[ SECRET POST #2987 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2987 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 068 secrets from Secret Submission Post #427.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What would you do if you were the legit child, but found out your bio parent had an illegit child, but (this is the key issue right here) the bio parent loved the illegit child so much more than you, the bio parent made your (legit) life absolutely hell on earth, because bio parent resented being separated from their other family. Bio parent then dies. Illegit child gets top billing in the obit. B/c you, the legit child, escaped ASAP and never looked back/had any contact with bio parent for decades. (Cf. hell on earth.)

In the meantime, the illegit child has given bio parent all the things bio parent ever dreamed you (the legit child) would do, but didn't. Which was why the bio parent constantly made you feel like a worthless piece of garbage, who could never measure up to some imaginary standard...which wasn't so imaginary, after all, it was the illegit kid.

What do, FS?

Talk to someone I trusted and / or my therapist about my feelings of pain and betrayal, I think.

(I'm so sorry if you went through that, anon, but I don't think there's anything practically you can do except try to work through it. I mean, it's not as though you did anything wrong.)

AYRT

Well, my initial reaction was blind, seething, rage. (Let's just say the...condolences...I left were not very consoling.) Which morphed into horrified dawning realization, as all the unjoined puzzle pieces of my life suddenly fit together perfectly, with a dry, cold, "Click."

(Bio parent actually introduced me to the homewrecker, when I was small, and I'm only realizing this now, some three decades later. Never did get introduced to the bastard...bio parent probably realized I would have clued in, b/c I found the homewrecker "weird" and likely would have thought more than twice about the 1/2 sibling.)

Now that I'm past the seething rage, I have entered the Zen-like state of calculated anger. (This state has always served me well in the past.) The funeral, owing to weather, is going to take place in the spring. (Which I only saw after I managed to rationally read through the rest of the obit.)

The other bio parent has basically flipped out, b/c they had no idea it was *this* bad (neither did I), but is making noises that I should have superiority, b/c I am the legit child. Which, on the other hand, bio parent who strayed was a piece of work, and if the illegit wants to claim that manipulative, deceitful, soul-destroying psychopath as their parent, they're more than welcome to it.

I have no idea what, if any, legal ramifications there are or may be, to this. Which is my quandary. Doubtless bio parent died destitute (I assume bio parent ended up with/in their mother's house), due to being involved in all kinds of sketch dealings, always. (Looks like the illegit apple did not fall far from that tree, either.)

Should I go to the funeral, FS? Originally I was planning to go, just to dance on the grave. Now I want to spit in the urn.... (And hello, seething rage, again.) All this time, I thought bio parent resented me just because I'm disabled (at least I'm only disabled -- the illegit kid is ugly as the sin that produced them, hah), but turns out, it's b/c I'm disabled AND their "perfect child" (the bastard) was not.

If it's an option, consult with a lawyer if showing up to the funeral would hurt or benefit you re: heritance and if they could look into bioparent's possible debts/assets?

Lawyers are not an option. Bio parent and I did the duelling lawyers thing about nine years ago. It ended partially in my favour. The deal was, no more contact, as I'd reported bio parent for being a fraud, and bio parent slapped me with a C&D for doing so. AND I was never to say anything defamatory about bio parent to anyone, ever again, or bio parent's lawyer would take me to the cleaners.

So it's not defamatory if it's true. Bio parent had an illegitimate child that is, like, mere MONTHS older than I am. Bio parent is now dead, although I've no idea what the current spouse's litigious sentiments are....The current spouse, by the way, is yet ANOTHER person bio parent screwed around with. When they were married to MY other bio parent. This person is a couple of years YOUNGER than I am, reportedly. (Which would also make the current spouse younger than the bastard.)

...I really wish I was making this up...

Again, I strongly, strongly encourage you to talk to someone you trust IRL about this and vent a little.

Re: the funeral, my instinct would be to go, if only because it's something that's only ever going to happen once. I don't think it can hurt, in terms of trying to find closure one way or another. But it's obviously a question of how well you feel you can handle it.

AYRT

So, here's the thing. Thanks to the sucky life I had with bio parent, and the fact that after I left, I had to basically scratch my way up from the beginning, I've moved around. A LOT. I'm not on good/trusting terms with either side of the family, for various reasons. My church is...complicated...right now, so, no assistance there. IOW, I have no one (as in, literally not one single, solitary person) I would trust IRL to discuss this with, right now.

I don't "do" funerals, as a rule. But I always said I'd do this one, just to dance on the grave. Unfortunately, it looks like the psychopath had one last "F. U. bio kid!" up their sleeve, and they played it. Even on their deathbed. (Which should tell you something.)

So, I bring my battered soul to you, FS. I'm usually here every day, anyway, even if I am one of the legion of anonymi.

NAYRT.

I think you should do whatever you need to do that will bring you closure. From the sounds of it, I don't think attending the funeral will do that for you. I think that you want some acknowledgement of how you were treated, and from the info you've laid out here, I'm not so sure that you'll get that at the funeral.

You don't have to go. You don't owe anyone anything, there's no obligation to attend.

Think about what you need, and then do what will help you.

