fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2684 ]

[ SECRET POST #2684 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2684 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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07. [WARNING for abuse/child abuse]

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08. [WARNING for depression]

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09. [WARNING for eating disorders]

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10. [WARNING for rape]

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11. [WARNING for rape]

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12. [WARNING for sexual abuse]

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13. [WARNING for suicide]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #383.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Go.

Did you hear about the nervous banana on death row? He was trying to make an a-peel

This IS pretty bad. But I laughed anyway.

what did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"Wanna build a snowman"?

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

rubbertea - 2014-05-10 00:34 (UTC) - Expand

Does it smell like carrots to you?

Re: you asked for it

rubbertea - 2014-05-10 00:32 (UTC) - Expand

"Joe said the snowman around the block is taking up smelting."

What is worse than getting your keys stuck inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

Okay, I laughed.

Oh that was truly terrible. I laughed.

that one got me too

An ancient Mesopotamian thief sneaks into a Ziggurat to steal gold, but gets seen before he reaches the treasury and the alarm is sounded. To escape he sets fire to it and runs while everyone is busy trying to put it out.

In the next city he sneaks into another Ziggurat, but gets caught again. He just manages to escape by knocking over an incense holder and starting a fire.

In the next city he breaks into another Ziggurat and almost manages to get out with the gold when a priest sees him and summons the guards. Again he escapes by setting fire to the Ziggurat, but this time his luck runs out because word had been sent by the other cities and the guards catch him on the trail out of the city.

As he's lead away he curses and says "Smoking Ziggurats is bad for your health".

Lol. This was a good one.

I used to tell this one about Jonestown, but the punch line was too long.

*groan*

Still, *golf clap*

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

(Anonymous) - 2014-05-10 01:35 (UTC) - Expand

Q: What do you call a guy who sits in front of your door all day?
A: Matt

Q: What do you call a guy who sits in your bathroom all day?
A: John

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to sit in a hotdog bun?
A: Frank

Q: What do you call a guy who appears at the end of a restaurant meal?
A: Bill

Q: What do you call a guy who is missing his lower legs?
A: Neil (Kneel)

Q: What do you call a woman with only one leg?
A: Ilene (I lean)

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one turns to the other and goes, "I don't know. Does this taste funny to you?"

Somehow we ended up with a jar of these pens in our office:

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

caecilia - 2014-05-10 01:37 (UTC) - Expand

I was sitting on the train today next to a hot thai girl thinking to myself don't get an erection, don't get an erection. And she did.

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

(Anonymous) - 2014-05-10 01:20 (UTC) - Expand

So there's this bus driver who's really good at her job, one of the top bus drivers in the city, and so one day her boss tells her, "You know, you've been doing great work. I think you're ready for a promotion. I think you're ready for the Sesame Street bus."

So she shows up at the bus garage the next day to find this giant bus covered with paintings of Big Bird, Elmo, and other muppets like that. Her boss gives her the key and the route, shows her where her stops are, and she's off.

She opens the doors at the first stop, and there's just one passenger waiting-- and it's the largest woman she's ever seen. Large in every sense-- this woman is tall, wide, thick, and she stomps onto the bus with heavy footfalls. In a scratchy voice she introduces herself, "Hi, I'm Patty," and then makes her way to the back of the bus.

The bus driver continues on her route, and eventually reaches the next stop. She opens the doors and looks out-- then looks back towards the back of the bus, because the woman standing at the stop is almost an exact clone of Patty in the back of the bus. This new woman stomps onto the bus, and in an identical voice, also introduces herself, "Hi, I'm Patty." She then heads to the back and sits the opposite corner.

At this point, the back of the bus is dragging a bit from the combined weight of the two women, but the bus driver continues on regardless. At the next stop she opens the door, and a slight, pale man steps onto the bus, nervously wringing his hands. "Hi...I'm Ross..." he whispers, before settling on a seat in the middle of the bus.

The doors shut and there's a slight rumble as Patty #1 gets up from her seat and makes her way to the front of the bus. She leans over to the bus driver and in a loud whisper, "Take care of Ross, will ya? He's a little special."

Patty returns to her seat as the bus continues along. At the next stop a sprightly elderly gentleman springs onto the bus, eagerly shaking the driver's hand and announcing, "Hiya everyone! I'm Lester!" He plops himself down in the seat directly behind the driver, whistles cheerily as he removes his shoes and socks, props his feet up on the driver's seat, and begins picking at the bunions on his toes.

Disgusted, the driver manages to ignore it and makes it to the final stop, where all the passengers finally leave. She then drives the bus back to the garage, and immediately heads to her boss's office and hands in her key. "I can't. I can't do this."
"Why not?" He asks, shocked. "I thought you were ready for this!"
Distraught, the bus driver replies, "I guess I wasn't ready for two large Patties, Lester pickin' bunions, and special Ross on a Sesame Street bus!"

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

flipthefrog.livejournal.com - 2014-05-10 04:59 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

bigpaw - 2014-05-10 12:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

flipthefrog.livejournal.com - 2014-05-10 14:06 (UTC) - Expand

Where does a king keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

(Anonymous) - 2014-05-10 01:21 (UTC) - Expand

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

(Anonymous) - 2014-05-10 01:51 (UTC) - Expand

A man brings his dog to the vet and says "I think my dog is blind." so the vet picks up the dog and starts looking him over and finally says "Sir I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down." and the man says "Why, because he's blind?" the vet says "No, because he's heavy."

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

vethica - 2014-05-10 02:25 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad Jokes Thread

caecilia - 2014-05-10 02:38 (UTC) - Expand

1. I never cut my own hair. Every time I try, it's always a hack job.

2. After Bode Miller won his first Olympic gold medal, he realized it was all downhill after that.

3. Q: What do you call infected insects during the apocalypse?
A: Zom-BEES!

4. A construction team is working on restoring an historic building. One of the workers approaches the foreman and says, "I couldn't remove all of the old insulation, but I did asbestos I could."

...Okay, I'll stop now (even though I have WAY more than these four).

Re: You asked for it

(Anonymous) - 2014-05-10 02:50 (UTC) - Expand

Re: You asked for it

(Anonymous) - 2014-05-10 02:56 (UTC) - Expand

how can you tell which one's Ronald McDonald at a nudist colony?
he's got sesame seeds on his buns!

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