fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2960 ]

[ SECRET POST #2960 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2960 ⌋

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Better early than late!

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Any concerns related to relationships (or lack thereof) are welcome. Let it out.

The bisexual talk upthread is making me sad. I feel like I've said this over and over, but I can't expect everyone who may read this to remember, so background: I am bisexual and homoromantic. When sex is the main thing, I call myself bi, and when the subject is more about who I would actually day, I just say I'm gay because it's easier. But that fuzzy, starry-eyed romantic attraction that I've felt for various women has just never happened with a guy and I have a hard time imagining it happening at this point.

I'm in a relationship with a girl who is fully bisexual and, even though this is something that is complained about all the time, I can't help these nagging fears that she could decide that being openly queer just isn't worth it and decide to limit herself to any men she finds herself attracted to. She's been putting off telling her parents about me until some unspecified time in the future when it will be less likely to completely destroy her life, and I can't help thinking why should she put herself through that when she could be just as happy with a guy and not have to deal with any of it? I didn't want to deal with it before I decided that falling in love with a man just wasn't going to happen. It has nothing to do with stereotypes about greediness or whatever (which is something I've dealt with too; I'm in this awkward position where I've been shit on from both sides), it's just a "fuck society" thing, and I realize that this is completely on me and I have to deal with it. But it's worse because I feel like there's nowhere I can confess to this without being seen as a bisexual-hating lesbian, even though I'm not a lesbian. Plus it just adds to this feeling that I'm just dragging her down. Even if I was a guy, I would not be someone any girl's parents would be happy with. She's spending all her time studying for the bar exam and preparing to move on to the next part of her life and I'm mostly useless.

I don't know what to say about the rest, but please try not to worry about being "useless." You're not useless, no matter what. There's something about you that's good and awesome and full of purpose.

I'm the main breadwinner in my household because my partner has health problems and didn't finish college, so her job prospects aren't very good. Some people might see that as being useless, and even my parents said they weren't "impressed" with her, but she's NOT at all! She's loving and kind, she's talented, she's a wonderful partner. I feel so lucky to have her in my life, no matter what. And I bet your girlfriend feels lucky to have you.

Thanks.

I am right there with you when it comes to other people but I can never completely convince myself when it comes to defending myself.

That's a lovely thing to say about your partner. She's lucky to have someone who so obviously thinks the world of her.

Love isn't based on how useful someone is. It just is. She's with you because she wants to be. Live in the present. There's no guarantees about how long your relationship is going to last, or why it might not. You just have to trust that she's with you because she wants to be.

But if this is really messing with you, maybe you can bring it up with her? Talk a little? Don't let it build up in your head until you make a problem that didn't exist to begin with.

I'm usually a big advocate of talking things out before they turn into big problems, but she's under so much stress right now and I really don't want to add to it over something that I just need to get over. It would just make her worry about what she's done wrong and the answer to that is "nothing".

Edited 2015-02-11 02:56 (UTC)

You know, you're a good girlfriend, you really are. To put her wellbeing above your own like this instead of getting her to make you feel better...not a lot of others would do the same. You're worth the trouble, and I will bet you the Powerball up for grabs tomorrow that she knows it too.

Well, I "deal with it" even when I don't have to. I came out to my mom as bi while I was in a relationship with a guy. It didn't go well at all but I don't regret it. I never let anyone think I'm straight while I'm dating guys. Why? Because being bi is important to me. And when I'm dating women, I most certainly don't think "nah, this is too hard, I'm just gonna dump her for a guy and pass as straight."

Your girlfriend loves *you* - she doesn't want to trade you for a generic guy and an easier life. It seems you're having confidence issues, so I can see why you'd assume she doesn't value you like that. I'm sure she wishes she could be with you and not have to deal with homophobia, of course.

Hey, I'm bi, hubby's gay, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. (And I'm WAY more interested in girls than guys, most of the time. Thought I was straight till I met him.)

Might be worth talking this over with her when her exam is over or she's got some free time. I know I wouldn't want that feeling in my head... or my husband's.

--Mac

To both you and the anon above, I guess this really goes back to how I'm always worried that I like people more than they like me. It actually caused a bit of a problem in the very beginning and I ended up making her feel like she wasn't doing enough to show that she cares even though it was just me being irrational, which is why I'm pretty sure I know how it would go if we talked about this again. I think it's just the big changes coming up that are bringing it all up again.

Same anon as above.

Yeah, you sound a little like my boyfriend with his confidence issues. So let me tell you this: if your girlfriend was a lesbian, if she was out to her parents, if you were in a different spot in your life - as long as your self-confidence is down, you would be finding other justifications for your anxiety, for your fear that she does not love you enough. It sounds like you're aware of it, though, so I can only wish you luck not getting lost in your head with this *hugs*

My SO is having ED problems. He has an appointment next week, but right now it just really sucks. I like PIV sex more than anything else so it's been sexually frustrating for me, and it's also been frustrating for him as well as being a huge blow to his self-confidence. I'm sure the self-confidence is just making it worse, so I've been doing my best to build him up, but it's not helping too much atm.

It's just one of those things that kinda sucks.

Oh eesh, I misread this as your SO having EATING DISORDER problems. My mistake!

--Rogan

I'm so sorry you're going through this; hopefully nothing is seriously wrong with your SO and it's an easy fix.

My husband has issues with ED too, but it took almost three years of me begging him to get things checked for him to finally see a doctor about it, so I'm glad your SO already has his appointment made.

