fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2862 ]

[ SECRET POST #2862 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2862 ⌋

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So, I've lost a decent amount of weight recently. Not many people have commented, but when they have it's always been positive. But recently, a regular client at work mentioned it, and it really weirded me out. She said it in this really rude, hostile, accusing way (it was so bizarre, I've never seen anyone react that way before) and it caught me so off guard that I didn't even know what to say at first. I tried to brush it off as just the clothes I was wearing, but she kept on. I finally just said "ok, maybe a little" and luckily another client walked in then and I was able to excuse myself to go help them.

This particular woman is a really longtime client, and seems to have a bit of a weird preoccupation with my weight. Over the years she's made multiple comments about it (sometimes she'd comment that I'd gained weight, and others that I'd lost weight, even though in the past when she'd bring it up I was always about the same weight) and she'll often make judgmental comments about my clothing (and one time the color of nail polish I was wearing). She's overweight herself, so I don't know if she's jealous that I've lost weight and that's why she's acting the way she is or what, but I'm getting tired of her attitude. She's one of these people that has zero tact, and pretty much everything that comes out of her mouth sounds rude.

Her constant comments on my appearance really bother me, to the point where I've even brought it up to my boss. My boss didn't understand me being bothered by this lady's comments on my weight and said that I'm not allowed to say anything to the woman about it because we can't risk losing her business.

I know it's completely ridiculous, and I shouldn't let this woman's opinion affect me like this, but I can't help but be bothered by it. I thought "well, I'll just make sure to always wear a baggy sweatshirt or something when she comes in so maybe my weight won't be obvious and she won't comment on it", which I know is really pathetic of me, and then I start wondering whether I even want to lose anymore weight (I still have a bit more to go before I'm where I want to be) if it's just going to cause comments like this.

Has anyone had any experiences like this or any advice or anything? I just don't know how to stop letting it get to me.

No, that would bother me,too.

I tend to like compliments about losing weight - but from your description is does sound like she's being weird about it. And it's worse with clients I guess, because you can't tell them off.

I had this awkward thing one of my past jobs where two women thought I was pregnant..ouch. I dunno why. Maybe it was the clothes, maybe I had more weight on my belly then proportionally - but it's awkward.

The thing is you can't win. I had people tell me "to watch my health" because I'm overweight. Now I have people tell me "to watch my health" because I'm losing weight.

OP

Yeah, most of the other comments have been friendly, and I'm fine with that. But from this woman's tone of voice you'd expect her to be accusing someone of, I don't know, kicking a kitten or something. It was just so weird how hostile she seemed, but like you said, can't tell off clients.

Ugh, that would suck. :( On the one hand it's kind of nice to be acknowledged when you lose weight but on the other I sort of wish people would just keep their comments to themselves because you never know that person's situation.

You're right, you can never win. Before, I had family members "worried about my health" (even though they were all at least as overweight as I was) and now they're worried I'm "not eating enough" (even though now I actually eat an appropriate amount instead of way too much).

From how you describe things, this sounds like harassment, and it's bullshit that your boss won't take you seriously.

That does sound really damn weird. What the hell is that lady's problem?

It's also not cool that your boss didn't take you seriously about it. Doesn't matter if someone's a customer, harassment isn't OK.

I get it that you can't really help letting someone's opinion affect you - it's mean and rude, of course you feel hurt. (And unfortunately I don't have much advice for that, because I'm pretty sensitive too, haha.)

But doesn't mean she's right or that her opinion truly matters. She's just some random lady who clearly has her own issues to sort through and is taking them out on other people.

Sorry you had to deal with this, anon. :(

OP

She definitely has her own issues, and when I think about it I'm sure her own insecurity is behind the way she's acting. I probably am too sensitive, and I need to realize that when people are being assholes for seemingly no reason, it's their problem and not mine. And I'm sure she's not sitting around thinking about me, so I need to not waste my time on her.

This is workplace harassment. And "we can't risk losing her business" just riles the shit out of me, though I don't know the nature of the business or the market out there, so I don't know how much truth there is to that.

If your boss won't do anything about it, is it possible to go to HR?

If not, is it possible for you to start looking for another job? Hate to say it, but it sounds like your employer isn't in your corner.

And that woman is an insecure little shit who has nothing better to do in her life than drag everyone else down into her den of misery. Of course she's jealous of you.

OP

The economy here is not great so losing business is a valid concern, but one client won't make or break anything. But I guess I understand the general principle.

It's a small company, and there actually isn't an HR department. My boss is the owner, so there's not anyone higher up to go to.

As for finding another job, aside from clients being rude assholes sometimes, the job is actually awesome. The pay (which is significantly more than the average for jobs in the same field in this area) and benefits are great and usually my boss is pretty awesome as well. I'm not happy with the way she's handled this specific situation but in general I don't really have any complaints.

And that woman is an insecure little shit who has nothing better to do in her life than drag everyone else down into her den of misery. Of course she's jealous of you.

I guess I need to just keep this in mind. Without getting into details, she definitely has issues, and is basically known for being a rude pain in the ass so I need to just remind myself that the crap she says is her problem, not mine.

