fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3049 ]

[ SECRET POST #3049 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3049 ⌋

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If you've known someone with an asshole significant other (or someone else of deep emotional importance), how have you handled it? Or not handled it? Gripe/advise here.

I'm not talking about abusive relationships (although arguably sometimes there's warning signs), just general jerks in the works.

I'm coolly polite, which is how I am with all assholes. Since my friends are actually good people, eventually they realized they were dating jackasses and dumped them.

A friend of mine had a boyfriend who once spent the day with us, except he couldn't have made it more clear he was bored to death. I'd try talking to him and he'd just roll his eyes. To my friend's credit, when I was leaving I could see from the corner of my eye that she was about to rip him a new one. In general I hate when significant others act like children in those situations. I'm sure he didn't really want to go shopping with us, but then why not do his thing and meet up with us later?

Not a personal experience, but this could be useful: http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/

Honestly it's usually best not to do anything and just be supportive of the person in the relationship. Telling someone that a loved one is a dick doesn't tend to go over well. And frankly there's always the chance that it's you who are the dick, and being unfair. If there isn't abuse involved, so what? You can tell the person in the relationship if something they said offended you or whatever, but outright assassination of their character just isn't helpful.

"Honestly it's usually best not to do anything and just be supportive of the person in the relationship."

^ This.

No one wants to hear the choice they've made in a partner is a shitty one. Support and encourage when the person involved has accepted that, but trying to convince them before they're ready to do so never works. They're more likely to ostracise you than they are the jerk partner.

Arguably, even when there is abuse present, a lot of the action that can be taken to deal with it depends on the abused party themselves making the complaint in the first place. Making them defensive on top of everything they're already going through isn't condusive to getting them to a place where they feel safe enough to do that.

Well, when friends complain about said people, I usually just say things like "that would upset me too." You can't agree that they're jerks, but you can affirm your friends' understanding that it's not just them.

Mostly not. Because in pretty any scenario this will mean asshole SO working towards our friend cutting contact with you.

What I do now is person how I feel, give examples of the jerkish behavior, and let them know that if they want to talk, that I'm there. And then I let it go. I've found that doing any more than that, or harping on it, winds up pushing the person away.

A friend of mine is dealing with their spouse being a massive overgrown child prone to fits of pass-aggro temper tantrums without warning. My friend is super upset by this and I honestly have no idea what to do or say other than just be as much of a comfort as possible, because my friend loves their spouse and has no idea how to deal with this. I actually also was a victim of spouse's childish behavior but I got lucky because they just quit talking to me. (I'm sorry I don't like your favorite band buddy but grow up)

You need to convince your friend to drop it like it's hot. Life is way too short to put up with this sort of thing. If hubby wants to be an overgrown manchild he can do it on his own dime and his own time. Your friend needs to defenestrate this loser, no matter how much she's convinced that she "looooooooves" him.

dethtoll didn't give any pronouns...could be his male friend's wife, or his male friend's husband/female friend's wife. (Just sayin')

hmm i think it's safe to assume husband because you don't call women "buddy" usually

friend's gender is inconclusive

Going to be a bridesmaid soon. Head bridesmaid and I detest each other. Coping by ignoring it as best can be.

I did this last month - you can do it anon. If the head bridesmaid starts getting snarky, put your best face on and ignore them. Maybe make pointed comments about being their for the bride if you really can't hold it in.

But ignoring is best, you can do it!

Thanks anon. That's some good advice. I'll give it a try.

My friend was aware I didn't like his ex (then boyfriend) (and his ex didn't like me, kept thinking that I-the-lesbian would steal the gay-dude away from him). Whenever we met we were cool and polite to each other. Bare minimum of politeness.

Dunno about the ex, but I didn't rag on my friend about dating the dude. I let him know I didn't like him but my friend is a grown adult who can make his own choices. Even if I obviously disagreed. I would mention that I'd prefer he'd find someone else after any of their fights.

It was an on-again off-again abusive relationship - mostly emotional but oh man the dude was a dick. They finally broke up for good about 7 months back and I'm so relieved. Been major encouraging to him to stay away.

Honestly, I usually not engage with them and just talk to my friends. So yeah, not handling for me. If they don't want to be around then I just leave them be. No point in talking to them or trying to strike up a conversation if the other party is not interested. I might try to keep the relationship polite but as distant as possible, though.

I bite my tongue a lot. I try to be cool but civil to them and engage as little as possible. If my friend asks, I try to be honest about my opinions and I keep criticism aimed at behavior, not personal attacks. So instead of saying, "Your boyfriend is a dick!" I say, "I don't like the way your boyfriend talks down to you."

Meanwhile, I try to support them in hopes they'll wise up and leave.

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[ SECRET POST #3049 ]

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