Feel free to vent more to me if you need to; nobody ever talks about this issue, and of course, men don't like hearing about that part of their anatomy being inadequate, but even if it's not on purpose, it still hurts and is very frustrating and...well, I might be projecting because I still have a ton of anger because of this. But yeah. Vent away, if you desire.
And I really do hope everything works out for you and the frustration is a very temporary set-back.

Yeah, it's tough on the ol' self-confidence, no lie. In my case it's related to antidepressants, which sucks because I don't want to stop taking those, I just... gah.

My SO has been having some serious issues regarding their self-confidence (or rather, lack thereof) and I've no idea how to help. I've tried to genuinely compliment them as much as I can, but I know this is an issue only they can really battle. They've told me before that it's not so much what other people think as it is what they think about themselves.

Ugh. My SO is depressed. I'm depressed. We're both really depressed. I'm just trying to ride out this wave with them, but we've both been so down in the dumps for several months now and it still doesn't look like we're close to feeling any better.

This hasn't really caused much of a strain on our relationship other than "Gaaaaah why can't I help them more?" general feeling. It's a very bleh feeling.

I am in a long distant relationship with this girl. She told me when we started dating that she wasn't really interested in sex, or at least wasn't in her past relationships. I told her I was cool with that. She is coming to visit me soon, and has told me she thinks she wants to try having sex while she's here. Initially I was excited about that but now that its almost here I'm freaked out as fuck by it. I've never been in a relationship before and I'm a virgin, so I'm freaked out in that regard, but I'm more freaked out that maybe she doesn't actually want sex with me and is just humoring me, or that she will try it and decides she hates it, and I think that would make me feel worse than if we never had it.

We haven't been dating that long but I quite like her and don't want this to get messed up? It doesn't help that my anxiety makes me over think absolutely everything.

Wait, what? Why on earth would SHE suggest the idea if she doesn't want to try it?

Sounds like your anxiety talking to you, anon.

It's no big deal. If she decides when she gets there that she's not up for it, then it won't happen. Or maybe she'll decide she IS up for it, and you'll both have a great time.

Either way - she's in a relationship with you because she wants to be with you. This is no indictment of you.

I don't know where to start honestly. My SO doesn't have the greatest connection to her family. And we were stuck living with them after we graduated. They're the type of people who pretend no problems exist, to the extent of lying about being aggravated by any issues. The only person in her family who has an ounce of honesty in addressing issues is her mom, but it still brings a lot of unresolved tension. Her father hates me and has constantly thrown barbed insults that her uncle made me aware of. All because I exist and in his opinion "spend all my time on Facebook". Her parents don't have the healthiest relationship either; her mom has fibromyalgia and gets in moods and will sometimes insult her father and he'll just scowl at her and say nothing. I mean, I've accepted that I will never be accepted by him, even though I pay my bills, work over fifty hours a week in a job that pays more than his daughter and relates to the major I graduated with, constantly cook and clean, and supported my SO when they were in depressive episodes. But whatever, I'm the guy who posts too much on Facebook once a week.

And she doesn't have the greatest relationship with her mother either. Her mom will try to address and issue, albeit in an aggravated tone, and she'll take it as her mother seeing her as worthless. It's gotten to the point where every time they have an argument she'll go to our room and start hitting a pillow out of frustration and shout about how stupid she is. And she's so smart and kind that it's hard seeing her like this, and I KNOW her mom doesn't think such bad things of her, but she keeps perceiving it that way.

Point is, living in this house has brought a lot of tension in our relationship. Both with the unwelcome attitude from her parents and how she's beginning to take it out on me and how it's my fault for something they're angry at. We're looking at places that are cheap enough for us to move out, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. She'll sometimes get so depressed that she'll talk about how we should take a break or end our relationship because of miniscule issues she kept bottled up inside instead of just telling me so we could resolve it at the time. Then a few days later she'll go back to being happy and seeing a future with me.

I'm almost worn out. Part of me wants to run from this, and another wants to get her some help and be by her side supporting her because I love her. And another fucked up, insecure part of me that I keep secret doesn't want to give things up with her because I'm afraid her dad is right and that I am worthless like he's been saying and that she will find someone better than me who makes her happier.

TL;DR - I'm fucked up. Other people around me are fucked up. And this is a fucked up situation.

That is fucked up and I'm sorry. I hope you two find better accommodations soon, but I think it's worth noting that even if you do, her family is still going to be an issue (just not as in your face) if you guys are in a long term relationship. Sounds like your GF could use some therapy to deal with her parental baggage, and you both maybe need to work on a mutually supportive game plan to deal with her parents while you're still under their roof.

guy im with rn doesnt wanna date bc im leaving town after i graduate and apparently if we date we'll get closer than we are now and thatll hurt him, he said. but he called me his gf earlier today so ??? idek

Don't try to analyze his "true" meaning behind the words, anon. He told you he doesn't want to date you. End of story. He might be interested in hooking up before you leave town, but if that's not what you want, dump his sorry ass and spend your remaining time wisely. Also, do not date chickenshit jerkwads who avoid commitment because they're "afraid of getting hurt", but they're not afraid to string you along for a bit.

A guy who likes you and wants to be with you will fucking act like it, not play headgames.

Aaah no I'm late for this thread. Well, I've been dating a guy for a few weeks now, but even though Valentine's day is this weekend, I'm still not sure if I actually have a date for it or not. He's been a little ambivalent lately. He says he wishes he could spend more time with me, but doesn't react well when I try to be affectionate, aside from sex. Granted he tends to make plans with me at the last minute, but I feel like I need to make back up plans for myself so I don't end up too disappointed. It's a weird place to be in.

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[ SECRET POST #2960 ]

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