fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2992 ]

[ SECRET POST #2992 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2992 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Grand Theft Auto 5]

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03.

[Zipang]

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04.

[Ricky Gervais]

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05.

[Tokyo Babylon/X1999]

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06.

[Dexter]

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07.

[The Mentalist]

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08.

[The Truth - Terry Pratchett]

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09.

[It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]

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10.

[Douglas Adams]

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11.

[Black Books]

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12.

[Lucky Star]

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13.

[Edward Petherbridge as Lord Peter Wimsey]

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14.

[Ga-In, Brown Eyed Girls]

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15.

[Oz the Great and Powerful]

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16.

[Colin Baker]

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17.

[9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors]

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18.

[Yatterman Night]

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19.

[Johnny the Homicidal Maniac]

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20.

[Blake's 7]

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21.

[Game Grumps]

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22.

[Alexis Denisof]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 07 pages, 170 secrets from Secret Submission Post #428.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So, let's say you have a group of friends. They're pretty geeky and pretty loud about their geekiness. You make a new friend. She's not very geek-friendly and even is dimissive and geeky stuff and of you when you talk about it, calling your hobbies 'inmature' and stupid'.

You know the new friend is kind of lonely and wants to be invited to your hang outs with your geeky friends, but you suspect that it would end up with everyone either offended or angry at each other. What do you do?

Tell new friend your older friends are geeks and don't want to be told they are 'immature and stupid'. That you're happy to invite her to a (maybe not terribly geeky) thing like going out for pizza or something, but if she gets nasty or insulting, you won't invite her along again.

No reason to make your old friends feel bad just because someone you juts met is 'kind of lonely'.

Alternately, tell her to join a group that would do stuff she would enjoy, and don't worry about it anymore.

Invite her to hang, but make sure she knows that it is going to be with loud people and she might be bored there. Sometimes all it takes to make someone feel valid is the invite, even if they will turn it down or will be bored. Just being invited is a validation that they are a valued person.

Invite her along, but tell her that your friends are loud and geeky, and that they would not appreciate being called immature and stupid for it. Perhaps 'warn' your geeky friends before hand that this person is not particularily geeky and that they maybe could tone the geekiness down a bit* (but perhaps not tell them that she's dismissive of geeky interests, as that would automatically bring her in a sort of bad light, or so I would assume.)

As you are friends with her I would think that she's a nice person despite not sharing your and your friends's geeky interests.

*By this I mean not just talk about a fandom all night so that people who have no interest or knowledge of it would be completely left out of the conversation.

Hmmm I went through this in highschool. Friend didn't like to talk about geeky stuff, so whenever we where talking about it, she would just stay silent and stay away from the conversation, or talk to other friend about non-geeky stuff.

I think if you invite non-geeky friend to your hangouts, let her know that there might be geeky conversations going on. After that it's all up to her. She might even end up finding other non-geeky stuff in common with your friends.

She's not very geek-friendly and even is dimissive and geeky stuff and of you when you talk about it, calling your hobbies 'inmature' and stupid'.

Wait, why is she your friend again?

OP here.

Ehhh she keeps following me around and as she's prone to shouting at you and getting controlly and agressive if you piss her off I humor her.

...And that's your definition of "friend"?

Because that sounds more like "stalker" to me.

Yeah that's part of the problem.

I'm not sure how to explain the situation. Have you ever had a classmate who is new and friendless, so you try to be nice to her, and then she decides you are friends even though you don't like her that much, but you don't want to be a bitch? And then she makes friends with your other classmates so trying to get her to leave you alone becomes super awkward?

That's her.

If she's friends with several of your classmates why are you worried about her being lonely?

Also, I totally get this because I also tend to feel bad for people who seem lonely and want to reach out to them and then feel guilty if I find them unlikable, but remember that at the end of the day you aren't responsible for her loneliness and should not compromise your emotional health for her sake. Especially if it's evident that her having problems making friends is because she's manipulative, stalkerish, rude, or something else like that. People like that have to really want to change to change; otherwise, you can't help them - and if you don't know her very well how can you know if she wants to change?

