[ SECRET POST #3080 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3080 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Dead Poets Society]


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[Tobey Macguire]


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[Billy Connolly]


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(Marvel Cinematic Universe/Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.l.D.)


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[Love Live]


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[Life is Strange]


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(Hysterical Literature/Walt Whitman)


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 032 secrets from Secret Submission Post #440.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Go for it.

These are family member and coworkers I cannot simply stop talking to or cut off, if that was your genius solution

[(Anonymous)]

No, it was - I was saying - oh, never mind.

[(Anonymous)]

k then bye

for the record if they are open to advice or practical solutions that's one thing and I am not venting about them. It's the complainers that hurt themselves but refuse to stop hurting themselves by choice that I have issue with. Not the ones that can't for some other reason

you're stuck working with an asshole at your job? you can't do anything, I've no issue with you complaining. you want to quit smoking but you're taking smoke breaks every hour? god, I wish I didn't have to see you at work every day

[(Anonymous)]

no my point was sometimes people just want to vent about shit

and also, i mean

quitting smoking is hard, duder

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah and my venting is not about people who just need to vent. It's about people who vent all the time while doing things that hinder themselves in donig whatever they're venting about. Quitting smoking is hard but I have had to lsiten to this guy whine about how hard it is for literally a year while he takes smoke breaks every hour

Now if I could do something about that and chose not to and I were constantly posting about it on FS every day for a year I would have NO pity for myself either.

I understand that you're attempting to call hypocrite but these are different situations and you're mostly missing the point

[(Anonymous)]

Ah, well fair enough then, if it's on that kind of scale.

[(Anonymous)]

My mom has been complaining about losing the same 10 pounds for about 5 years almost daily while refusing to work out because "she's lazy" and "she doesn't want to get muscular" and she loves pastries but goood she's so faaaat I just

sometimes it makes me want to tear my hair out

[(Anonymous)]

NAYRT, and not calling hypocrite, but I do feel you're reducing some rather complex psychological responses to a very simplistic "well if they're complaining about it, why don't they stop/do something about it?"

Self-sabotage is a thing. Learned helplessness is a thing. Seeking enablers is a thing. And all things like that are arguably an even more difficult addiction to break.

What do you think these people get out of the complaining? What are they expecting you to say? Do they want their own frame of mind reinforced (this can also be negative reinforcement, such as you criticizing their behavior 'proving' to them that they're never going to improve so why bother? Why not just continue the destructive behavior just to prove that they couldn't do anything better anyway)?

Of course, none of this means you ought to just play along with this and give them whatever they need to continue the destructive behavior. It's exhausting and frustrating to deal with people like that, and sometimes for your own mental well-being you need to detach and make your boundaries very clear.

I'm just saying it's not always as simplistic as you're making it seem.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not saying it's simplistic. I never once said it was

I am frustrated that I'm expected to listen - and be the enabler and emotional support - or else I'm rude

[(Anonymous)]

Then like I said, you make your boundaries clear and you stick to them, even if that means they think you're rude.

You make a choice. Stay frustrated or back off. There is no happy choice when you're dealing with people like this.

Life's about compromise. Sorry if that memo didn't reach your desk.

[(Anonymous)]

nayrt - I get that. But IMO, you lose your venting privileges when you're the one creating your own problems.

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry, didn't realize you held all the free passes for venting. Also? Look in the mirror. Because you're creating your own problem by allowing them to continue venting at you rather than saying "I love/like/whatever you, but I can't listen to this anymore."

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah man, if only all those people who want to stop smoking just didn't smoke. It's not like it's an addiction or anything.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah man, except I didn't say it wasn't hard. Weight loss and saving money is hard too, let's not leave the others out. They are admittedly difficult things

But if you're complaining every day about how "fat" you are - shes not even fat, shes 130 lbs and 5'4" - while eating cake, or complaining about how you have no money while purchasing $300 bags, and expect everyone to listen and continue to sympathize or else they're horrible rude people, no

[(Anonymous)]

I believe the AYRT is suggesting that these people are equally just venting in the same way you are right now, but they aren't actually looking for advice or solutions.

Personally I don't see the point of venting or complaining if you're not asking for advice, and that it's ridiculous to get upset when people hand it out. No one's a mindreader. If these people are just venting, then either they tell you upfront, or you make a point of asking them whether or not they actually want advice.

If they don't, you're also well within your rights to tell them you're not interested in listening to the whining.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah except I don't evnt about this all the time constantly while never telling the people they annoy me. It's not a comparable situation like the anon is suggesting. I've explained more above

Venting I am 100% fine with. It's the venting while doing the very same action that digs you deeper into the hole you're venting about, that bothers me

[(Anonymous)]

Personally I don't see the point of venting or complaining if you're not asking for advice, and that it's ridiculous to get upset when people hand it out. No one's a mindreader.

THANK YOU. I've learned by osmosis that I should listen sympathetically to endless venting but it bugs me that people are taking up my time and very limited energy by talking about stuff they have no intention of changing. I'm happy to help with practical matters, brainstorming etc, but listening to round #97 of the same vent? No thanks.

I've recently started saying that I can't cope with being a free counsellor, any more than I can be a free physiotherapist or GP. That has slowed the flood of venting somewhat, and has protected by own mental health considerably.

[(Anonymous)]

op of thread.

I don't mind venting if its soemthing they can't do anything about or something the person is trying to change. I get that sometimes nothing else can be done because of otuside forces like the annoying person is a coworker of the venter or a parent that they have to live with. Or if they are open to suggestion or ideas, whatever, it's cool, sometimes listening is all that can be done to help them

It's exactly what you said though. "talking about stuff they have no intention of changing" that only they have the power to do - like quitting smoking, or not buying bags. That is what I can't stand

[(Anonymous)]

the other anon was pointing out how the last sentence of your original post made you sound like a hypocrite

the people who complain to you just want to vent

you just wanted to vent

get it?

[(Anonymous)]

I understood the intent but it made little sense as the situation and context is not comparable

I hope you get that?

[(Anonymous)]

we are so unsynchronized

sa

[(Anonymous)]

oh, okay, read your replies above

you meant people who do this constantly

gotcha

Re: sa

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah if I posted a thread like this every day on FS without tellign anyone they annoyed me I'd want to tell myself to shut the fuck up too, lol

I have told them I'm tired of hearing it by the way - in much more polite terms ofc - it doesn't make them stop, it just makes them call me rude and funny enough, too self-absorbed to be the caring person I should be

ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

I actually came across like the annoying one, sorry about that!

that'll teach me to actually read through the thread before replying

sorry to hear that they just don't get it, for some people "complaining about my problem" is somehow part of their nebulous plan to actually solve the problem

Re: ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

Not a problem lol

If I weren't open to hearing possible solutions or talking about it I would be a hypocrite and I don't want to be one too