[ SECRET POST #3139 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3139 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 097 secrets from Secret Submission Post #449.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

06. https://www.imageupload.co.uk/images/2015/08/04/fs-friend.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe they find your taste to be questionable more often than not.

But it's irrelevant. As much as it sucks to feel like you're not getting equal respect, your friend is not obligated to pick up anything you rec. You aren't obligated to pick up anything they send your way either.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

I have friends I love to bits and respect on many levels, but after 9 recs from them that turn out to be absolute shit, of course I'm not going to take the 10th one until I have some other reason to try it.

[elaminator]

+1.

And it might not even be that OP's friend finds their taste questionable (though that is certainly possible), but the explanation might not appeal to them. For instance, I know I'm shit at describing things, so my rec's probably don't exactly carry all that much weight. I HAVE rec'd things to my friends that they've come to love, but also as we get older and they have less time, they're more likely to not try the thing. (Which is fine, tbh.)

Also, that dog is adorable. I want to hug it.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I have that problem too, not knowing how to pimp a series. But in my case, I have this history of being let down by promising descriptions that are 10% truth and 90% exaggeration or lie. So I may at times understate the awesomeness of something without really meaning to.

That's--

[(Anonymous)]

--me and my childhood best friend. It's hilarious.

[(Anonymous)]

That's annoying, but there's not much you can do, really. For a lot of people, a rec from a friend carries a lot of weight, but it depends on how well your tastes match and more importantly her perception of your judgment. Your tastes might match quite closely, but for some reason your word still doesn't carry much weight with her and that stings.

Try not to get too bitter. You're certainly allowed a cheerful "I'm so glad you finally read _____! It's one of my favorites."

[(Anonymous)]

The OP's bitterness is indeed a bit offputting, at the moment. Why not be just glad now they can finally talk about a book they and their friend have both read?

[(Anonymous)]

You have a point, but the OP's bitterness has a valid root cause, too. It sucks to have your opinion discounted by a friend. I suggested they try not to be too bitter not because they ought to feel happier, but because it wouldn't be productive and would only backfire on them.

[(Anonymous)]

Taste is subjective, quality is not, and it might be that you're not used to telling the difference?

A friend of mine once insisted I read "P. S. I love you" because apparently that was the best book in history. I'm sure she had great fun reading it, but the book is rubbish and the fact that she thought it was good... well, told me enough to never again listen to a book rec from her.

[(Anonymous)]

Provide an objective definition of "quality."

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe the way you recced the series just didn't appeal to her. I've certainly had things reccommended to me by friends in a way that made them sound awful to me, but have later picked them up because of something someone else said that made me take a second look.

[(Anonymous)]

Perhaps because having one person rec to them made them put the book on their "must read when I get round to it" pile, but having multiple people rec to them the same series in a short period of time made them quickly move the book up their list?

You could have been the instigator and the BNF just the cherry on the cake.

[(Anonymous)]

I love how much of this thread is "maybe there's Something wrong with your rec. .." because you sound really entiTled OP.

[(Anonymous)]

Could be your reccing too hard. Some people don't need it recced, they need to see other ppl being excited over it for reasons they find exciting.

While you may be more coming across as pressuring them.

[(Anonymous)]

Ignore all the people in the thread who are saying it's you. "You rec her things she won't like." "You rec things in a way that don't make them sound interesting." "You don't have good taste."

It's not you, it's her. She doesn't respect you. A friend will at least give your recs an honest go and then tell you if she doesn't like them so that you can adjust your reccing in the future.

By refusing to read your recs it's a simple lack of respect. It says "Your word carries no weight with me." And naturally that's hurtful. All you can do, OP, is accept that she's like this and stop reccing things to her.

[(Anonymous)]

No. No one is obligated to read the shit their friends rec.

[(Anonymous)]

Why should someone try something out if it doesn't sound interesting to them? People can rec me romance novels all they want and I'm not going to read them because I don't like romance novels. I don't care how you describe it to me or how much you loved it, I'm not going to be interested.

In fact, the one who isn't being respectful is the person who keeps reccing things to someone who isn't interested.

[(Anonymous)]

Rubbish.

[(Anonymous)]

I wouldn't say that OP's friend doesn't respect them, but it is pretty clear that the friend doesn't care about OP's recs, and is only either letting OP continue to rec things because they want to be able to continue to make their own recs without feeling rude/self-centered, or because they don't want to hurt OP's feelings. I would feel pretty hurt and embarrassed if I found out that a friend had been letting me go on and on about something even though they actually didn't care at all, no matter how good their intentions were.

[(Anonymous)]

One other possibility is that the OP is reccing things all the time, and her friend is feeling fatigued and/or exasperated.

I have a buddy (not a fandom buddy) who is continually telling me to read this book or that. He has tons of spare time and adores reading. I'm sure many of his recs are worth checking out, but I just don't have time to weed through them all to find out which ones might appeal to me too. (Plus there's the pressure factor - he keeps asking me if I've tried them - and that makes me begin to feel actively averse...)

On the other hand, if I get a single rec from my friend who recommends books only once in a while, I'm much likelier to try that out because it's a much easier undertaking, and also there's no actual pressure to read.

[(Anonymous)]

+1

I thought this might be what was happening the moment I read "I've been reccing you that for months". The more someone insists I read something, the less inclined I feel, because I start to associate it with that pressure...

[(Anonymous)]

This isn't exactly the same, but I have a fandom friend who's always begging me to read their fanfic, even when I've specifically told them that when they do that, it brings me back to bad times and I'm less likely inclined to read it. (Long story short, an ex-friend of mine used to emotionally abuse me and would hold not reading their fic against me, saying that it made them feel worthless and like shit, etc.) But then they don't ever say a peep about the stories that I finally publish on AO3. So, I kind of know how you feel, and it is a little annoying, but just as your friend doesn't have to read anything you rec to them, it's a two-way street.

[likeadeuce]

Besides the suggestions that have been made, maybe your friend is just less likely to pick up new things (or it takes them longer to get to them) whereas you are looking for new things a lot...another thing to consider is that if you feel obligated to try every new thing that's recced to you, because you see it as a show of friendship, maybe your friend genuinely doesn't see it this same way & won't mind if you say 'I'm in the middle of something else right now but 'll keepkeep it in mind.

(Of course, maybe your friend is actively belittling your taste in which case they're not a great friend, and if it really bothers you, then let them know how you feel and/or, stop including them in those conversations.

[(Anonymous)]

I know how you feel, OP. I had a real life friend who would rec me things all the time (fic, but also novels, nonfiction, and TV shows). I would make a real effort to check some of them out. Not every single thing she recced, but enough to show that as her friend I was willing to invest time in things that interested her so we could share in those things.

She generally didn't bother to do the same for me. Ultimately, I think what it came down to was that she didn't view our friendship as something which called for a bit of maintenance and nurture on her part. She just took for granted that I would do all that stuff. (She demonstrated that in other ways too, not just by neglecting my recs/interests.)

My sympathies, OP. I'm not sure there's much to be done in your situation.

I suppose you could suggest making an activity out of it in an attempt to gently guide your friend towards reciprocity. You could propose that, just for fun, the two of you swap recs and commit to reading each others recs at the same time. You could even make a game out of it by swapping recs thematically (You each read each other's favorite sickfic, for example, or any other trope you want.) Then, once you've both finished your recs you can swap new recs on a different theme. It might work. Probably not, but hey, could be worth a try.