OP

Yeah. You're right. I mean, I still want to dance on the grave. But, higher roads, &c...I'm honestly not even sure what could resolve the issue right now (if anything even could), because I'm still getting over the shock of it all. So I have no idea what would constitute closure, if I even want closure, if I even need closure. One thing I do know, beyond doubt, I can't make any decisions right now, because I'm still at "nuke it from orbit and salt the earth just to be sure" levels of rage right now....

One thing I do know, beyond doubt, I can't make any decisions right now, because I'm still at "nuke it from orbit and salt the earth just to be sure" levels of rage right now....

You know what, though? That is a fabulous first step. Be angry, because you've a right to be angry. But don't make decisions in haste; make a decision when you're ready to.

I'll keep my fingers crossed and send good vibes to you. It's obviously raw and painful right now, but I hope you can work everything out and get to a better place. They always say that living well is the best revenge. :)

you could wait until the funeral is over and they leave, and then do your dance when no one is watching? if it's not against the law, I mean

Legal ramifications for what, exactly? Are you in a country where an obit is anything more than a death announcement/look at deceased's life/time of funeral and where your name is on the obit actually means something?

Otherwise, I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain over this slight, beyond being mad that the guy you'd cut out of your life didn't put your name first in his list of survivors.

From my standpoint, this legit/illegit child hangup you have...look, I get why it's upsetting on a base level, but this isn't a guy that ties were cut with. For the other person they weren't. Hate them for it all you want on the way to letting your rage go, but you need to let the rage go. And I wouldn't go to the funeral if it were just to dance on the grave, metaphorically or otherwise. It won't score you any favor and is cruel to the people who cared for him, which is who a funeral is for.

Let it go? If the bio parent is dead plus the legit child seems to have cut all ties with bio parent, what is the issue? Just continue the status quo.

Mourn for the life that never was, be glad you escaped a terrible, terrible parent.

+1

This will take a long time to work through, and your anger is completely justified. But being angry is not fun, and becoming bitter will eat at your soul.

Yell, seethe, write, punch punching bags, make art--do whatever helps you validate yourself and this tremendous hurt. But also soothe yourself, speak to a kind listener (therapist, friend, both), and set yourself on a path that can eventually lead to healing and forgiveness.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It was this parent's fault that you suffered so much. Best of luck and love from this anon.

OP

Thanks. I was hoping it would be a short-term thing I could just bull my way through (like I do with most sucky things). I only found all of this out today, so I'm kind of catching waves at the moment. I'll be OK, then another wave of anger will strike, then I'll be OK again. Rinse, lather, repeat. But, yeah, I have to look long-term, at what has happened, and what will happen. And what SHOULD happen.

...I have no idea what the other bio parent is thinking right now. They stayed a long, long, long, time, and I said for years we should try and make a prison break. Looks like the reason the bio parent made our lives such a prison was because they hated us so much for not being the other family. Even though we were the lawful, legal, family. BECAUSE we were the lawful, legal family, the bio parent hated us.

That just sucks, you know?

Nothing to do really?

My dad has another kid (he thinks I don't know about) and I think all she gets is money.
Our relationship has always been shit, and he's always had impossible standards, even before she was born.

Parents are sometimes dicks. I'm sorry yours died, it must be hard to know you'll never have a chance at a better relationship with them, and it's hard to be angry at the dead.

All you can do is try to focus on your relationships with the people who don't hold you to impossible standards, and be kind to yourself.

Okay, so this is interesting. Are you trying to argue that the "illegit child" didn't deserve their parent's love? Because it sounds like you're straying pretty close to that.

This situation is awful but please remember "illegit child" is also a person as real as you.

So much of this.

I'd try to find a good therapist. You probably already know that your bio parent treated you horribly with no justification, but that doesn't mean it won't mess you up if you don't deal with it properly. If I were you and assuming my half-sibling wasn't an asshole, I'd get in touch with them.

da

alternatively, the latest, younger-than-op wife might also not be a bad person (if she was also screwed over and not resentful with op, she might find a consolation in op and op in her)?

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice already. Since you've mentioned that you don't really have a IRL support network, is therapy/counseling an option? I don't know where you are, but if your insurance doesn't cover it / you can't afford it, you may look into options through your local mental health community, because there are usually reduced rates/sometimes free for abuse survivors. (Which, from what you've said of how your bio-parent treated you, I think definitely fits.) If you need help with looking this information up and are okay with mentioning what area you live in, I can poke around online (a lot of times this info is... not easy to dig up).

If that's not an option, then I'd suggest considering online support groups. From what you've said of your bio-parent, the Reddit community Raised By Narcissists may be useful to you; some of what you've said here sounds to me like it could very easily be narcissism (at least as a factor), and while I hate Reddit as a general rule, that community is pretty good, and at the least, some of the sidebar links are worth reading. There's a lot of other communities and support groups out there, as well. At least for myself, I've found that having a support network with other abuse survivors is crucial, because people who haven't had those experiences often don't understand and the advice they give is often well-meant, but is often completely non-applicable to the situation.

Overall, I think my concern is that while what you'r asking for help with is a temporary situation, it sounds like there are probably a lot of deeper issues, and being able to talk about them with other people who have had similar experiences may help. *hugs offered*

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2987 ]

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