fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3153 ]

[ SECRET POST #3153 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3153 ⌋

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So, at the beginning of this summer, I made a list of things I wanted to do. One of these things was "go to the zoo", which, yeah, okay, maybe that's a little juvenile, but I haven't gone in forever, and I thought it'd be fun + I could chill with lorikeets. Asked my friend if she would be interested in going at some point, and she said yes.

Couple of months pass, and I check in with her, to see if she's still interested in going, and she is, so we make plans to go a certain day... Two days before, she texts me, and asks me if we could not go, since it was too expensive. Fine, that totally makes sense, I get it, you know? I travel down, we hang out, whatever.

Last night, we were talking over chat, and she mentions that she had gone up to (city) to pick up a friend from the airport, and friend had wanted to go to the zoo, so they did. (And here I thought it was too expensive, lol), and now I'm feeling really hurt about this.

I know it's stupid, it's just the zoo, but I'm just sick of making plans with her that she has to back out of- and the thing is, she usually has explanations that do genuinely make sense! But it's still really frustrating, and really hurtful, you know? And she was like "we can go another time!" but I don't want to make plans with her, since I'm worried that I'll be too on-edge about her having to cancel last minute to actually enjoy it.

IDK, we had plans for another trip earlier in September as well, but now I'm wondering if I should just drop it, or try and find other people to go with, since I don't want to hope, you know?

At best, your friend is a flake. Possibly a passive aggressive one. Did you ask her about the zoo issue and why it was "too expensive" when you guys had plans, but suddenly okay when she had plans to go with someone else? I think it'd be useful to ask about this if you could do it in a non-accusatory way. Sort of a gentle but puzzled, "We make a lot of plans but they never seem to happen because you cancel out last minute. I understand that sometimes things come up that are unavoidable, but every single time feels like there's something else going on. What's up with that?"

But honestly, the issue might be that your friend is doing a slow fade and is too much of a coward to be honest about this, so she lets you think your get togethers are totally going to happen (because it's easier on her) and then pulls a bullshit excuse out of her butt at the last minute (again, because this is easier on her) so that it doesn't look like it's her fault for cancelling. If she gets huffy or defensive about your questions, that is a big clue right there.

You should probably back off on making plans with this person. Let her initiate and do the work of planning and see if she can follow through. If she can do this, say, 2-3 times without cancellations, then start slowly and make cautious plans with her again, then see how that goes. Regardless of what happens, meeting new people and making new friends is always, always a good idea.

I agree with this. I've been in similar situations. Best case, she's a flake - and that does happen. Some people mean well and just don't have it "together" in terms of keeping commitments. Worst case, she's not as invested in the friendship.

I would say you can still make plans with her, but nothing too long term or definitive, and definitely nothing that involves you waiting (like you did with the zoo) or taking a lot of time away from something else. This is the sort of friend who might be best for making coffee plans with, and only if it won't be a problem to just read a book and sip back a latte if she never shows up.

omg is your friend my friend? She does the exact same thing! Just switch out zoos for restaurants! It sounds like you had to travel to see her, correct? I would say make her come to you next time. And if I misunderstood and you're all local, then do the trip in September, but if she cancels again, you have every right to bring it up to her the next time she suggests a plan like that.

Yeah, I have a friend like that too. We were supposed to go to a con recently, and I forked out for tickets, and she canxed at last minute. Literally the day of the con. I know she has health problems, so I try not to angry, but she's yanked me around a lot to the point where I really thought to myself as I was booking tickets that she was probably going to cancel and this was money down the drain.

Even taking her health problems into consideration, if she has to cancel at the last minute the polite thing to do would be to reimburse you for the tickets unless you're able to sell them to someone else. You shouldn't be the one taking the loss for her cancellation.

Even if she has good reasons for cancelling on you, this isn't great behavior from a friend. Especially if she has a bad habit of doing this a lot. If you want to keep hanging out with her, try to make plans that are flexible, i.e. nothing that requires reservations or tickets, or lots of preparation or effort. Don't do anything that would result in a significant inconvenience for you if she cancels. That's only

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I meant to say that's only IF you want to keep hanging out with her, but I wouldn't be too eager to be friends with someone who's this inconsiderate about other peoples' time and feelings.

Aw, that sucks. I'd make plans with other people. The zoo is cool! The zoo nearest me (St. Louis) is free, and pretty awesome, so don't apologize for wanting to go to the zoo!

I hate that too - knowing that someone is likely to cancel plans on you. After a while I do stop making plans with that person because that's really stressful to me. :/

What an ass :(

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[ SECRET POST #3153 ]

Just a vent

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