fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2818 ]

[ SECRET POST #2818 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2818 ⌋

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I love my boyfriend, but the thought of spending all my life with just one person, never falling in love again, never having sex with someone else...well that just bores and depresses me.

Does you boyfriend know this? It's kind of assholish not to tell him.

(Pervocracy may be of interest to you--the writer and her boyfriend both acknowledge that they won't be together forever or exclusively, but they seem to love each other quite a lot.)

He doesn't know, at least not exactly in that phrasing. I mean, I pretty much made it clear I'm not the marrying white-picket-fence kind.So, he knows we're not going there. And it's always been a sort of "we're going to do this as long as it's fun" sort of thing. But, I know he's not a fan of the full blown open relationship thing. Hell, I'm not even sure how I'd feel about it in practice. It's not like I had a plan or anything when I started it. It's my longest relationship to date, so it's not like I have a script t follow.

Well there's quite a big difference between not being the marrying kind and not wanting to be in one committed relationship and wanting to sleep with other people. Might be something to bring up at some point.

Yeah, though it's sort of hard for me to figure out if it would work for me in practice. Like there is a difference between the theory and the practice of things. I've been part of a sort of "V" arrangement before, but that's different, especially since we were all friends and it only really lasted 6 months.

I think this is actually fairly common to think. I think this was partly why my mother divorced my father at least, and, personally, I think that most humans are serial monogamists in various degrees (or perhaps this is just me who, like you, really can't imagine staying with just one person until one of us dies).

As long as you don't actually cheat on your boyfriend, I don't think you're an asshole at least.

Nah, I don't really see myself as the type. Plus I'm a terrible liar, I'd never keep it up.

This is a good comment.

Polyamoury is clearly the best compromise.

Yes, well, but if it would be a sort of arrangement where he'd just sort of tolerate it for my sake, I'm not sure how I'd feel about that either.

Plus it increases chance of drama, and I rather dislike that.

I am coming in reallly late because I've been sick and am catching up on F!S because... I'm sick and have nothing better to do. If you are at all interested, there is a group on Fetlife specifically for people in relationships where one partner is monogamous and the other is polyamorous -- https://fetlife.com/groups/2000

I give the link because it might help you to, if you don't want to jump in and ask questions, read back, lurk, see what other people's experiences have been, and inevitably there will be threads with people asking the same questions you're wondering and people giving advice.

It may not be the solution for you, but it's IMO worth a bit of internet browsing. :)

Thank you for the resource, in any case.

I definitely don't think that makes you an asshole; everyone is different and if a committed relationship with one person isn't for you, well...it isn't the worst thing.

But I do think it's probably something you need to discuss with him at some point. If you aren't happy (or start to feel unhappy) then it would probably be better for both of you to discuss the issue and see where it goes. If you feel like you need to be in an option relationship, break up, whatever, then he should know.

I don't want to break up at all, and it's not even like I actively want to sleep with anyone else right now. But a lifetime...that's a long time. I might not be built for that.

That's okay! You either are or you aren't. No use fretting over it. But if you ever feel like you need to sleep with someone else I say discuss it with him. Maybe he'll even be okay with it; it sounds like you're both pretty open minded.

We actually had the whole open relationship discussion in the beginning, and he says it complicates things, and the thing is I sort of tend to agree.

It's one of these things that might be trickier in practice than in theory. The thing is we're both relatively drama-free people, but a third or fourth person in the mix just increases chance for complications.

And being completely honest with myself - I'm not sure Id be able to keep my feelings out of it, either.

It's one of these things that might be trickier in practice than in theory.

Haha, yea, I have no doubts that's probably true for a lot of people. I suppose he could change his mind about it, but if you know he isn't into the idea I get why you wouldn't want to discuss it again. As for right now it sounds like you're okay, so hopefully it stays that way.

Poly and in an open relationship here. For my partner and I, actually, being polyamorous is probably why we're still together 10yrs later. With one exception, they've never been with anyone else (and they were sorta coerced into that, which I didn't realize at the time that my douchebag ex was harranging my partner), because they've never felt they had the time for another relationship. Not counting 2 online relationships that 1 fizzled badly and 1 came out as trans and realized she's not actually interested in male bodied people.

