fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3172 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3172 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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(Ollie Locke)

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[Forever]

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[Doctor Who]

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My grandmother just passed away. Unlike when it was with my dad, the grief came immediately. When it was with dad, it took me a few weeks to get over the numbness before I could start crying, but not this time.

I feel so shitty because I was letting myself be too busy with RL that I missed her moment of passing, just like I did with my dad. I was busy with RL, true, but I wasn't that busy that I couldn't drop what I was doing to visit her (and his, back then) last moments. I'm such a fuck up for doing this twice.

And now I feel even more shitty because even if it's just in my head it feels like I'm making it about me and my fucking disappointment with myself and not of her passing.

Tl;DR everything's shit.

*hugs*

It's okay to feel shitty. It really, really is. You're not an awful person, you're a person who made some basic mistakes that almost anyone could have. And strong emotions can tangle up; your disappointment and your grief are not necessarily separate. I'm certain you really are feeling grief and the disappointment with yourself is a facet of it.

It's going to keep hurting for a while. I know, I've gone through a couple deaths in the family, too, and they fucking blow. But you're not a terrible person for this. You'll be better eventually, but it's okay to feel hurt right now.

I'm sorry for your losses, Anon. My mother died unexpectedly after a short illness last year, and I put off seeing her in the hospital until we got the call that she wouldn't make it through the night. I went, and got there about 5 minutes too late.

Shit happens, is all I can say. Watching someone die is not easy. My grandmother's passing a decade ago was drawn-out and unpleasant, and I remember it all too well. All you can do is sit there and wait. It's not wrong to not want to do that.

You're not a fuck-up, and making this about yourself is perfectly okay, because you are the survivor, and your life is changed, but it will go on. Don't be so hard on yourself. Please try to feel better when you can.

why would you TW for something then not put it behind a collapsed comment :|

why do you have to be a douche in this thread? You didn't have to read it.

I'm sorry and know how you're feeling. :( I didn't want to visit my grandfather because I didn't like seeing how awful he looked (and it's not like he knew who I was anyway, I reasoned). The day after I blew off a chance to visit him, he died. Now my aunt is dying and I'm going to try and visit her a time or two even though I'm terrible at being around dying people. (I take any opportunity to make excuses after spending so much time watching my grandma die.)

So, you've got guilt that you're being self-centered on top of guilt that you missed out on your loved one's last moments and it's completely normal, one those difficult life things that we all have to deal with, I think. It's hard to navigate feelings surrounding death because there's always that guilt that your sadness is self-centered, and shouldn't you be more supportive of those who are more affected instead?

When my father died, I was not there at the moment of his passing. We'd had a minor spat and I just put off talking to him for a month. I ducked his calls. He died of a heart attack walking with my mother and the dogs in the park.

Every day, I thought of it. But I realized that the moment of passing didn't matter, in the long run. We had 20 years of love. We had thousands of moments and the ending one may seem important, but it isn't. I'm sure my Dad died knowing I loved him. The fact that I wasn't there didn't matter. I'm sure your grandmother died knowing that you loved her, no matter what was going on in that very moment.

Forgive yourself. Let yourself grieve, but don't let this sit inside of you and fester, please. You're not a screwup. You're just a person, and people get busy. It doesn't mean you didn't love them.

this is a good comment

I wasn't there when my grandma died either. But death really sucks, and likely that moment is really not how she'd have liked you to remember her. Think about the good times you had together, and don't beat yourself up. It's just a moment in time, and all the other moments were so very much better.

I really don't get this "she wouldn't have wanted me to remember her this way" deal. That's...not why you visit people who are dying.

I'm sorry for your loss, anon.

I've lost all of my grandparents, and I wasn't present when any of them passed. It seems like a huge thing, not being there at that moment, but there are so many other moments, and so many of them are so vital and important. A life isn't measured only by its end, and the love you have for someone isn't measured by a single moment.

I'm sure you shared a lot with her. I'm sure she loved you, and knew that you loved her in return. Every bit of time that you spent with her over the course of your life mattered and matters. It's hard to think about that, because we always want more when someone passes. We want to have said more, done more; we want another day, another hour, another minute. We want to have spent more time with them because we think the time that we did spend wasn't enough, or wasn't as significant as that extra couple of seconds could have been. But it all was enough, and it all was significant.

You're not a fuck-up. You're human.

And also, the way you're experiencing your grief is not selfish at all. Grief isn't ever just about the person who passed; it isn't meant to be. It's also about us, because it hurts like hell to lose people we love and we have to process that hurt somehow. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. And it'll get easier.

I'm so sorry for your loss, anon.

I was in a similar situation with my dad (couldn't get to say goodbye before his passing). Rather than thinking on how they died, just think that you had a lot of good moments with them.

You're going through a time of grief, so I'd say let yourself feel sad/angry/whatever you need to be.

Hugs if you want. I'm sorry about your grandma and your dad. I dunno if this will help. But even though grief's not a linear process, maybe not being numb is a good thing in some ways, because that kind of shut down where your emotions just freeze is worse sometimes when it goes away. It's the difference between being a little chilly and having to walk out into freezing weather, and the temperature being right at that point where you don't notice being hot or cold until you walk out into a blizzard. It's a sucky shock when your emotions come back and mob you, after being numb.

My grandfather just passed away, so I think I know how you feel a little. Take care.

My grandma has a week or two at the most left. I suffer from pretty serious anxiety and a host of other mental shit. I have a reoccurring nightmare that I call her and she dies. This started quite awhile ago when she had decent quality of life so I didn't call convinced it would kill her. I waiting too long when I finally called she couldn't follow the conversation and has no memory of the call. We fuck things up its a given. You are grieving the loss of her and remembering the loss of your dad. It is far easier being angry at yourself or even others than it is to grieve. So right now your brain is trying to lessen the impact of the grief by making you angry. Clearly brains are morons.

[ SECRET POST #3172 ]

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