fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2781 ]

[ SECRET POST #2781 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2781 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Game of Thrones]

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09. [broken]

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[Kevin Sorbo/Hercules: The Legendary Journeys]

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[Transformers: Prime]

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[Darkchylde]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 022 secrets from Secret Submission Post #397.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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I kind of feel like killing myself. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I have a dead end job where most of my coworkers hate me to the point where one of them was written up for bullying me (something I wasn't even aware of until after the fact), the rest just pretend that I don't exist and when they do talk to me it's always in a stern voice that they don't use with each other. My girlfriend's mother keeps telling her to break up with me because I'm a "fat loser who is the worst looking person she's ever dated". And even though I have my degree, I have been trying for months to find a job I'm actually qualified for. So far, no luck. I'm barely making the rent and my psycho ex who I had a restraining order against found me. So now she's been giving me grief and her car has been showing up near the place I work along with the supermarket I usually go to.

So yeah, I'm really thinking it's best to rent a room for the night and to shoot myself there. Maybe after I watch my favorite movie or something.

You went too far with this. It was going well until you described the obsessive ex. That, combined with the "I will rent a room and kill myself," doomed your attempt.

You're gross. OP could be crying for help right now and you're brushing it off to look edgy.

Please talk to someone about these feelings, someone you trust. You mention a girlfriend; does she know how you've been feeling? If you don't feel like you can talk to her about it, maybe a doctor or a hotline would be useful.

Also, I'd suggest starting to look for other jobs, if you aren't already. It doesn't sound like you're in a healthy work environment (though someone had to have reported your coworker for bullying you, so at least one person there cares), and if you were able to get out of there and find another job, then your ex wouldn't know your new workplace. Keep a log of all the incidents of your ex harassing you, and pursue legal action if necessary; is the restraining order still valid? If not, do you want another? Keeping a log will help you if you need to pursue that recourse.

Try to hang in there, Anon. It's possible for things to get better, and there are people who care about you.

Thanks for understanding anon. I want to talk to her about it, but it's a bit difficult to bring up the subject to her without looking weak or fucked up. Her mom keeps pressuring her to look for someone else despite the fact that my girlfriend says she doesn't want to. But it's hard to see when someone she says she is close to keeps forcing her to choose other guys and says how great they are compared to me.

I guess so. I feel tolerated by the more positive ones more than anything. I'm trying to look for another job in a different location. It's still be tough out there. A few interviews in person, but no guarantee of another job.

Thanks for the log recommendation. Yeah the restraining order was made a few months ago. It got really bad though. This girl slashed my tires and keyed my car. I was afraid she'd do something more violent next time.

It's made me feel like a piece of shit because I know my girlfriend could do better. There's so many more people out there who could offer her more and sometimes I think if I take myself out of the picture she could be happier. Everyone could be happier without me in it.

Your girlfriend obviously sees something worthwhile in you and her relationship with you, because otherwise she'd have given into her mother's horrible nagging a long time ago. Whether or not other guys "could offer her more" in some respects doesn't matter, if she's getting what she wants from you. People aren't interchangeable, and someone who was wealthier or more popular or more conventionally-attractive wouldn't necessarily make her happier. She's with you because she wants to be with you.

I do hope you'll try to talk to her about how you're feeling. If she truly cares about you, she won't think you're "weak or fucked up" for having a hard time with everything going on in your life (and I say this as the girlfriend of a guy with serious depression, who has been suicidal before).

I'd also suggest asking her to talk to her mother about the tremendously inappropriate behavior the mother is displaying. It's wrong for her to constantly insult and put down someone her daughter cares about, and try to meddle in her daughter's relationship this way, and it's making you (understandably) feel awful. That's not okay.

I sympathize with your job-searching difficulties, and unfortunately the only real advice I have is to keep at it. Keep updating your resume, expanding your skills, and sending those applications, and I think it'll pay off eventually. Good luck in the meantime.

Yeah, if you've got an active restraining order against this girl, definitely keep a record of each time she violates it, and bring that information to the police. Stay safe, Anon.

If your health insurance allows for it, it might also be helpful for you to talk to a professional about these feelings you've been having - especially if you don't feel comfortable talking to your girlfriend about them right away. Sometimes medications can make the stressors that contribute to depression easier to deal with, and a therapist might be able to teach you some techniques that could make it easier to cope with the problems you're experiencing. At the very least, it sounds like having a non-judgmental person to talk about your feelings and problems with and who might offer you some useful advice could be beneficial.

Please take care of yourself, Anon. I hope things go well for you. <3

A history of abusive girlfriends and co-workers is not a good reason to kill yourself. It's not a good excuse to kill yourself. I strongly suspect you're internalizing some foul perceptions of your worth from your abusive ex. You need to overcome that.

Maybe. She and her friends really did a number on my self esteem (and my property for that matter). But part of me can't get over the feeling that I'm holding my girlfriend back. She and I used to talk about kids and marriage; she says she really wants that with me. But how the hell am I supposed to give that to her when her mother, who she values greatly, hates me and thinks I'm not good enough for her daughter and has stated so several times. It's going to cause her more grief to have me in her life if her family doesn't accept me. I won't have my girlfriend know about what I'm going to do. I'd break up with her and then just disappear before killing myself. My life has pretty much been shit before she came into my life, and I really don't have that much to live for.

(I'm the anon from one response above raspberryrain)

I know from personal experience how rough it can be when your SO's parents decide they hate you. When I first got together with my boyfriend, neither of his parents approved of our relationship or thought highly of me. Six and a half years down the line, they've gotten over it. I hope things will get better for you with time as well, but even if your girlfriend's mother never stops being awful, it's your girlfriend that you're talking about marrying, not your future mother-in-law. Your girlfriend gets to make her own life decisions, and eventually she is going to need to realize that having her mother back-seat-drive her romantic life is neither fun nor healthy, and that she needs to push back, both for her own sake as well as for yours.

My advice: listen to what your girlfriend says, not what her mother says. Your girlfriend says she wants marriage and kids with you. Her mother is the one with the problem, but you're not marrying the mother. Some parents are controlling, and get upset when their kids deviate from the carefully charted path they've laid out for the kids' lives. That's a problem between your girlfriend and her mother, and taking you out of the picture isn't going to make the problem go away - it'll just spring up again the next time your girlfriend disagrees with her mom, and in the meantime you'll be depriving your girlfriend of a relationship with someone she says she wants to marry. Don't leave her "for her sake" when she's actively telling you that's the opposite of what she wants.

I really do hope things get better for you, Anon. *hugs if wanted*

Your comments helped a lot, anon. I don't have a lot of energy right now, but I want to thank you for everything you said last night. *hugs* I'll save this message to remember to keep things in perspective.

Thanks for the TW, dickhead.
Let me know how your pathetic cry for attention goes.

"Oh hey. Someone else has genuine problems and as a result, they are having thoughts of suicide. How do I make this about me?"

Priorities, man. Priorities.

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[ SECRET POST #2781 ]

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TW - Thoughts of suicide in original post

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