fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2960 ]

[ SECRET POST #2960 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2960 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Better early than late!

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The bisexual talk upthread is making me sad. I feel like I've said this over and over, but I can't expect everyone who may read this to remember, so background: I am bisexual and homoromantic. When sex is the main thing, I call myself bi, and when the subject is more about who I would actually day, I just say I'm gay because it's easier. But that fuzzy, starry-eyed romantic attraction that I've felt for various women has just never happened with a guy and I have a hard time imagining it happening at this point.

I'm in a relationship with a girl who is fully bisexual and, even though this is something that is complained about all the time, I can't help these nagging fears that she could decide that being openly queer just isn't worth it and decide to limit herself to any men she finds herself attracted to. She's been putting off telling her parents about me until some unspecified time in the future when it will be less likely to completely destroy her life, and I can't help thinking why should she put herself through that when she could be just as happy with a guy and not have to deal with any of it? I didn't want to deal with it before I decided that falling in love with a man just wasn't going to happen. It has nothing to do with stereotypes about greediness or whatever (which is something I've dealt with too; I'm in this awkward position where I've been shit on from both sides), it's just a "fuck society" thing, and I realize that this is completely on me and I have to deal with it. But it's worse because I feel like there's nowhere I can confess to this without being seen as a bisexual-hating lesbian, even though I'm not a lesbian. Plus it just adds to this feeling that I'm just dragging her down. Even if I was a guy, I would not be someone any girl's parents would be happy with. She's spending all her time studying for the bar exam and preparing to move on to the next part of her life and I'm mostly useless.

I don't know what to say about the rest, but please try not to worry about being "useless." You're not useless, no matter what. There's something about you that's good and awesome and full of purpose.

I'm the main breadwinner in my household because my partner has health problems and didn't finish college, so her job prospects aren't very good. Some people might see that as being useless, and even my parents said they weren't "impressed" with her, but she's NOT at all! She's loving and kind, she's talented, she's a wonderful partner. I feel so lucky to have her in my life, no matter what. And I bet your girlfriend feels lucky to have you.

Thanks.

I am right there with you when it comes to other people but I can never completely convince myself when it comes to defending myself.

That's a lovely thing to say about your partner. She's lucky to have someone who so obviously thinks the world of her.

Love isn't based on how useful someone is. It just is. She's with you because she wants to be. Live in the present. There's no guarantees about how long your relationship is going to last, or why it might not. You just have to trust that she's with you because she wants to be.

But if this is really messing with you, maybe you can bring it up with her? Talk a little? Don't let it build up in your head until you make a problem that didn't exist to begin with.

I'm usually a big advocate of talking things out before they turn into big problems, but she's under so much stress right now and I really don't want to add to it over something that I just need to get over. It would just make her worry about what she's done wrong and the answer to that is "nothing".

Edited 2015-02-11 02:56 (UTC)

You know, you're a good girlfriend, you really are. To put her wellbeing above your own like this instead of getting her to make you feel better...not a lot of others would do the same. You're worth the trouble, and I will bet you the Powerball up for grabs tomorrow that she knows it too.

Well, I "deal with it" even when I don't have to. I came out to my mom as bi while I was in a relationship with a guy. It didn't go well at all but I don't regret it. I never let anyone think I'm straight while I'm dating guys. Why? Because being bi is important to me. And when I'm dating women, I most certainly don't think "nah, this is too hard, I'm just gonna dump her for a guy and pass as straight."

Your girlfriend loves *you* - she doesn't want to trade you for a generic guy and an easier life. It seems you're having confidence issues, so I can see why you'd assume she doesn't value you like that. I'm sure she wishes she could be with you and not have to deal with homophobia, of course.

Hey, I'm bi, hubby's gay, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. (And I'm WAY more interested in girls than guys, most of the time. Thought I was straight till I met him.)

Might be worth talking this over with her when her exam is over or she's got some free time. I know I wouldn't want that feeling in my head... or my husband's.

--Mac

To both you and the anon above, I guess this really goes back to how I'm always worried that I like people more than they like me. It actually caused a bit of a problem in the very beginning and I ended up making her feel like she wasn't doing enough to show that she cares even though it was just me being irrational, which is why I'm pretty sure I know how it would go if we talked about this again. I think it's just the big changes coming up that are bringing it all up again.

Same anon as above.

Yeah, you sound a little like my boyfriend with his confidence issues. So let me tell you this: if your girlfriend was a lesbian, if she was out to her parents, if you were in a different spot in your life - as long as your self-confidence is down, you would be finding other justifications for your anxiety, for your fear that she does not love you enough. It sounds like you're aware of it, though, so I can only wish you luck not getting lost in your head with this *hugs*

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[ SECRET POST #2960 ]

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