fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2823 ]

[ SECRET POST #2823 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2823 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 018 secrets from Secret Submission Post #403.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Why are implying that a couple who've been together for 60+ years, are not particularly interested in sex, are not 'in love' with each other as they once were, but still consider each other their best friend and the most important person in their life ave a lesser love for each other than a similar couple who are still sexually interested in each other?

nayrt

To me it seems like they're saying the exact opposite of that? YOU'RE the one saying they can't be in love if they're not interested in sex.

AYRT

No, I'm (admittedly playing devil's advocate) by saying that if a couple isn't interested in having sex with each other anymore, and aren't in love with each other any more (note I'm not saying one causes the other, I'm just suggesting hypothetical couple where this is the case), but still love each other incredibly deeply, then why isn't that relationship given as much weight as one where the couple say they're 'in love'.

Like, I kind of think this whole thread discussion has a lot of anons frantically defending ace romantic love, but a lot of that defensiveness seems to be coming from a conception of human ties where romantic love is elevated above all others.

I don't think anyone's saying that the love between friends is somehow inferior to the love between romantic partners. What people are saying is that romantic love is not dependent on sex.

yet no one has really explained what non-sexual romantic love is, besides giving examples that people with close friendships readily admit to also doing.

I think that's because it's really difficult to explain.

I'm going to copy a bit of what I said to the anon downthread: I don't love my closest friends in the same way that I love my parents. I don't love my spouse in the same way that I love my closest friends. And when I lost my sex drive due to a medical issue, my feelings for my spouse were still distinct from my feelings for the other people that I love.

I think the problem is that, despite there being many different types of love, English only has the one word for it. I'm trying to think of how to describe the way I feel about my parents vs. the way I feel about my friends vs. the way I feel about my spouse, and I literally have no idea how to describe it. I know only that the set of feelings is different for each of them.

Also, as far as "giving examples that people with close friendships admit to doing:" I'm not sure too many people in close friendships make out with each other.

For what it's worth, I think this is the best explanation (and really, the only explanation) throughout this thread. I can agree completely that maybe it's English's fault that we only have one word for love, and not enough words to qualify love. Romantic love, platonic love, familial love... and that's all I can think of. Maybe it'd be better if we had a word that implied partnership and desire to connect emotionally, not sexually, though I still feel that could describe a close friend, too - but "intimate partnership" or something of that sort might do better to describe an asexual relationship.

ayrt

Ah. I see what you mean.

Leaving aside the issue of sex or no sex, I think people valuing romantic love above friendship is one of those things that's just so ingrained in the culture that people just don't even think about it. You're expected to find a significant other, get married, raise kids, and stay together forever. Of course that isn't realistic, especially give how common divorce is these days, but it's what you're "supposed" to do. While it's understood that your friends can be important to you, ultimately they're "only" people you maybe hang out with from time to time, and they're not going to be as important as your significant other/spouse. (Not that I necessarily agree with any of this, just that it's "the way it is" at least in my experience.)

Obviously there are a lot of people who don't find into that mold, which I think is why there ultimately is no clear cut answer, like a couple other people in this thread have said. It's going to be different for everybody, and I think trying to explain your own definition of romantic love to someone else is essentially pointless because it can vary so wildly based on what sort of culture you grew up in, what examples of romantic relationships you had growing up, your own experiences, what you personally value in a relationship, etc.

In the end I think the only definition I can really give is, like someone below said, "it's a romantic relationship if the people in it agree that it is". That's not to say romantic relationships are any more or less important than friendships, but there's definitely a distinction in my mind, even if I can't articulate exactly what that distinction is.

nayrt

I personally don't think it is any less to have a best friend than a romantic partner. And I don't like the phrase "in love", because it seems to imply that a loving friendship is inferior to a romantic one. I certainly would call the couple that hasn't had sexual interest in one another for over a decade "in love" for that reason, if they are still committed, but I don't personally think they are "romantically in love" anymore. They are partners, loving best friends, and so forth, but they aren't romantic. And that's okay.

That's the thing, though -- why does a lack of sexual interest also mean a lack of romance? And why does the suggestion that romantic feelings can exist without sexual interest make you and the other anon feel as if the love between friends is viewed as inferior?

There is more than one type of love. I don't love my closest friends in the same way that I love my parents. I don't love my spouse in the same way that I love my closest friends. That doesn't mean that I've developed some sort of hierarchy for each of them, it just means that the set of feelings I have for each of them is different. And yes, during a period in my life when I didn't have a sex drive due to a medical issue, the feelings I had for my spouse were still distinct from the feelings I had for the other people that I love.

NA

I don't understand why they think it means friendship is inferior, either, because I don't see anyone saying it's lesser, just that it's different.

I agree with you 100% but I think this is probably just one of those things you can't understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. The people not getting it obviously haven't had romantic feelings without sex being involved. Which is totally fine, hell, they're in the majority, but I don't think there's really a way of explaining it so they understand when they haven't experienced it themselves.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2823 ]

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?

Re: What's the difference between asexual romance and really close friendship?