fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2866 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2866 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Person of Interest]

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07. http://i.imgur.com/fq1S7if.png
[Strictly Come Dancing, linked for nudity]

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08. [ SPOILERS for Bleak Expectations]

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09. [ SPOILERS for Watchmen ]

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10. [ SPOILERS for Transformers: More than Meets the Eye ]

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11. [ WARNING for child sexual abuse ]

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12. [ WARNING for rape, gore, etc]

[American Horror Story: Freakshow]

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So long story short, my mother's cancer is back and the prognosis isn't good. My dad isn't really around. I'm sorry to post this here, but I thought some of you might have some advice to share.

I'm so sorry, anon. That's pretty sucky. Um...advice? It's hard to say, because everyone is different but....

Don't be afraid of her illness. Don't hide from it, refuse to talk about it, stuff like that. When my dad was sick, we made jokes about would he want a Viking funeral or should we make his ashes into diamonds and who was going to get what pair of socks. We *talked* about it, and it was morbid, maybe, but it also took the sting out of it.

And don't treat her like glass. I mean, yes, she's ill and she will have days when she wants to do nothing but lie on the couch, but don't *coddle* her when she wants to get up and cook, or do her own laundry, or go shopping. Let her be *herself* for as long as she wants, and as long as she's able.

Get things in order. Again, it seems morbid, but it's actually practical. Ask the questions you don't want to or feel you 'shouldn't' ask - how many credit cards does she have? Does she owe a mortgage payment? Does she want her sister/cousin/niece to get the 'good' china or does she not care? What does she want, re: funeral, burial, etc., and how is it going to be paid for? A lot of people act like talking about these things are taboo and horrifying, but it's better to have this stuff sorted with her input, so you know it's all to her liking.

My parents told us to write 'will lists', and ended up giving us most of the stuff (the camel stools, the horned bull-head key ring holder, the church key) long before my dad died. They didn't care about most of the stuff, and were happy to give it to us when it meant so much.

I guess - try not to wallow in the inevitability of a life ending, and instead revel in the life as it is right now. Enjoy it, help her to enjoy it, make a ton of memories, ask her questions about her childhood, her Aunt you've never met, where her family came from. Take pictures every day, buy her silly cards or a frivolous scarf, just *enjoy* her, and let her enjoy her family/you. That's all you can do.

Hope this was even remotely helpful.
*hugs if you want 'em*

Thank you. *hugs back*

NAYRT but unfortunately dealing with the same kind of thing, so thank you.

You're welcome. I can only say what worked for us, though - my family's a little odd.

Oh, you're making me tear up, bb. This is very good advice. *hugs*

Thanks, bb.
*hugs back*

Dull your pain with alcohol and narcotics. That is the only thing that worked for me.

Yep. Stayed drunk for a month after mom's funeral. It was nice. Helped me absorb the pain more slowly, rather than hitting it all at once and shattering.

Tabaqui's response is beautiful and I wouldn't change a thing.

I would add though - talk to your froends about it. Let them know what's happening. Give yourself time to do social things away from your mother and don't feel guilty about it. It's not good for either of you (or your immediate family if they're around) to only have each other as emotional supports.

Yes, this! You have to step back and live your *own* life sometimes, too, or it'll just overwhelm you.

I'm so sorry, anon. This might be a good place to start:

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/supportprogramsservices/index

As, uh, well-intentioned as the whole "dull your pain with booze and drugs" advice was, I wouldn't, personally. It'll numb things temporarily, I bet, but in the end you'll have two problems: your mother's health, and your own damaged ability to care for herself and you.

Agree that now is the time to start getting affairs in order: will, funeral arrangements, etc. It does seem morbid, but a lot of people feel better planning this stuff out because at least it won't be a burden for their loved ones. You may want to consult a lawyer to help you make the arrangements and ask for advice on how to handle finances. I assume you are not a minor? If you are, that will complicate things and you definitely need legal advice then.

Rally a support network. Whatever family and friends are available, for both your mother and yourself. In times of illness like this, sometimes people just vanish. They can't cut it as a support, or they want to help but don't know what to do and then feel so bad about not being there that they awkwardly withdraw from your life. Sometimes people work best if you can give them specific things to do:

* run small errands like filling prescriptions, getting groceries, etc.
* sit with your mother for an hour or two so you can get some time to yourself-- VERY important, anon. It's not selfish to take care of yourself to make sure you get through this.
* convenient meals, stuff that can be frozen and heated when necessary, take out, pizza gift certificates, etc.
* people to talk to, or people to just go and be with sometimes when you don't feel like talking. Maybe there'll be a time when you need a friend to come and take a walk with you in the woods to clear your head.
* bucket list - this is very individual, but if there are some things your mother would like to do that you can do together, make a list and start ticking things off. Make memories you'll treasure.
* ask your mother to write down her life story and as much of your family history as she can remember, for whenever you want to read it. Maybe she can write letters to future you. Ditto photos/video.

I am so, so sorry, anon. Please keep us updated on FS.

I'm sorry, anon - my own dad is being treated for cancer currently (for the third time) and it's so disheartening. The idea of being an orphan, even when you're an adult, just seems so terrible to me and it's hardly something people talk about. All I can offer is internet hugs and I wish you and yours strength in these difficult times.

Don't stay away from her and pretend it's not that bad because you can't face her dying. Stay with her, be a comfort to her. When you think about it years later, you'll be able to sleep at night and look yourself in the mirror instead of dying by degrees for being such a coward.

[ SECRET POST #2866 ]

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Re: How to deal with the death of a parent TW: death