fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2988 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2988 ⌋

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Yesterday's thread got me curious. Any stories, advice or reassurance for someone faced with jail or a family member in jail?

OP of that thread: How are things today?

well, he is still in jail. And family has been vaguely pressuring me.

To clarify some stuff that was said yesterday.
-He is 19 and this is his first jailing (and arrest)
-It will be local county jail
-Only two of my family members are financially reponsible. Myself and my sister. My sister has no money saved because of medical bills. As I said in yesterday's thread. Growing up, older family members (including parent) would need to borrow money from me. Even though I was like 13 with no job. I would still have more money because I always saved all my birthday money and such.
+This is really one of the reasons I moved so far away from home. My whole
hometown just felt really toxic. I don't really understnad how my family back home is able to live considering they never seem to have jobs
-He has no political aspirations :P

I think those were most the questions? I honestly don't know what I can do to help him. All my knowledge comes from tv. Should I send him cigarettes to trade for things???

Oh anon. I have no advice to offer about the prison sentence, but your money is your money. You might need it yourself for medical bills next week; life is just that uncertain. Your brother is an adult, so are your parents. You can't do their growing up for them.

Can you put it in a term deposit (that what they call them in my country) so you can't access it for a set period of time? Most term deposits will allow access for genuine emergencies - which would not include getting a feckless brother out of a jail sentence he could easily have avoided.

If there's fallout you'll feel like crap. You'll also feel like crap if they use you like a cash cow - and they'll continue to do so.

Good luck, anon. Usual mantra: hugs if you want 'em.

I have it in a savings account and have been really good about not using it. Like, in the 3~ years I have had it, I only pulled out money once. Tho, I would like to find something to put it in to earn extra interest.

Thanks for the hugs! It does make you feel crappy either way you go.

Anon from below.

Don't just randomly send him cigarettes. Ask him what he needs, see if the jail has any restrictions or guidelines, and send what you feel comfortable sending. He might beg you to get him out, but it doesn't sound like you should. You won't have a safety net and he won't learn anything.

Right now I am trying to figure out where the hell he is. My family is being very slow with replies. if he is in the local county jail, there are no restrictions on what I can send (within reason).

If you look up the name of the jail, they might have visitor's info and guidelines posted. Otherwise, I think it's your decision whether or not to bail him out. If he's got a bad habit of being careless and expecting other people to fix his messes, then that won't change no matter how much money you loan him. If this is one uncharacteristic mistake, then maybe.

As for your other relatives, you can suggest they pursue a part time job if they're so keen on helping him out.

It is...uncharacteristic for him. Not for our family. I've offered before to get him moved to where I am. Just out of that whole fucking city. But he refuses (just like my other two sisters who are in that hellhole).

Hah. that'll be the day!

My sympathies to your brother, then. I can't wrap my head around the whole landing in jail because he forgot a court date thing, that's just... like how does he function if the prospect of jailtime isn't enough of a reminder. I hope he gets through his time all right and it's a gentle wake up call that he needs to get his priorities straight.

Haha, yeah, I know your relatives won't do it, but it might shut them up for a second to be faced with their own hypocrisy. I can't stand it when other people try to tell me what I "need" to spend my money on when they're clearly not going to spend a single dime on this worthy cause themselves.

My local adult detention center actually has a website where you can log on and send detendees (is that the right word?) gifts from the commissary. Like one is a hygiene pack, with comb, toothbrush, shampoo, etc. One has mostly breakfast food, one mostly snacks. So anyway, the place your bro is at might have something similar.

The local county jail doesn't have that. but maybe he'll be in a bigger one? asking my family about it and waiting on a reply.

Yes, and it was exactly what I needed. I was a boy who thought I was a man, and ended up stealing a lot of stuff. My view was that I wanted what I wanted, and didn't care that my actions hurt other people. I just went on like they could afford to replace whatever I took, not thinking about how maybe they couldn't or that I was taking more than things, but also a sense of safety.

Being incarcerated was my light switch moment. It was where I realized how many chances I'd been given and thrown away and just where my life was headed if I didn't change.

My advice to someone facing jail time would be to keep your head down, but if a fight comes looking for you, don't run from it. Defend yourself. And if you're lucky enough to be in a prison or jail that has good counseling and programs to help better yourself and make the transition from being an inmate to being released, take advantage of those opportunities.

My advice to someone with a loved one going to jail: Stay in touch. Visit if you can. Write if you can't. Getting mail, even if it's just a few paragraphs on a raggedy piece of notebook paper helps. And it's okay to be disappointed in them, but don't treat them like a failure who's life may as well be over now.

Wow. Good for you anon. Seriously -- that is one of the most wonderful outlooks I've ever seen. I hope you're doing well.

Thanks, and doing OK.

I have visited prisons, but never personally been in one. Also all my experience is with Norwegian prisons, so I don't think my advice will be of any help for anyone. Oh except I know the boredom for a lack of a better word gets to you, so books are always a great help. Also getting in touch any way you can will help, letters, cards, visits and/or phone calls helps a lot.

One of my uncles spends so much time in there that most conversations about him go "when is he going in again" or "when is he getting out this time?", another one of my uncles have spent time in prison, so has my mother and one of my aunts.

In my aunts case it sparked one of the greatest stories on earth, and she is also the only one who didn't actually do anything wrong to end up in prison.

Edited 2015-03-11 00:35 (UTC)

"In my aunts case it sparked one of the greatest stories on earth, and she is also the only one who didn't actually do anything wrong to end up in prison."

... you going to leave us hanging? ;)

[ SECRET POST #2988 ]

Ever been in jail?

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