fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3088 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3088 ⌋

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I really don't know what to do anymore. So, my mom and my sister don't have a great relationship. My mom claims she doesn't understand why. My sister talks about things she says my mom said that my mom doesn't remember saying. They tell me two different versions of things. My sister rants to me about mom and my mom comes crying to me wondering why her relationship with my sister is so bad when ours is so good.

So the most recent fight involves a conversation between my mom and my sister's boyfriend when they were meeting for the first time that my sister overheard. My mother told me one version of events and my sister told me another. My mom said that my sister misheard and my sister claims my mother is lying.

I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me feels horrible and wishes I could help. My mom and I have a great relationship as do my sister and I. I don't know who is right there or what the truth of the events were. I just don't get it. But I honestly just don't want to hear it anymore. I've asked them both to stop, but they keep on talking to me mostly because I'm the person in the family that is a good listener for people who want to rant. And it isn't even like they are asking me to help, they just want me to listen. But I don't want to hear it anymore, but asking them to stop doesn't seem to work.

Tune them out.

When my dad gets like this, he'll start ranting for hours so I'll just sit there and agree with him occasionally while largely ignoring him.

He doesn't care what I have to say (and it's clear your mom/sister don't either), he just wants a sympathetic ear to bitch to.

It is starting to make me feel sick, though. And I already have so much other stress in my life that I really can't handle it anymore. I was tempted to hang up today, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

You don't have to hang up just don't pay attention to their ranting. Listen in once in a while and agree to placate them but don't invest in their problems. There's nothing you can do anyway if they don't want to change.

If you've asked them to stop and they refuse, then you may unfortunately have to be rude, for example hanging up when you don't want to. Of course this is all dependent on circumstances, and sometimes you really do just have to sigh and bear it when family members are being crappy. But you're also within your rights to avoid picking up the phone, hang up, or just get angry. Tip for hanging up: try to do so when you're in the middle of a sentence rather than when they're talking. No one ever hangs up on themselves, the logic goes, so they think the call has been disconnected.

Unfortunately, you've got to establish your boundaries and enforce them. Saying you don't want to listen and then listening just tells your mother and sister that you don't really mean it. Be gentle but very firm: I love you both, but being caught in the middle like this is very painful for me and I can't do it anymore. I don't insist you talk to each other, but you both should find someone else (hint hint therapy hint hint) to vent to about this."

And then if they start in on it, you need to nip it in the bud EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

"Mom, I really can't do this. Let's talk about something else."

"Sis, remember what I said about not wanting to get stuck in the middle? Let's talk about something else."

If they protest, leave the conversation. "I'm sorry but I have to go. Talk to you later, love you!"

You can't depend other people to enforce your boundaries for you. You have to do it yourself. If you don't, then yes it might be "easier" in the short term, but it only gets worse in the long run. Do it yourself, and do it for you.

I had a similar thing happen to me at work with two different sets of coworkers. Both sets of them came to tell me what happened, and both told differing stories. I knew all of them very well, and I absolutely believe that they were all telling me the truth as they perceived it. The problem is that they were obviously not communicating properly with each other.

They would discuss a topic, but they would each hear different things from each other, and this is where their biases or their insecurities or whatever were putting an unintended spin on the conversations.

Without being in the room with all of them during those conversations, I could not mediate that for them. What was needed was an impartial observer or facilitator to help them start communicating properly.

All of the above is just to say that whenever you have a communication breakdown that is that significant, it's not just a matter of semantics or misunderstandings - there are other issues there that are clouding their perceptions and their judgments of what's being said and how it's being said.

I don't know that there's much you can do - they've got to figure out their issues and work them out between them, either themselves or with help from an external impartial third-party.

If they're comfortable talking with you, they're probably going to vent to some degree no matter what. I'd just refrain from taking sides in any way, and I'd probably keep my responses non-committal. If they don't feel like they're getting sympathy or validation from you, they may end up going elsewhere to vent.

And, for your sake, I do hope they eventually work it out on their own, because walking that tightrope between them can be exhausting.

I'm sorry to hear this, anon; I too have this problem - I'm quiet, so people assume that I want to listen to their crap. Not the case, but I'm usually too gobsmacked at their insensitivity to keep on saying "just stow it."

I have, however, begun employing body language when being used as emotional dustbin. Not making eye contact helps. I gaze out of the window or at a cloud and think about something else. If someone calls me out on it, I say that I realise I've been making people uncomfortable with All The Eye Contact and am training myself out of it.

I've been telling people that their ranting is bringing back bad memories (of other times they've ranted at me, to be sure, but I don't actually say that) and let's talk about something else. That sometimes shuts them up.

I tell people I'm not the person they need and that asking me to be their sympathetic listener is like asking a disabled person to carry them. Absolutely true. Sometimes it doesn't go down too well; it depends on whether you think they're going to turn on you.

Don't even attempt to mediate. You will just end up with both sides shooting at you.

Finally, I've read elsewhere on the internet that it takes five instances of boundary-enforcing for it to stick. Which is awful, and bloody rude of them, but probably true.

Good luck, anon. You're not responsible for their emotional health any more than you are for their physical health. You look after you and leave them to sort out their own crap if you possibly can. It beats me why some people expect others to want to listen to this kind of unpleasantness, but they do, they do. :(((

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