When I went to university, I lost a lot of weight due to different eating habits. About 8 months after last being at my parents house, I went to visit for a few days and they both kept gushing about how much weight I'd lost and how they couldn't believe it. They've been trying to lose weight for pretty much the entirety of the time I can remember, but were never able to. And no wonder: you can change what you eat all you want, but if you're having huge portions, it's not going to make a difference.

There wasn't anything rude or mean-spirited behind it. I didn't mind the initial comment, but after that, it felt like I was being gawked at and I was not comfortable with it.

I wouldn't blame you for being uncomfortable in that situation. It's weird coming from people who know you, it'd be weirder coming from people who don't. I think it's pretty much widely accepted etiquette to not be all over people's weight and such.

Edited 2014-11-04 04:09 (UTC)

OP

Exactly. I could handle it when it was people I know well (and to be honest, even then made me a *little* uncomfortable because I don't like drawing attention to myself), but for this lady I barely know to do it in such a weird way, it just made me uncomfortable. I told my mom about it and she didn't get it at all, just told me that I was being being ridiculous, and losing weight is one of the greatest things a woman could do and I have no right to be bothered by the lady's comments. Like you said, I felt like it was polite to not comment on other people's weight and told her that and she went on about how losing weight was always so wonderful no matter what and how could I not be thrilled by what that lady said? Which kind of bothered me as well, but she obviously has a pretty screwed up outlook on weight.

I don't know, I'm rambling now, but yeah, I'm starting to think people need to just keep their mouth shut about other people's weight when it's not someone they know well.

She's being inappropriate and unprofessional, and it's a damn shame your boss won't back you up on this. If you think you can get away with it, just give her a short, cheery brush off answer and follow it up immediately with, "So, about [that work thing that's the real issue]..."

Sometimes people get weird and hostile when they see someone else working a change for the better in their lives, because it reminds them they haven't accomplished the same. Or she imagines that because you've been successful in your weight loss, you feel superior to her now... which is her own insecurity talking. You could be evil and treat every single comment she makes about your weight/appearance as if it was a compliment, regardless of what she's actually said. I bet she'd stop...

OP

Unfortunately since she's a client and not a coworker, she isn't really required to be professional. I am disappointed by the way my boss is reacting but since she's pretty great in general I'm going to try not to be too upset by it. And she's mentioned a few times wanting to lose weight herself, so maybe she has her own issues with weight that are influencing her opinion on this...who knows.

And yeah, everyone is making me realize it really is this woman's own issues that are causing her to act like this. I probably need to just ignore her but it is annoying. I halfway thought of saying "yeah, I'm dying" if she brings up my weight again, but I have a feeling I'll get in trouble for being a smartass if I do.

Ugh, that sucks and I'm sorry. It's definitely her, and not you. Sounds like the best you can do is to try and derail any conversations that go in that direction and fake being cheerful. "Oh, Edna, enough about me! I want to make sure we have enough time to go over [your very important project]! [insert barrage of questions]"

Honestly, some people/women are just like that.

They don't have many interests outside gossiping about other people. All they do is people watch and compare themselves to others, whether it's from above and below. The reason she makes comments about your weight is because - in all likelihood - there isn't anything much deeper that goes through her brain.

I tend to chalk it up to half personality, half the way society tells women that looks and status as THE key things to focus on/how you're always going to be at war with each other/etc.

(not the OP)

This. Some people don't have a whole lot going on for them besides getting obsessed with outside appearances: their own, yours, etc. They've pretty much succumbed to media brainwashing about how a woman's self-worth is dependent upon her looks, so that's how she measures herself and everyone else. Now that OP is losing weight (and improving her worth in that woman's mind), she feels threatened by it and will react accordingly. It's very, very sad, but there you have it.

OP

The weird thing is that she puts zero effort into her appearance. (Normally I wouldn't even comment on this sort of thing, but since she feels the need to constantly comment on my appearance, and you're bringing up this angle, I will.) Her hair is always greasy and unwashed-looking, I've never seen her wear anything other than yoga pants and a t-shirt, and she doesn't wear any makeup and has pretty bad skin. This probably sounds horribly shallow, and I don't think a woman owes it society to try to look as attractive as possible or anything; if that's not her priority that's fine, but when she's always saying judgy things about how I look I kind of feel like it's fair game.

It's weird but I guess I just have to chalk it up to She Has Issues and leave it at that because it just doesn't make sense otherwise.

Yeah, that's probably for the best.

The woman I'm actually drawing from is my grandma. She wakes up, eats breakfast, and then spends several hours sitting in front of the big picture window in her front room, staring out onto the street and making comments about each family that lives there as they/their car goes past.

She also looks like an absolute mess inside the house and a somewhat mess when she does her errand shopping, but spends nearly an hour doing her makeup and hair alone when she goes out to bingo. Effort put in is relative to your social circle.

Maybe she sees your office as a "safe place" so to speak? *shrugs*

Does suck though, and I'm sorry that you have to put up with it.

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[ SECRET POST #2862 ]

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