fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2862 ]

[ SECRET POST #2862 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2862 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 042 secrets from Secret Submission Post #409.
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Really?

May I ask why?

AYRT

Handwriting on the wall. No matter what the circumstances. It absolutely takes two, and if they weren't duly diligent enough in getting into the first (or second or third or you get the picture) relationship, odds are high they won't be duly diligent when getting into one with me. Too much trouble, life is too short, not worth the time, yadda yadda yadda.

Ok then.

I heartily do not agree, but to each their own.

I generally agree but I think exceptions can be made. Like if they divorced because their partner cheated on them. Or if they divorced because their partner was abusive, some kind of criminal, etc

AYRT

This is my point about due diligence. If they couldn't read/spot the signs until the point where they actually married the other party (and stayed in the marriage), that's a failing on their part. From my perspective, if they were at all unhappy with me, they might stay stuck in regardless, and just make both of us miserable. As one example.

Per your examples: They picked someone who cheated on them? Very poor judge of character. Abusive situation? If they split the first time the abuser tried anything, then yeah, okay, but see above, about getting to the point where you still marry the other party, despite great big flashy neon warning signs over their head.

ayrt

That assumes people stay the same forever and ever and are set in stone as soon as they're married, and that there's some finite limit of unchangeable "true" personality that you can uncover before marriage.

What if the spouse develops a disorder and changes completely? What if the spouse beings drinking heavily when they never drank before, and gets destructive, if not abusive? What if the spouse gets caught up in illegal activity through being blackmailed or coerced at a new job at a new company, they never had before? etc

A "disorder that causes someone to change completely" doesn't exist. Various mental disorders that can be masked, to one extent or another, do exist, but those afflicted certainly don't change, they just seem to. Same with "sudden" heavy drinking; Real Life(tm) doesn't work that way. And isn't your last example from Breaking Bad?!

(AYRT BTW)

ayrt

I don't watch Breaking Bad, so idk what you're referencing or if that was sarcasm or what, sorry.

You have a very, very rosy view of Real Life(tm), nonny. Good luck in your endeavors and I hope no bad things caused by outside forces happen to you or your spouse.

Yes, those disorders do actually exist. One of them is called post-traumatic stress disorder. You might have heard of it.

I hope whomever you get involved with never experiences any traumatic events after they enter into a relationship with you, because man, won't they just feel great when you leave them?

Re: What are your relationship deal breakers?

(Anonymous) - 2014-11-04 03:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What are your relationship deal breakers?

(Anonymous) - 2014-11-04 03:06 (UTC) - Expand

You sound like you've never been in a relationship. Or had to deal with the real world at all.

AYRT

You sound like you're twelve. Or have zero reading comprehension whatsoever.

Re: What are your relationship deal breakers?

(Anonymous) - 2014-11-04 01:36 (UTC) - Expand

...wow. You are a legitimately terrible human being, and I hope no one ever marries you, because, as you say, they'd be a terrible judge of character do so.

I'm pretty sure this is a troll, but in case you really are just lucky and naive enough to not experience any of these yourself, there's a reason why a lot of people in abusive situations don't pick up on the signs. Truth is, many abusers hide their abusive tendencies until it is too late. As in, until after they're walking down the aisle, it's all still the honeymoon phase. So no, there is no real warning beforehand for the person stuck in this problem.

There's still also the mindset about how emotional abuse is A-Okay with people and that victims are just "too sensitive". Therefore you have the abuser's friends and family members telling the victim that all these destructive actions are normal, and maybe even having the victim's own friends and family members agreeing depending on how manipulative the abuser is. Even though emotional abuse can be equally as destructive as physical abuse and also can be the first signs to escalating to physical and sexual abuse as well.

It's never all cut and dry, anon. A victim finally seeing their abuser for what they are should never be shamed for not leaving sooner.

You sound like my mother.

That wasn't a compliment.

She's one of those obnoxious, victim-blaming, slut-shaming, racist, sexist, homophobic assholes that thinks everything she does is Right and Perfect.

Including egging her suicidal kid on as a fucking joke and then later said her daughter's own rape was her own fault for "not reading the signs."

Do you apply this to people who have been in long term relationships that were basically marriage without the ceremony as well, or do they have to go through the actual process of marriage followed by divorce for it to be a dealbreaker for you?

/curious

AYRT

Haven't dealt with the latter, but yeah, I likely would treat LTR that was marriage without the paperwork, but ended, in the same perspective. Big helping of nope.

You'd have to be either an idiot or a child to think that someone ending an LTR means that they have a fatal character flaw.

Sometimes, people end LTRs because they come to the mutual conclusion that the relationship no longer meets their needs. They might find that they're better off being friends, or that, while the relationship was positive, it's time to go seek other horizons. You, being a small-minded half-wit who can't conceive of romantic love terminating at any point other than "forever," are incapable of comprehending that and so dismiss such people.

You are the person people looking for romantic attachments should avoid. From your comments, it's clear that you're clingy, judgmental, incapable of forgiveness, and prone to blaming victims for what happens to them.

Yeah this. One of my friends was in a LTR for over five years. But he also started this relationship right out of high school and until he finished college. From who he was and what he wanted have changed throughout the beginning and end of this relationship. They both wanted to live in different locations, had different goals that they wanted to accomplish first, and because of this weren't really getting along anymore. It happens. It doesn't make them unfaithful. Life changes, people change. And sometimes they don't change in a way that allows them to be together happily.

Re: What are your relationship deal breakers?

(Anonymous) - 2014-11-04 21:54 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What are your relationship deal breakers?

bribedwithbacon - 2014-11-05 02:22 (UTC) - Expand

SA

Actually, I thought of something better for you.

I hope you meet someone and fall in love. I hope you, being logical and all, vet them for years. You put off marrying until you're sure, absolutely fucking sure, that you "know" them. And I hope that you're then happily married for years.

But then, one day, that person comes home to you and says that they've consulted a lawyer and have decided to divorce you. I hope they tell you that they've been cheating on you all along, and that they're now leaving you for someone else. I hope they rake you over the coals and leave you shuddering with your heartbreak. And I hope you then decide that you can never be with anyone again, because you are the very thing that you hate: you are divorced, and divorced people are scum who cannot be trusted. Your judgment cannot be trusted, because for all you tried to make sure that the person you married was the person they presented themselves to be, it turned out that they weren't. And that means that you are shit and aren't worthy of happiness.

i see you have a lot of feels about this

go pop a prozac, you'll feel better

And then kill yourself Robin Williams style.

Not OP, and it's not a 100 percent of a dealbreaker but it's a huge red flag to me. I'd consider it if it was a stupid mistake they made at 20 and they've grown as a person since then, but certainly wouldn't want to be involved with someone recently divorced.

Yes, that silly abuse victim who finally worked up the courage to get away from their abuser, what an unfaithful slut. Should have just remained where she was.

Well, if it's a "she" it's not going to work anyway with me. But anyway, I'm not original OP, and I did say it depends on context.

However, to me it would still fall under "not if recently divorced" because a) I do not want an abusive ex on my doorstep and b) I do not believe it healthy for an abuse victim to go straight from an abusive relationship to another relationship (at least I'm not going to be that person).

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