For me, though, I'm a... very emotionally needy person. I am high maintenance. I don't like admitting this, but I am, and being poly has meant that I have more people there... so, no one person is loaded down with Nonny Mess at one time. Given that I am bipolar and autistic and physically disabled... yeah. My married partner has actually said that they aren't sure if our relationship would have made it through the rough periods before I got medicated without us having an open/polyamorous relationship (not the same thing; we have an open relationship on top of being poly). This is just my own experience, but it's commonly assumed poly/open relationships are implicitly complicated, and this is not always the case. For us, it's un-complicated our relationship.

I don't know if that would be the case for you, but I felt like sharing. :)

I'm sort of different, in the sense I don't think I'm really that high maintenance. Our relationship really isn't complicated at all. I'm more the "fun girlfriend" I guess (maybe too fun, I guess, I've done more than some do in two lifetimes and still feel short on time). I DO have quite a lot of issues, but I never dumped them on one person to begin with. It's sort of spread out over my bf, my mom, and some of my good friend, even online contact.

I do already get intellectual stimulation at least from other people - fortunately he's not possessive in that sense, because that WOULD be difficult.

I'm not sure. I think in my case it's also part of my perpetual crisis of not feeling my age (and genuinely not really being my age emotionally, as I "lost" a few years - long story) so it sort of seems like I ended up in this semi-settled adult life that I'm wholly unprepared for even though most of my peers are. If that makes sense.

Edited 2014-09-25 22:47 (UTC)

It totally makes sense! I'm not trying to talk you into anything; I just didn't see much from people who have experience with poly relationships, especially those with people who are mostly monogamous (as my partner is, albeit more by default) and thought I'd chime in with my own. :)

I know the restless feeling all too well, too, plus the emotional age thing, though I expect our reasons are different. Mine is a combination of autism and abuse, which meant I grew up really fast in some ways and very much not in others. I am nearly 30 and I'm like, wait, WTF. You're definitely not alone there. (And if you want to talk about it more, I'm here to listen. <3 )

With me it's sort of...harder to explain, because it's not one thing that someone did to me...hell, most of it could count as self-inflicted in a way. I'm not even sure what exactly I had, because I had many different shrinks, sticking all sorts of labels on me, ranging from mild depression to PTSD to psychosis.

I'm pretty sure I did have depression, and anxiety, and very self-destructive tendencies (let's put that mildly). The thing is I sort of know the reasons for it, and they're sort of hard to explain to people, and the painful part is a lot of it could have been avoided.

In any case, I didn't have normal teens,I ended up not being in regular schooling, and went to college late (chronologically, I did lose 4 years between high school and graduating college - but if we're talking emotional development, were talking more years). In many ways it's like I looked in the mirror at 13, then sort of went into this haze, and woke up at 21 and just started to pretend I'm a semi-fuctional adult.

And I have no idea if ANY of that even makes sense.

I also didn't have normal schooling; I was homeschooled by conservative Christian parents. My dad was abusive and retired military; Mom worked, and he kept her so busy with his abusive bullshit (that I fled to the back room to hide from the screaming because our bedroom bordered theirs and I could hear the words) that she didn't get much sleep, nor did she have much time for us. So... I had very little socialization, and my sister had none.

Come to think, my sister's experience is probably closer. She didn't have anyone outside of family, at all, and because I was meeting people online, Dad started in on the Evils of the Internet, because I moved away with people I met online to get away from the abuse. My life didn't turn out the way I expected (disability, age 18) but at least I was out of that hellhole. My sister is only now at age 24 starting to get the fuck out, taking college classes and looking for work.

Me, I was homeschooled, and I was expected from age 11 to basically be Second Mom to my sister because I was now old enough for Dad to leave the house (Mom was asleep) and for me to watch her... a highly autistic child that was a known firebug and destructo-matic. So, I had that, and Dad's abuse, and then at 16 went into college through state program that pays tuition for teens who pass a qualifying exam, which was really awesome in a way, because it got me the fuck out of the house (for one), and it was an experience that I'm very glad to have had. But, being also autistic, I was all over the place emotionally and mentally.

I was expected to be very mature in some ways but treated like an utter child in others, and there were things I should have been taught that I wasn't. So... yeah, all over the place. Not quite as bad as you had it, though, but enough that I can definitely sympathise. *hugs offered*

See, but when I hear stories like yours, I almost feel bad complaining, you know. Objectively I'd definitely rank any sort of abuse as worse than my experience. My folks are actually decent human beings who tried their best (often failed,yes, but not through malice) and well, sometimes I do think it's just me that's the problem. *Hugs back*

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[ SECRET POST #2818 ]

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