fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3027 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3027 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is so stupid but it still makes me upset so whatever.

There was a post on r/creepyPMs the other day (I don't even know why I'm still reading comments there because the mods have made it into a weird hivemind) where in the exchange that was posted, the OP told the creeper he was against adoption because "most kids who are adopted wind up with issues." This is based on his own personal experience as an adopted person with issues.

Well that made me a little salty, because I'm adopted, and because I don't think there's evidence that MOST kids who are adopted wind up with issues, and to be against it altogether is ignorant. What the hell do we do with orphans, or kids born to mothers who can't or don't want to keep them? Should we force people with unwanted pregnancies to either abort or keep their kid?

Anyway, that pissed me off, but the thing that REALLY pissed me off is that it's against the rules of that sub to be anything but 100% supportive of the OP. You CANNOT call the OP out on ANYTHING they say. So there was no way for anyone to really object to OP taking that position. One person tried, and a few people agreed with them, but it was all deleted, with "didn't read the rules" put in as the deletion reason.

It's really, really bothering me, because like, what's the limit to that? Can the OP really say and do anything? The logic is it's supposed to be a "safe space," but fuck that. That's NOT really a "safe space," because the OP potentially gets to get away with insulting whole groups of people and people who go to that sub and are members of those groups don't get to say anything about it. Also, the whole idea of "safe space" meaning "no one can ever disagree with my words or actions" is fucking CHILDISH as all hell. You want to be coddled, and you wanna pretend like you're never wrong about anything and that because someone was bad to you, YOU can never be bad. Fuck that shit.

It just kinda hammered home how toxic a place that sub is.

Ew I feel ya.

Fiction Alley forums (a Harry Potter forum/archive) used to have "venting" and "can't stand" threads where it was against the rules to defend whatever was being vented about , because "this is a venting thread not a debate thread"

I think rules like that can be dangerous because making it against the rules to disagree is the fastest way to create an echo chamber.

That is a shitty attitude and a pretty narrow one. I would get pretty salty about that shit too, and I ain't even adopted.

I mean, bottom line, I'd say that the kids who don't get adopted are the ones who are likely to end up with more issues than the ones that do. And even so, it's not like those same potential issues are magically erased from the equation in the case of someone raising a child they are related to by blood.

But hey, maybe it's a sign to just get the hell out of dodge and never look back. If some internet community wants to be so insular that it starts to promote ignorant and negative stereotypes then it probably isn't a place to hang around too long, right?

Wow that makes me mad. :/

In direct reference to your post, that sounds awful that there is a place where people can say whatever they want and no one can discuss it at all.

On an only semi-related note, I have that attitude a bit. Everywhere I look I see so many people complaining about adoption. Either white people shouldn't adopt minorities because they don't have the right backgrounds/experience, or adoptees hating having been adopted/resentful of their adoptive parents, or posts/articles/discussions of that nature. I don't intend to have children, but I had considered adopting some. Likely older, harder-to-place children. But I see all of these things and it has totally turned me off to adoption. I don't want my potential child to hate and resent me and/or hate and resent that they were adopted. So instead I am going to give all of the attention to my nieces and nephews. I still wonder sometimes if I could have done well as an adoptive parent, but I'm just not taking the risk.

I don't know if you'll see this, but as an adopted person, I'm so forever grateful to my parents. I think a lot of it has to do with how open the parents are to their children, and how they treat them. My parents made it no secret that they adopted me, but they celebrated the fact. I had 'adoption day' following my birthday. Mom always gave me a card and baked me something special, letting me know how happy she was that I was her daughter. The older I got, it was less 'extra birthday' and more something that deeply touched me that they went to so much effort just to get me, and raise me. Especially with all of the trouble I was as a kid. We went through so many doctors and therapists and diagnoses of bipolar to autism, but my parents dealt with it all patiently and lovingly, and sternly when necessary. I have more resentment toward the people who gave me up, the mother who did drugs in her first trimester, but I've learned to forgive them for that.

Anyway, I know I'm just one person, and OP is also only one person, but if it means anything to you, I hope it gives you more hope that you really can be that difference in a kid's life. Older or not, letting them know you care will be a trial and may not be easy, but what they lacked before you come into their life can't compare to what you can give them as a parent. Maybe it just depends on the kid, but I hope you can make someone just as happy, too.

AYRT

I'm glad you are happy about it, but I tend to see much more things like this (http://www.stthomas.edu/news/reflecting-on-airplane-day/ ) where they aren't outright hating being adopted but are more like "I get sad on my birthday because I wonder about my parents. And I hate that I have lost my culture" kind of thing. And I totally understand why someone adopted would feel sad about having been given up for adoption. Or would feel resentment that their family isn't of their culture. (For me, it wouldn't be adopting from an Asian country, as in this case, but adopting a minority, as there are far more of them in the system of my city.) Like I babysit a girl who was adopted (and always knew she was adopted, with "airplane day" and the like). And her parents were older, but were really nice (almost too nice at times) and I could tell that they really loved her and wanted what was best for her. But she spent so much of her time resentful of being adopted. She spent so much time wishing she could find her birth mother. She frequently told her mother that she was not her "real mother". And other things of that nature. And I see things like that and just don't think it is for me. Even though I once thought it was.

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