[ SECRET POST #3209 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3209 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 054 secrets from Secret Submission Post #459.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

A reliable family member who's always been honest with me told me today to accept I'll never be good at a hobby I've been struggling with. Led me to the conclusion that I'll most likely never successfully do anything, because everything is basically hard for me, and I'll probably be happier if I stop trying to succeed. I thought this would be liberating, since I've been a failure my whole life, but here I am, depressed and crying. I even fail at failing.

[dreemyweird]

Hey, nonnie. What is the hobby in question? Most hobbies don't take any kind of special talent, all they take is practice (saying this as someone who's fairly good at a number of artsy activities). I don't see why it should be up to the mysterious relative of yours to decide whether you will ever succeed at something.

Do you have a good relationship with this family member? They may be honest, but they're not necessarily coming from a place of goodwill; nor is there any reason why they should be right.

Above all, struggling with things does NOT diminish your worth or make you "a failure".

[(Anonymous)]

That's shitty advice because the only way you'll get good at any hobby is if you keep at it (and get out of your comfort zone with it some.) It might not be viable as a career, but it's definitely possible to get good. Everyone starts out shitty. It might take you longer, but you'll eventually still be better than people who haven't tried it at all or people who gave up on it.

What's the hobby, if you don't mind me asking?

[(Anonymous)]

Even if they're reliable and correct, you shouldn't jump from "I will never be able to do this one thing well" to "I will never be able to do anything well".

Besides, being good at something isn't the aim of a hobby. It's to enjoy yourself.

[dreemyweird]

>Besides, being good at something isn't the aim of a hobby. It's to enjoy yourself.

Yes, this. Seconded so hard.

[(Anonymous)]

Does not compute. Most people find more enjoyment in doing something successfully, than failing at a thing.

[(Anonymous)]

Exactly. There are a lot of different jobs/hobbies/activities in the world and they don't all require the same skill sets. There are a lot of thing I'm terrible at but there are definitely things I'm good at.

[elaminator]

Thissssssss. If you enjoy that hobby, you should keep doing it. Even if you aren't the best at it that shouldn't matter, what matters is you're getting pleasure from doing it.

You don't need to excel at a hobby...that isn't the point. I mean, sure, it's nice when you do, but that's not the most important thing.

Plus, their definition of failure and your definition (plus everyone else's definition) might not be the same. One person thinking you suck doesn't mean you suck. If you do or not, it isn't their business and it shouldn't stop you from enjoying yourself.

I also agree with you shouldn't jump from "I will never be able to do this one thing well" to "I will never be able to do anything well". Most everyone is good at something.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh damn, sorry you have to hear this shit. It sucks, especially coming from friends and relatives. I get it sometimes too, and if I'm feeling especially snarky I'll ask if the person saying it will support me when I give up trying to support myself because I suck so much, so why bother? Why not be a lump for the rest of my life?
And then I keep working at the stuff I suck at, because hey, if I suck at everything under the sun, my choices are 1) do something and suck at it and maybe get better or maybe stay mediocre, or 2) do nothing, forever, or at least until I die because I failed at keeping myself fed.
Keep on keepin' on, OP. Unless you failed at releasing a horrible zombie pandemic on the world or something, in which case, please accept you're a horrible failure and give up right now.

[(Anonymous)]

Have a hobby because you enjoy and it makes you happy, not because someone else deems you good at it or not.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm shit at most of what I do. I have poor technical skills (it takes me forever to cook, I'm often imprecise in my manual work) and it sucks. I had a meltdown during my internship because of it, and because I thought I shouldn't need help for that, so I kind of get how you feel, I think. So what I'd say to you is

1)Just because you're not good at something doesn't mean you have no value as a person/that you deserve to not exist/you will never ever contribute to anything in a significant way. Perhaps you just haven't found "your" thing yet.

2)Maybe you're raising the bar too high and your "good" is everyone else's "I-do-this-shit-since-I'm-six-perfect". I used to draw a lot when I was young and I thought I was pretty good. I got upset with my drawing skills because I thought I was just parroting the drawing style of my favorite cartoons. Instead of finding my own style I more or less stopped. Now I regret having been too harsh on myself.

Either way, hang in there. Your ability to do thing =/= your value as a human being. I'm sure you have plenty of qualities you aren't even aware of.

[(Anonymous)]

I've had similar happen to me, if not to that extent - what's worse is when the relative in question will honest to god mean well and think they're helping. But I always think the issue is usually that they don't really understand it more than anything else. So that's one way of looking at it.

[(Anonymous)]

Don't listen to them, even if you think they're reliable and honest, it's just plain mean to say that to someone.

[(Anonymous)]

If it's a hobby, how important is it that you excel? A lot of people do their hobbies knowing full well they'll never be experts. They do it because they enjoy it, no matter what level they reach. Is that not the case for you?

Is this hobby by chance anything to do with writing or art? Because chances are the relative probably doesn't know what they're talking about. Are THEY an expert in your hobby? Were THEY great at this hobby from day one, or did they improve over a long period of time? Some hobbies need practice to improve. You might want to take a step back and reassess how much time and money you're investing in the hobby, or whether or not you could improve in any way with extra practice, concrit, etc. but in the end it's all down to you. Do you like what you're doing? Is what you're doing harming anyone else or harming yourself (financially, or emotionally or whatever) in some way?

