fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2959 ]

[ SECRET POST #2959 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2959 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Better early than late!

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

My sister has a history of shutting me down if I tell her that she's hurt me in anyway (politely and calmly I might add). She stops responding to messages and will only talk to me in the blandest most generic terms. She won't tell me why she does this, or what the problem is.

Anyway, after holding my silence for many years and just pretending everything was fine regardless of how she behaved, a few months ago she hurt me badly with her actions (long, complicated, involving me being in hospital). This time I couldn't sit on it, so I messaged her and calmly explained I was upset and why.

I haven't heard from her since. I don't expect to unless I apologise and retract my statement.

So now I have to choose between cutting my sister out of my life or being her doormat for the rest of my life. It's cutting me up in ways I can't describe. God help me, I love her any way and just want her to talk to me about why she shuts me down like this.

Sounds like you've found a great way to chase off somebody who brings you a net gay of pain. Sometimes that separation hurts. Sometimes it's still the best option.

She can't be part of your life in any meaningful way without being a bitch? Tell her the terms (and I'd put an apology on as a requirement) and breathe a sigh of relief as she likely disappears. It's her loss more then yours.

Net gay of pain?

--Rogan

Gain. SHUT UP YOU.

Thanks for the advice, noodly. I wish it felt that simple. I was going that way, until a close friend pointed out that maybe it's to do with our childhood (short version: we had to be more mature than our parents, I was the buffer between the worst of their issues and her (I'm older), I had a brush with death a while back and so my friend thinks she's just scared and cannot deal with me not being okay in any form).

To be honest, your advice is probably the best course of action, and maybe it will end up being the course I'll take. :( I honestly can't seem to reach her, and if that doesn't change I see no other way to go.

Enh, we've had to axe ALL family, except our younger brother (who actually came and apologized years after I cut him off, thus regaining a relationship) and our granny. It sucks, but it is indeed survivable.

You obviously can't keep going as you are, so you're pretty much relegated to axing for good, or having a tea party relationship, where you never discuss anything of importance and keep everything superficial.

I admit, I've never really managed the tea party relationship, but apparently it works for some people. Just throwing another option your way, anon.

--Rogan

Damn. I'm so sorry you had to do that, Rogan. :(

The whole thing is ridiculous. I just can't understand what I've done, or what's wrong? Starting to feel as if I'm being unreasonable and entitled, wanting her to at least care that she's hurt me. Is it unreasonable and entitled? I don't even know anymore.

Anyway, yeah I have to say the tea party idea might work for some but it sounds like hell to me. :/ I thank you for the suggestion though.

See, when you start having that kind of confusion and disorientation, it's time to go. Doesn't matter whose fault it is, that is just an untenable situation. It's not unreasonable or entitled to want some communication; it is a natural part of relationships.

And yeah, I could never do the tea party thing myself. It's just too exhausting.

Good luck, Anon.

--Rogan

I'm going to go against the grain here and wonder if you're choosing your battles at all, or bringing up every little grievance to your sister. I don't think it's a mystery why your sister might try to shut you down. Dealing with someone else's issues about being hurt (valid or invalid, doesn't matter) is emotionally draining and fraught with tension. Some people just don't want to deal, especially if they're not sure what you want from them. What DO you want from your sister? Have you told her what you want in succinct terms? If you haven't, then all she's getting a big ol' Wall of Text for all her perceived wrongdoings. Nobody enjoys that.

The problem here is that people in this thread cannot really tell if you're calling your sister out on legit issues or if you're the kind of person who sits people down and says something like, "You know the other day when you had an egg salad sandwich, it really hurt me because you know how I feel about battery farms and the cruelty of non-free range eggs" and then sitting back expecting the other person to beg for forgiveness.

I'm not saying you're that person, mind you. I'm just saying that we don't know what your issues with her are, so it's premature to side with you automatically. That said, maybe it's for the best you're not close.

I appreciate that you're playing devil's advocate here, but it seems unnecessary. No, I'm not the person. Hence why I held my silence and lived by her rules until she did something I could no longer overlook. I then sent her a concise but clear message about my issue.

However, I thought it was obvious from my original post that that was what happened. To be quite honest, you seem to be reaching with your comment.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2959 ]

Re: Complaining thread

It hurts, but this isn't a problem.

Re: It hurts, but this isn't a problem.

Re: It hurts, but this isn't a problem.

Re: It hurts, but this isn't a problem.

Re: Complaining thread

Re: Complaining thread

Re: Complaining thread

Re: Complaining thread

Re: Complaining thread