[ SECRET POST #2783 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2783 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 069 secrets from Secret Submission Post #398.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - random pattern image ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Did you not personally know anyone who had a good father? Like, did none of your friends or classmates have a good father so you could see "what fathers were for"? Because otherwise I still don't understand this.

[cassandraoftroy]

A few of my friends probably had good relationships with their fathers, but the fathers' personalities were such that they triggered a fear response in child-me. Other friends' fathers were quiet and unassuming enough that they didn't make a strong enough impression to over-write my existing understanding of what fathers were like. The rest, I didn't really interact much with their parents (especially since I had an instinct to actively avoid fathers). It sounds like confirmation bias, but we're talking about an intuition and emotional understanding shaped in childhood, so confirmation bias is definitely a thing.

Part of it is also that, because my own father was never a source of any of the positive emotional support that constitutes what fathers are "for," I never learned to expect that from a father, growing up. Some people with bad relationships with a parent talk about feeling like they have an empty space in their life, or fantasize about fixing their relationship. I don't, because I never experienced enough of the positive to notice a lack; I just grew up not expecting emotional support or positive reinforcement from my father, because that wasn't where those things came from.

da

[(Anonymous)]

To be honest, sometimes you can grow up in an abusive or neglectful household where what would horrify "normal" outsiders is just everyday life for you.

For example, I thought parents pushing their problems onto their minor children was a normal thing, oversharing and using their offspring to satisfy their own emotional needs. It wasn't until adulthood before it even occurred to me, "hey, wait. This isn't right."

I think that having a certain belief of the world is similar. You get enough of a bad example, and not enough of a good example, it confirms your belief about that thing, and there may not be a reason to believe otherwise.

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

Are you me, anon? Sounds like my childhood you're describing.

It took me a long time to come to that realisation too. Now I live in fear of doing the same to any children I have.

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

When I was four my parents moved house. They didn't choose the house, they let my sister (6 years old) and I choose.

Then they bought the house. It was a fucking disaster. They blamed us for it.

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

Oh lord, I know that kind. Sorry your parents couldn't put on their big kid underwear and simply take a lesson from that.

My mother often blamed my brother and I for the fact that we were stuck in a backwater town after my father fell ill and died of cancer. Oh no, it had nothing to do with not finishing her degree and getting a real job instead of simply living off of a dead man's benefits, or not making connections with out of town visitors, or not reaching out to family in better locations. Nope, it's the stupid 7-year-old and 10-year-old for whining about how they didn't want to leave their friends.

I can kind of understand feeling all alone and scared if your spouse suddenly dies, but motherfucker. See a therapist or unload on your friends. Don't involve your fucking kids and for fuck's sake don't blame them for your fears or for the fact you can't own your decisions. Even if you don't "mean it," it doesn't matter, your kids believe they are bad and did something wrong, and if you don't acknowledge that much, that kind of thing will creep into their relationships and lives well into adulthood.

Damn, sorry for tl;dr, I get stupid ranty about this shit sometimes.

sa

[(Anonymous)]

*brother and me

Re: sa

[(Anonymous)]

I just want to hug everyone in this thread.

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

Don't apologise, anon. It can really weigh on you, this stuff. I try to leave it behind, but sometimes all I want to do is gnash my teeth and demand to know what the hell they were thinking.

They still blame us btw.

I'm sorry you had your Mum's inability to cope placed on your shoulders, anon. :(

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

I COULD BE A LOT OF PEOPLE... FOR I AM ANON... BWAHAHAHA... or something

Well, I don't have kids and don't plan on having any, and I'm American, so that rules that out.

I think as long as you remain aware of the possibility, recognize the behavior if it happens, and correct the behavior immediately (without going so far in the opposite direction that the kids never learn personal responsibility or something), then I think you'll be all right.