Re: Friends wouldn't get along

(Anonymous) - 2015-03-14 23:43 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Friends wouldn't get along

caerbannog - 2015-03-15 01:31 (UTC) - Expand

Okay, this sounds like a real unpleasant situation. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation, but I don't think you should go out of your way to invite her to hang with your other friends, especially if you don't want to spend time with her in the first place. You said she had already made other friends? I know it sucks but you'll probably only be causing yourself (and maybe her, in the long run) more misery by acting like you enjoy her company.

...ok I was editing my comment because I realized it sounded kind of rude.

But honestly, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. o__O

Yes, I'm looking into a way to get her to leave me alone, but the way the situation has progressed has made it very hard to do it without hurting both my academic and my work career.

Re: Friends wouldn't get along

diet_poison - 2015-03-14 23:41 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Friends wouldn't get along

(Anonymous) - 2015-03-14 23:44 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Friends wouldn't get along

diet_poison - 2015-03-14 23:55 (UTC) - Expand

After reading this - don't invite her to your geek friend hangouts. It could make everyone miserable or at minimum, just you if she's the kind to rant about your friends behind their backs at you.

Frankly, I'm becoming of the opinion that people like this need to realise they don't have any friends because of their inappropriate behaviour (controlly, aggressive, shouting - none of these are appropriate behaviours)

If you're reluctant to just cut ties, or unable to due to physical proximity, maybe you can direct her to local meetup groups with people who do share her interests and go with her to those - with the intention of hooking her up with more ppl to hopefully be friends with.

Oh god. Cut her loose, OP. It might feel easier to humor her for the short term, but this will only buy you long term problems and you'll regret it. Try using these phrases:

"Do not shout at me."
"I will not be spoken to like that."
"If you're going to shout at me and say mean things, I am leaving."

AND THEN LEAVE. The more you hang out with her and let her be shouty and controlling, the more you're teaching her that it's okay to do those things to you.

I almost didn't comment, but...yea. My first thought was, "I'm not sure I would want to be close friends with someone who dismissed then insulted my hobbies."

Like, you don't have to share them, but if you can't mention your interests to a friend without getting told you have shit taste and are childish then your friend sounds pretty rude and disrespectful.

There are plenty of other things to talk about, but...IDK, I've been in that situation before where I got made fun of for my hobbies and it got old fast.

I wouldn't be surprised that she's lonely if she calls the things her friends care about "immature" and "stupid."

And then I'd get as far away from her as possible.

This. OP, she's lonely because she treats people badly. That's what happens when you treat people badly, you end up with no friends. It's sad, but it's also entirely her own responsibility.

Why be friends with someone who thinks your hobbies are "immature and stupid"?

Sounds like you would be better off just not being friends with this person.

I agree. I so agree.

So maybe the heading of this thread should have been 'asshole thinks we're friends and won't leave me alone, what the fuck do I do'.

I think this is one of those circumstances where you would be totally justified in saying something along the lines of: "Well, actually, those 'immature, stupid' hobbies you were talking about? Those are MY hobbies. I don't think we should hang out any more."

Don't invite someone you know is probably going to be rude to your friends to hang out with them.
If she just had different interests and was respectful of yours, I would say go for it, but that doesn't sound like the case.

I let a bitchy acquaintance invite herself to my house when my friends were over once, and it ended badly. I nearly lost one of my actual friends, who doesn't treat me like a doormat.

If you want to spend time with her, that's your decision, but if you invite someone into a group then you're vouching for them being at the very least pleasant company.

I just wanted to point out that this is pretty much exactly Geek Social Fallacy #4. http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html

Well, not really, since OP realizes those groups of friends would not get along. If they were saying they thought it would work then it would be.

Er... does this new friend have any redeeming qualities? Because she sounds unpleasant. If you're game to make this happen, I'd be pretty blunt with her and tell her that NOBODY enjoys being told their interests and hobbies are "immature" or "stupid". Regardless of what she personally thinks, telling people that is rude. I'd also be blunt with her that your other friends are geeks with geeky interests, and you're reluctant to invite her to your gatherings because so far, her attitude suggests she would not be a good fit.

I also wouldn't hang out with her if she's rude and dismissive about the things you enjoy. She doesn't have to agree or like what you like, but she should be civil.

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