[ SECRET POST #2798 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2798 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 071 secrets from Secret Submission Post #400.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[kallanda_lee]

I just find it...baffling.

I have a friend like this. And yes, this is a grown woman.

She had a relationship with a man who cheated with her on his wife when his marriage started to go sour. Which in my eyes is a huge red flag, becuse hey: here you have a certified cheater.

Anyway, years of promises of leaving his wife, keeping her hanging on: she buys his bullshit.

Finally he does separate from his wife but now, surprise surprise, he cheated on my friend with someone else.


She says she now definitely broke up with him, but thy still went to an event together, talking on at least a friendly basis - but the girl he cheated with was also there and it HER my friend won't speak to (but she's perfectly fine with talking to her cheating bf).

Now, I think monogamy's overrated but that's another story. But these are people who do want it and clearly see sex with someone else as BAD.

See, I like my friend and feel sort of sorry for her - but on the other hand I feel like everything that happened could have been expected.

It's not so much advice as a rant - I honestly just don't get it, why women(and some men I guess) are angry at the other person, but are ready to forgive they cheating-ass partner...

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

Why on earth do you like a person who would cheat with a married man for years?

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[kallanda_lee]

I'm not particularly judgmental in that sense. I actually quite like him, too. I'd never in a million years date him, but as a friend he's an okay guy. I never knew his wife, so I don't really have her perspective on it. Basically as it is now I'm still friendly with all parties involved.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

Gonna sound harsh, but your friend is an idiot.

And they blame the other person because it is easier thinking of THEM as a home wrecker than realizing the person who liked is an ass (and depending on circumstances, that you are a moron for going out with thme).

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[kallanda_lee]

I do feel she should have seen it coming, yes. She broke up with him previously, but she keeps taking him back.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

She's in love with him -- it blinds her to his faults. It's not that he's a liar and an adulterer, it's that he's a poor soul who is being seduced by evil temptresses. It's not his fault, the poor dear.

I don't know that she's even consciously aware of it. My mom did the same thing -- it took her YEARS to realize that some of my dad's behavior just wasn't okay. She would make excuses for him -- that he was tired, that he didn't really mean it, etc. It took escalation and her falling out of love with him for her to realize it.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

I've seen two different situations. I knew someone whose boyfriend's ex-girlfriend constantly attempted to seduce said boyfriend, taking advantage of his mental illness in the process. I also know someone who recently had a thing with a married guy, but he was the one who came on to her. The first one is unambiguously the homewrecker's fault; the latter is much more the spouse's.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[kallanda_lee]

Neither party involved is mentally ill or otherwise incapacitated. And as far as I can tell it's not even an affair, but a one-night stand sort of thing.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[darkmanifest]

Seems pretty simple to me, it's because they have feelings for/are attracted to the cheater, otherwise they wouldn't be with them to begin with, so they want to create excuses for them. There's nothing the outsider has that the person being cheated on wants, so why be fair to them?

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

You might think I'm old fashioned for this, but I do believe the "other woman" or "other man" is at fault too, but ONLY if they knew the person they were involved with was in a relationship. If they weren't aware, then it was just as much as a betrayal to them. If they did know, then sorry, I believe they're pretty shitty for doing what they did knowing that it could tear lives apart and hurt people.

Also your friend is kind of an idiot. She knew this guy was a cheater because she was involved with him in that way when he was cheating on his own wife. Did she really think he would stop just because he was with her? That never works. Cheating shows a disregard for other's feelings and a disrespect for relationships to get what you want. Anyone who thinks cheating is okay is obviously not going to have a problem with doing it again unless they get intervention from therapy.

I don't want to sound too harsh. You yourself sound like a reasonable, open minded person. But I can't say I would respect your friend. It looks like karma paid her a visit.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, don't even get me started... (I've only read the subject line, but I'm already eye-rolling so much I'm scared to read the actual comment because my eyeballs might roll out of my head...)

Okay. Read it. BRB Am looking for my eyeballs...

Well, you know, it's really not his fault. It's those evil other women. First his wife, for not letting him get out of what was obviously a bad marriage. (Guessing here, but that is usually the story.) Then this girl, for seducing him. Poor guy. /sarcasm

I have an ex who cheated.

[(Anonymous)]

I have an ex who cheated. I have credible evidence that they lied to at least a couple of the women they cheated with, saying either that we had an open relationship or that I was just a "play partner." They were involved in the BDSM community and relationships that are open in at least some aspect are really common there, so they had no reason to disbelieve it.

So no, no matter how angry I get, I can't blame the people they cheated with. People who cheat are by definition liars, so why would they only lie to their significant other? All it means is I'm not the only victim.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[anonymous4]

Well, my husband left me for another woman and I'm (still) angry with both of them, but...

