fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3170 ]

[ SECRET POST #3170 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3170 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 038 secrets from Secret Submission Post #453.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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is upset about something I said/did, but won't say what it was. She says it was a few weeks ago (so I can't remember what it was) and she says she doesn't want to talk about it because she is overreacting and should be over it, but if I did something to hurt her I wish she would tell me so I can correct the behavior? I am pretty sure she is trying to tiptoe around my depression and not upset me by criticizing me (I only figured out she was upset about something I did with context clues), but I am so upset not knowing? But I also don't want to force her to talk to me if it makes her uncomfortable. Also we are long distance so that makes this communicating thing so much harder.

And that was a vent, sorry F!S.

Happens to me aaaaaallllll the time.

Here's what your next couple of months will look like.

Option 1. God willing, she'll feel better about it and the tension will ease.

Option 2. She'll tell you quickly and you'll sort it out quickly (Has literally never happened to me, but its a possibility and you got to have hope in your life)

Option 3. She'll keep it in, it'll fester. everything you do will start to remind her of that thing you did, even if it only has a minor connection (human brain is funny like that) She'll obsess and gradually become more and more resentful, as it get's nearer the reveal she'll start Snapping at you more and more and having more and more crying fits. Then she'll start openly criticizing you for things not really connected to the original fuck-up and things that - are not normally an issue for her (She'll later tell you this. Might be difficult to believe that given the vitriol that'll come out, but you have to take her at her word, it's just the resentment from the ground zero fuck-up). Eventually it'll burst, you'll have an explosion where it'll all come flooding out. That part will sting, having several months worth of resentment hitting you in one half an hour outburst, you may feel defensive, you might feel the need to lash back out. You're her boyfriend, it is your job to take this and hold that shit in. Let it happen. Then, as far as you are able while still being honest make your apologies and get back to the good bits.

Good Luck amigo, and remember to avoid this shit when she does something that upsets you by opting for option 1 or 2.

Thanks I guess, correction though: I am her girlfriend not her boyfriend. I'm a lesbian. Just, minor correction there.

Anyway yeah, I guess I'll hope it does get sorted out and be too worried about it to sleep in the mean time.

Oops. My bad. Way to hetero-normative, self!

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that all three options are things you have no control over when it's her emotions that hold the cards. Don't worry about it, you can't do anything about it, and however rough it gets - and it can get pretty rough, but that's not something you should fear, it's not something you can control - it'll sort itself out. Your only available option, and only responsibility is to be patient, supportive and when it goes down respectful and understanding and probably very quiet. Your only action at this point is to put it out of your head, and try to get that sleep, because if option 3 hits, you do not want to be exhausted, you need to gut it out, not be sleep deprived and grumpy and reactionary to everything.

TL;DR (Everything I type at the moment seems tldr) Don't worry, let it play out, you can't and are not expected to do any more at this point.

NP, easy mistake to make on anon.

As for the sleeping thing: I pretty much already have insomnia and any anxiety will ruin my sleep schedule, so idk if I can help it. I can try and not worry, but I just worry it will be something we wont be able to move past and I really don't want to mess up this relationship because its the only real one I've ever had? I just am upset I did something that hurt her (especially cause I doubt she is over reacting, she tends to belittle her own feelings and she was crying earlier.)

If it was a biggie, you'd know it. You're not sitting there thinking "Maybe it was that time I banger her sister? Nah" or "Maybe she's upset about that homeless person I killed? Could be". You seem pretty insightful, and if you can't figure it out what you've done it's probably not an obvious fuck-up, most likely it's a misunderstanding (Which is my bet, btw. I'd be grateful if you could confirm or deny this when you find out what it is). It is highly unlikely "something you can't move past" would be so small as to slip under your radar so completely.

If she's over reacting that's fine and some people do that. deal with it however is appropriate when / if it comes out. If she's not over reacting it was clearly not something so important to have made such little impact on you, so when you find out what it is it's unlikely to a be a sticking point that will end the relationship. Just wait it out and try not to speculate. Your own imagination is kinda your enemy on this out.

Since you asked for an update: It was sort of a misunderstanding and sort of not.

I don't want to divulge too much dirty laundry but basically: A little over a month ago when I was having an anxiety attack I ended up bringing up an insecurity I have about our relationship, and I tried to make it clear that I wasn't asking her to change or attacking her, it was my insecurity that I needed to deal with and my problem not hers, but she was hurt by it and felt I was asking her to change/criticizing her anyway which is understandable. At the time she didn't let on to that (probably because afore mentioned anxiety I was dealing with at the time) and didn't bring it up later cause I was generally dealing with some unrelated bad stuff in my life and she didn't want to upset me. I thought it genuinely hadn't bothered her, which in hindsight was pretty stupid of me, because I had known before I said anything that it could upset her and thats why I had been avoiding bringing it up. (this all probably doesn't make sense cause I am leaving out key details but yeah)

So I am still feeling pretty shitty that I hurt her and shitty that I brought it up in the first place and like? like my fear that trying to talk about my problems just ends up upsetting and hurting people around me. I apologized to her and she said she doesn't blame me, but I'm still mad at myself.

And I vented again, sorry. TL;DR: I said a thing but thought it didn't bother her, it did, I feel like an asshole.

If you go back and read this: I don't think you did anything really wrong, if I'm reading this right, I know how it is when you want to address an issue in a relationship and the other person takes it as a criticism/attack, even when you say it isn't, because they might feel vulnerable/insecure, orrrrr see you as not quite stable/liable to be a loose cannon.

You need to air your issues with the relationship in as respectful and honest and straightforward way you can EVEN if it is unpleasant for her to hear. You matter too, your feelings and issues matter too, better in than out. (The only time you ideally shouldn't is when they or you are in a temporary fragile state, but your feelings and concerns matter!) And I hope she wouldn't do this (my ex did) but DON'T let her block out/dismiss/sideline/minimise your issues/concerns/boundaries with the relationship through making you feel guilty for making her feel crap for hearing them.

"it is your job to take this and hold that shit in. Let it happen. Then, as far as you are able while still being honest make your apologies and get back to the good bits."

What? No. No, that is complete bullshit. I don't care what OP did, it's not right to treat your SO like complete crap for something they don't know they did and YOU WON'T TELL THEM they did. And if you DO treat your SO like crap over that, then you sure as fuck deserve to be called out on it.

Hell, even if you DO tell your partner right away when they've done something to hurt you, it doesn't mean you get to be an asshole about it. That isn't how adults handle things in relationships. Adults talk about the things that are bothering them respectfully.

OP, if you read this, if your GF goes with option 3, you might wanna reconsider being in a relationship with her. That's a sign of immaturity, selfishness, and a complete inability to communicate in a healthy way.

NA Option 3 sounded more like sardonicism born of experience to me...

NAYRT

I would like to think so, but you just know there are people out there who would be absolutely serious about it.

SA

And lo and behold, somebody just confirmed my suspicion.

"OP, if you read this, if your GF goes with option 3, you might wanna reconsider being in a relationship with her."

And this is the fandom secret agony aunt here to tell you that relationships are stupid, people being flawed and immature make them terrible and undeserving of being with "Good" not flawed and not immature people (Like you clearly are. That's how people work, The good ones and the bad ones. No, you have no immaturity or flaws so keep your life pure!) and you need to cut immaturity and flaws out of your life even if they're attached to people you care about.

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[ SECRET POST #3170 ]

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