hi, 31-year-old virgin here).

So then I start leaning toward asexual, because I know the modern thought about asexuality as a sexuality doesn't mean "libido-less." Except, I'm not opposed to the idea of having sex. In fact, I think I love the idea of meeting someone with whom I wanted to have a romantic and sexual relationship. But I never have and really, looking isn't even a priority. It's like, should happenstance bring my perfect guy to me, that's awesome. But if not, eh. That's okay, too, 90 percent of the time.

IDK, is "straight but largely disinterested" a thing?

Totally a thing.

Edit: Also, the way you visualize your fantasies is the way I do too. It's not weird.

Edited 2014-04-25 00:11 (UTC)

Oh man, I could've written this! I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

I've never understood why "how much interest you have in sex" is also considered a part of sexual orientation. I've always viewed sexual orientation to be "the sex/gender/whatever you are interested in having sex with". But "how much sex you want" is just a measure of your personal sex drive, isn't it? Not your orientation? For example, I'm like you--I pretty much consider myself straight, but I know I have a very low interest in having sex myself, and I'm still a virgin.

I don't know. I wish I had a better response, but I got excited since I haven't really found anyone else who feels like this. orz

I've never understood why "how much interest you have in sex" is also considered a part of sexual orientation.

I think because asexual people have no interest in having sex.

But what makes someone asexual is that they are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender. Therefore the lack of interest naturally follows, but it's more a side effect than a qualifier.

Not exactly. It means we don't actively seek sex, but a good number of us wouldn't necessarily turn it down, whether bc sex can feel good or bc we want to please our partners.

Well, if you view sexual orientation as "the sex/gender/whatever you're interested in having sex with", then asexuality would be "no one".

It's a thing, yeah.

Also, the not-being-in-your-fantasies thing is something I do too, and I'm definitely sexual, so it doesn't necessarily mean what you're implying.

i asked this question on here some time ago, in the same vein as you regarding labels

i only got bullocked about 'labels' towards the end, but for the most part the comments helped me settle something in my mind - not a feeling or a way of being, but simply a literal representation, just a WORD to use...so i get where you're coming from

'largely disinterested' but 'not opposed to the idea of sex' is celibacy...i find this quote from the Wiki Celibacy page interesting (though i find the abundance of references to religion on that same page really creepy - but that's just me!)

abstinence is a response on the outside to what's going on, and celibacy is a response from the inside

OP, you're not weird at all.

This is exactly the same way my thoughts process as well. I think it's really difficult for me to imagine myself in situations like that. Especially with other people - I almost have an aversion to fantasizing about real people I like, because I feel that would be rude.

Yeah, idk either. Maybe if it was reciprocated I wouldn't have any problem with thinking about them.

If it helps any, I ID as bi (and largely disinterested), because I'm happy to read f/f, m/m and het, and I've had romantic crushes on girls as well as guys.

And I think this kind of thing is probably a lot more common than a lot of people realize. You're not weird, OP. Straight but largely disinterested is totally a thing!

I'd say you're straight. You're just more interested in fiction than in meatspace sex.

I almost could've written this (and I think I have written similar things here in the past). I want a label because they're useful, but I definitely don't subscribe to the 'a label can mean whatever you want it to mean!' thing because like you said...words need to have universal meanings, otherwise language is pointless.

And like you, I've narrowed it down to definitely not gay but beyond that...I'm not sure. I kind of go back and forth between straight, bi and asexual but I don't feel like any of them completely fits.

I've also never known anyone where I was like "I want to have sex with that person" although I have had sex (because I was in a relationship and knew that it was expected of me). I've been single for awhile now though and if someone told me "you never have to have sex again for the rest of your life" I'd be pretty thrilled so it sounds like I'm much more sure about the asexuality aspect than you are. I'm not opposed to the idea of a romantic relationship in the future if I happened to meet someone compatible but I've decided it has to be another asexual person since I've tried dating non-asexual people and it just doesn't work for me.