I was with my husband for 21 years. All of my young adult life was spent with him, and all of my memories of that period, especially the good ones, include him. When I think of him, I'm aware of the happy times we shared. (If I tried to banish all memory of the happy times, I would be allowing him to steal them from me).

When I think of her, otoh, I don't have that connection. She is just the woman who has my ex-husband.

So I suppose I'm more tolerant towards him than towards her.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[kallanda_lee]

I suppose that makes sense, yes. But then you could also look at it in the sense that the person you love betraying you is worse than a stranger betraying you....

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

Can I ask how you got there?

I was in a relationship that took up the last 4/5 years of my life. I loved my ex, so I involved him in everything I could. Most of my happy memories after college are now tainted. How the heck do you deal with it? Right now every time I have a happy memory that's older than several months I'm immediately depressed because he appears in my head. I can't imagine having to deal with 21 years of that.

Pretty much the only thing I've learned at this point is to never let someone else get so involved in my life but knowing that now is cold comfort when the old stuff comes up.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

I hate this. Especially if the "other woman" didn't know he was in a relationship - then it's not her fault at all! If she did know, I could see blaming her a bit (I mean, she's knowingly helping someone cheat!) but I would definitely blame the husband/boyfriend too.

I did read a funny story somewhere once - I think some article about creeps on dating sites, where a woman got a message from a man on some dating site, and it turned out he was married. He'd apparently been trying to date a lot of women on that site, and when they and his wife found out they all got together in a group and surprised him at the airport.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[herpymcderp]

But they looooooove me so much it was clearly the other person who instigated it and "stole" him/her/zir/whatever from me!

Yeah, this is why I don't do monogamy either.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

Well, I once (fairly recently, actually) met a woman who was dating a guy whose ex cheated on him. She went on this long rant about how much she hated women who cheat on their men, that they're the worst there is, etc.

I told her my ex cheated on me. She said that it's different- because women have all the power in sex, and men are helpless when women throw themselves at them.

There are many people out there who still hold this opinion.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[grausam]

dunno, you can read her mood better- maybe she's not blaming him less or the other women more, but she just feels more humiliated in Her presence while still putting up with his (maybe hoping to get together again, or to seek approval of being "reasonable" to feel less exchangable)

add to that the fact that she was the other women a while ago, which is kinda embarrassing. projecting the angry realization of yourself that you could have forseen it on the other person (hate what you were yourself etc)

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[kallanda_lee]

This...actually makes a lot of sense. Maybe that's the right way of looking at it. I'm still baffled if she's trying to reconcile, though.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who was cheated on, I guess I can sort of explain? I know it's irrational, but it's a feeling you can't really help. I hate the other woman internally. I hate that she came on to him strongly, I hate that she was offering to have unprotected sex with a guy she had just met, I hate that she expected him to spend the rest of his life with her just because she got pregnant. And yes, if she hadn't had an abortion, I would asked for a paternity test because if you're willing to have sex with one stranger without condoms or birth control, you'd probably do it with any stranger. (I love my boyfriend, but he's not the type of guy you'd throw your life away for a one night stand, we're both extremely average looking) I blame my boyfriend, too, however.

Aside from what I've said here, I keep my feelings about her to myself. It's just...cathartic? I guess it's helping me cope with it.

[not_quite_anon]

As far as forgiving goes, I think it's more complicated than just who deserves the blame. It's also at least partly a matter of what's at stake. What do you gain/lose if you forgive or don't forgive each party involved?

If you can still see the potential to patch things up and make a good life with the cheating partner, that's a powerful motivation to try to move past their betrayal. Whereas, depending on the circumstances, the person they cheated with might or might not even have been a friend, so there could be a lot less to gain by forgiving them.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[51stcenturyfox]

Well, I think it's kind of "shit you don't do to a sista" if you're banging another woman's man.

It's kind of prejudiced in a way, because I think this probably comes from the assumption that men can't keep it in their pants so women should be the gatekeepers there.

I think it's dickish to be in a monogamous relationship and cheat as well as dickish to cheat with someone whom you know to be in a monogamous relationship. It's like accepting stolen goods and being a cock fence.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

It's depressingly commonplace, isn't it. :( I tend to think it falls into the category of people making excuses for the abusive people in their lives, because sometimes it feels easier to delude yourself into thinking you can put up with it for love's sake rather than facing the fact that it's over.

Re: Women who blame "the other woman" but not the guy who cheated...

[(Anonymous)]

I'm the opposite, OP. I never blame the 'other' person, I always see the cheating partner as the bad guy. The other person doesn't know you and owes you nothing, much less loyalty. The person who said they'd be monogamous to you? He or she owes you what they promised. When they break that promise, the onus is on them.