fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3133 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3133 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[The Guild]

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[Harvest Moon: (More) Friends of Mineral Town]

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04.

[Gump, from Legend]

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(Agent Carter)

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06.

[Jeeves and Wooster]

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[Lupin III]

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08.

[Courtney Love & Kurt Cobain]

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09.

(SPN)

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10.

[Kasumi Goto, Mass Effect]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 057 secrets from Secret Submission Post #448.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Background: we have been friends for 2 years, and I like her a lot, but she cancels probably 60% of the time we're supposed to get together (usually with only a few hour's notice. I've also been stood up before.) The final straw came on Tuesday, when she canceled on dinner for the next night. We had planned it a week before, it was supposed to be my big goodbye dinner before I moved, and I asked her several times if she was okay going to this restaurant, because it was sort of pricy but I had a gift card. She said it was for financial reasons, so I was annoyed given the earlier out I had offered, but said whatever. Cut to that night, when I see her out at a restaurant with another friend. There are 500 valid reasons she could have been out that night but not could not afford to go out the next day with me, but at that point I was so mad I was over it.

So, now I'm wondering what I say when I get back in town and if she asks to go out to dinner. I'm tempted to say "I've got a lot on my mind with upcoming life stuff [that she is very aware of] and I don't want to spend time worrying that you're going to cancel on me," but that seems harsh. On the other hand, I've let her get away with being flaky for 2 years and it's time she faced some consequences for it.

idek. What do y'all think?

give it one more shot

if she cancels on you, tell her you are angry and don't want to do this any more

if she makes it, mention you were worried she would cancel and explain why

Why do you think OP hasn't given this person more than enough chances?

I get the feeling the chances of her asking you to dinner aren't going to be very high.

But in the event she does, just say "no thanks, can't make it." Don't give any explanations unless she presses you for one. And then do whatever you were going to do.

I think being honest with her is fine. Her behavior is inconsiderate no matter how you slice it. Either she's not interested in being friends anymore and is too much of a coward to be straightforward, or she's a flake who doesn't really care enough about inconveniencing her friends to change her habits.

I'd stop planning things with her, quite frankly. If you still want to see her as a friend, I'd wait till she initiates, and then I'd say something like "That sounds great, but the problem is that you end up canceling on me a lot at the last minute and I'm kind of left hanging. What can we do to make sure that doesn't happen again?"

If she gets angry and defensive, shrug and write the friendship off. It doesn't sound like you're missing out on much.

It really looks like she ditched her plans with you because something else came up, she realized she couldn't afford both outings, and she preferred to spend her money on the date with other friend than on the planned goodbye dinner with you. Other times when you've had plans with her, she ditches you often than not, with minimal notice or none at all. Somebody who stands you up with no explanation afterward, for anything but an emergency, is not a friend. Period. You don't have to make excuses for her.

I vote for telling her exactly what you're tempted to tell her. It may be harsh, but it's obvious that your friendship is a very low priority for her (and so is basic courtesy). Plus, you've tolerated her rude treatment of you for longer than most people would, and she has taken that as a message, not that you're nice and a patient, forbearing friend, but that it's okay to treat you as an inferior grade of friend and be rude to you.

Tell her. You really don't need to waste time fretting over her attendance when you've got other stuff going on. Put her on the same priority level she's putting you.

[ SECRET POST #3133 ]

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