What do you want out of this hobby, success or fun?

[cenobitic_anchorite]

Their penchant for honesty doesn't make them automatically correct. If it's something you enjoy doing and have had heart doing it, keep doing it.

[(Anonymous)]

True. Being honest doesn't mean everything you say is factually true, it just means you *believe* it to be true. An honest opinion is still an opinion.

[grausam]

Yeah, I won't sugarcoat. Everyone has talents and anti-talents when it comes to skills. It's not any different with skills that contribute to hobbies. We're bound to be shitty at some. Others will learn to improve, while we will have to learn to counterbalance our shitty innate abilities.

Now, it could be that their standard for "good" is different than yours, so their estimation can be dismissed. That would be nice, of course. Frankly even if they're being honest they might not be an expert, or know your dedication. Plus, I'm often proud of what I make regardless of the quality. I like what I create, especially if I have no ambition or pressure to excel at it. Maybe you can feel the same, even if their estimation hurts now.

If you find yourself agreeing completely, then it's probably best to move your goal if it's affecting you. Either find another hobby, or better, find help that will teach you tricks and tools that need no great skill. Tell yourself that the end goal isn't getting "good" at this.
Obviously you want to have fun, but honing a skill is also character-building.
Patience, dedication, concentration, an eye for detail or rhythm, fresh air, knowledge, company etc etc whatever your hobby is, you'll always get results that are not just the product that make it worth it.

op

[(Anonymous)]

got called away for some bs, so addressing everything now...

Always had a good relationship with this person. No reason to assume they'd lie to put me down. It's an art thing. It's one of many recent failures, not only in said art field, but other hobbies and life in general. I am not jumping to conclusions by saying I suck at everything. I don't enjoy failing repeatedly as a hobby, generally speaking. It's only fun if I can figure out how to successfully do the thing. I'm not giving up at one try. I'm fucking screwing it up every single time. I know I have to get better. I'm not getting better. Thanks for telling me I'm overreacting, though, that really helped a bunch.

Re: op

[(Anonymous)]

but if it's just a hobby you shouldn't have to be perfect at it. hobbies are just activities you do for fun to pass time and de-stress. it's not meant to be a job.

I know how you feel.

[raspberryrain]

You're not failing, though. You're just not a master yet. It takes more practice.

Re: op

[(Anonymous)]

People telling you that you're overreacting are trying to reassure you, in a way. What exactly were you expecting or wanting as a response? Agreement?

Re: op

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, but here's the thing... sometimes even people who like you can say awfully discouraging things with the best intentions. They shouldn't, but they do. If it's art, have you taken any formal classes in it? Have you thought about concrete ways in which you could improve and how you could pursue those ways?


Also, most of the thread was very thoughtful advice/questions given the sparse information you provided, so I'm not sure why you're being pissy about it. If you're determined to just throw up your hands and declare everything in your life a failure, then that's unfortunate but the internet strangers here don't have to agree that it's really that hopeless.

Re: op

[(Anonymous)]

op, i think your issue is more overarching than just "i keep failing at this art."

i think it's about your thinking, and the way you're perceiving the world.

consider this: almost every single person in this thread has told you that you are overreacting a bit and beating yourself up too much. that you not being good at a hobby DOES NOT mean bad at all the hobbies forever and ever until the end of time, amen.

you then respond that everyone else must be wrong.

do you see what's happening here? you're clinging to this idea that your perception of yourself (as an absolute failure) is correct, even to evidence to the contrary.

what if you are wrong, OP? and by wrong, i don't mean broken or bad or a failure. by wrong, i mean, what if you are making a logical and emotional error in your thinking?

what if you're not that bad? okay, say this person is correct that your art isn't good. that just means it's not good NOW. that says NOTHING about your future. is this person psychic? are you pyschic? no?

then it's entirely possible for you to improve with progress. everyone can do this. that includes you.

OP, i wish i could find you the quote about "the gap". it discusses how many artists experience a gap between their skills, and their appreciation of art. and it takes a long time and many failures to close that gap. improvement isn't overnight.

you need to give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up over it. and you need to challenge that critical voice in your head that is telling you you're failure. otherwise you never WILL make art.

the fear of never attempting in the first place should be scarier than the fear of making mistakes.

Re: op

[(Anonymous)]

" Thanks for telling me I'm overreacting, though, that really helped a bunch."

I get that you're upset and frustrated, but this is not a helpful attitude for anyone to have.

There is no such thing as perfection. If you strive for that, then you'll never be satisfied.

I'm beginning to suspect your reliable relative is tired of seeing you be miserable at something you supposedly enjoy. It's not about the art, it's about the hell you're putting yourself through in trying to achieve "the" desired result.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm going to tell you a sad little cliched secret, but it's true, anon. People who are defeatist about everything rarely succeed at anything. It's because they undermine their own success by thinking that failure is a given, so they don't try anywhere near as hard as they could or should.