fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2798 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2798 ⌋

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Well, my husband left me for another woman and I'm (still) angry with both of them, but...

I was with my husband for 21 years. All of my young adult life was spent with him, and all of my memories of that period, especially the good ones, include him. When I think of him, I'm aware of the happy times we shared. (If I tried to banish all memory of the happy times, I would be allowing him to steal them from me).

When I think of her, otoh, I don't have that connection. She is just the woman who has my ex-husband.

So I suppose I'm more tolerant towards him than towards her.

I suppose that makes sense, yes. But then you could also look at it in the sense that the person you love betraying you is worse than a stranger betraying you....

Can I ask how you got there?

I was in a relationship that took up the last 4/5 years of my life. I loved my ex, so I involved him in everything I could. Most of my happy memories after college are now tainted. How the heck do you deal with it? Right now every time I have a happy memory that's older than several months I'm immediately depressed because he appears in my head. I can't imagine having to deal with 21 years of that.

Pretty much the only thing I've learned at this point is to never let someone else get so involved in my life but knowing that now is cold comfort when the old stuff comes up.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I was exactly the same at first, and I'm not sure why it changed. I think it's mainly that time has helped.

But I also made a conscious decision, at some point, to talk about the happier times to other people -- you know when people are telling anecdotes? I'd say, "That reminds me of when D & I did such and such..." It surprised me at first, and I'm not sure if it made the others uncomfortable, but I do think it's helped me recover my past.

It's only recently, though, (in fact, I think today was actually the first time!) that I suddenly realised I was having a happy memory of doing something by myself, since he left. I hadn't thought that would ever happen.

But, unfortunately, I think time has been the main thing.

[ SECRET POST #2798 ]

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