Actually, after typing out the above paragraph I guess it sounds like I'm definitely sure about asexuality, and I guess I am, I just go in phases of whether or not I want to ID that way or not.

I've always considered the usual labels, gay/straight/bi/whatever as being more about what gender(s) you're interested in having as a spouse/life partner/whatever you want to call it. I mean for me personally, whenever two people are introduced to me as a couple I think "ok, they love each other, there's a good chance they live together, they might have some pets they both take care of, they share bills and fight over whose turn it is to take out the trash". I don't generally think "oh, they're having sex!" even though the majority of the time I'm sure they are. So it just seems strange to me to reduce an entire relationship to sex when there's so much more to it, which is kind of what I see labeling yourself as asexual as doing. And if you're not in a relationship and ID as asexual it's kind of like announcing to people that you're not interested in sex which to me kind of like announcing that you like being handcuffed (just as an example) while having sex and using that as your label. Which is totally fine for some people but isn't something that makes sense to me personally.

So with the concept of the above paragraph, I started kind of thinking of it as being more about gender(s) of people you can see yourself being with rather than how much sex you want to have or how much. And on that front, I've only dated guys thus far so I want to say straight but I have had crushes on girls before so I want to say bi, but if I try to imagine a theoretical future spouse, it's a guy, so I go back to straight.

And then I think, it doesn't matter that asexuality as a label doesn't make total sense to me, a definition for it has been decided and I know I do fit that definition so I need to just ID that way regardless of my own feelings on the matter (going back to the whole "words need to have specific meaning and I can't just make up my own" thing).

But then I think what if I end up in a relationship someday, using asexual as a label doesn't take into account my hypothetical partner's gender and seems to almost be minimizing them and/or my feelings for them (or at least it does in my mind).

So then I go back to basing it just on genders and think technically I should go with bi since I have had crushes on girls but it's been so rare that I kind of don't feel right using the label and think I should just go with straight but people who are actually straight don't have to put this much thought into it.

And honestly right now I'm not interested in a relationship and am not sure I will be anytime soon so it all kind of seems like a moot point anyway. Aromantic works I suppose but that doesn't seem to be a widely used term outside the internet so I guess just a vague "not interested" could work but I don't know.

And then I'm like "but it doesn't matter whether I want to be in a relationship or not, what gender would I want it to be with if I did?" and then it just kind of goes in circles. But apparently my entire concept of romantic relationships and what they are or could be is completely different than the traditional understanding of what they mean, so...yeah.

I don't know, I guess this has all just been a really tldr way of saying I don't have a fucking clue.

SA

And I got so off track with the relationship stuff I kind of skipped over some other stuff.

As for the fantasy stuff, for me even fictional sex is kind of boring/uninteresting. To me, even shipping is never about "oh, I want them to have lots of hot sex!" but more "I want them to banter and take care of cats and cuddle occasionally". Which I guess technically doesn't even count but whatever.

And I do have the drive but for me it's almost more of just a biological need, not directed at anyone or anything. It's kind of like, I don't know, peeing or something. Like, it's a biological function that I have, and so I do it and continue on with my life, but I don't see why anyone else needs to be involved in it.

All of which again seems to put me pretty firmly in the "asexual" camp but I'm still not entirely satisfied with the way the whole thing is categorized so I'm reluctant to completely embrace it. Or maybe I'm just in denial and can't come to terms with being different in this way so I reject the label.

...hell if I know.

Given that you've already covered where you fall on the gender spectrum and your thoughts about asexuality, I just want to throw something else out there that you haven't mentioned: demisexuality. One of my close friends gave me the description of "Only being sexually interested in people I'm in a romantic relationship with," which makes her seeking of new relationships occasionally full of fraught feelings-sorting. Given how you've said you're "meh" about romantic relationships as well, at least in the sense of feeling active pressure to seek them out, this may be a totally different thing, but there's another community out there to check out.

Also, just having sex/relationships be a low priority is totally a thing. Go be awesome at that.

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