[ SECRET POST #2896 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2896 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 052 secrets from Secret Submission Post #414.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Should you ignore the bad parts of people/things?

[(Anonymous)]

It's really a personal decision, weighing the pros and cons of what you get out of this friendship compared to what it takes from you. Jack sounds a little toxic, tbh. It's one thing for friends to disagree and fight about things, but the fact that it happens regularly AND you feel like it might be enough to walk away is a red flag. Another red flag that you've already picked up on: the fact that you feel the need to explain, rationalize or flat out lie about the friendship. A friend whose behavior requires you to make lots of excuses for why he's supposedly not a jerk is not a very good friend.

Does Jack apologize for acting like a dick? Does he try to rectify his behavior? When you spend a lot of time in his company, do you come away feeling emotionally drained, or content? If he doesn't change and keeps on behaving like this, can you see yourself being friends AND being happy about it in five years? Ten years? If Jack suddenly stopped coming around and you just lost touch with him with no bad feelings, how would you feel, sad or relieved?

Human beings are strongly programmed not to let go of friends and relationships even when maybe we should. It doesn't always make sense. Sometimes we need to cut out losses and find better friends. I mean, think about it... how would you like to have a friend whose like Jack, but without being a shit-stirring, sexist homophobe? It's entirely possible, you know. You're not chained to this guy, even though society conditions us to feel guilty about not sticking around in toxic relationships.

Just remember that you're not obligated to be friends with people who act like dicks and nobody has to be 100% dick in order for you to drop them like a hot potato. Life is short, anon. But it's a lot happier when you have good friends.

Re: Should you ignore the bad parts of people/things?

[(Anonymous)]

Basically everything that you've said. Also the fact that OP's dad thinks Jack is a jerk and questions the friendship is another indicator.

I used to have a group of friends I hung out with in school. Most of them were guys, of the 4chan-anime-videogames variety. And most of them were pretty good guys, fun to hang out with. At least in the early days. They did introduce me to a lot of classic anime.

But over time their views became more and more aggressive, to the point where I felt uncomfortable hanging out with them. They used to make a lot of sexist jokes. (One of them in particular really turned into a classic "all women are bitches and whores why won't people date me" sort of person. He used to be chill; it was sad to see.) Most times I would find myself hanging out at whoever's house it was, sitting there bored while the guys talked videogames.

They would sometimes make fun of me for being a feminist and having a different viewpoint. I was often afraid to say anything. Instead of listening to me, they dismissed my concerns and feelings. They were 'just joking'. They were talking about /other/ girls, not me. But I'd still wonder: Do they think these things about /me/, too?

That's not what friendship looks like.

Eventually I decided we didn't have a lot in common any more, so I stopped hanging out with them.

Re: Should you ignore the bad parts of people/things?

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, that's something to pay attention to. OP, if you're close with your father and you respect his judgement, then I think it's a good idea to consider his perspective. Most people don't have that tough of a time justifying the friendships they have because if you're a good friend to someone, you show it in your words and actions.

Anon, I think you were right to leave that group, too. To me, this is why it's almost impossible to remain friends with people who think like this, it feels like they're including you in the "all women are bitches and whores" talk, or you're their magical exception ("not like other girls") which is almost as bad. It demonstrates an inability to see people for who they are rather than their gender/stereotype, and people like that don't make great friends.