fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3209 ]

[ SECRET POST #3209 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3209 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 054 secrets from Secret Submission Post #459.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If you're the common denominator everywhere, then...

nayrt

it's pretty shitty that in the last thread and evidently this one, most people jumped on this anon telling them that it's obviously their fault that nobody likes them

It's ok, I know it's true. I just wish I knew why.

NAYRT - Unless you're a sociopathic ax-murderer, I really would not jump to that. It could be that you're just having trouble finding the right "people." I've been there, so I know.

Is there any way you can straight-up ask these RL friends? Are you close enough with one of them? Maybe you're giving off the wrong vibes somehow. I think I was for a very long time. But it may also be that you haven't found your "people," as I said above.

As far as online friends go, online friendships can be as fickle as hell. Which sucks, but it's probably not you. They're doing it to each other.

clearly I don't know you, OP, but I have people in my life and I know why they can't keep friends, online or otherwise. all I can say is, check yourself. do you do things like:

take credit for things you didn't have a hand in (positive or negative)
refuse to accept fault when you mess up, even in little things
bail consistently when people have asked you to commit to a thing
ask everyone else to play by your rules or your schedule for going out/doing things, but refuse to bend to their rules or schedule in turn
talk over people as if you're an expert in everything but not listen when others are talking
throw tantrums or create drama bombs over insignificant conflicts
vaguebook
make excuses as to why you can't or won't do a thing that push blame onto others?

every person I know who has alienated groups of friends repeatedly has been guilty of several of these narcissistic behaviors all at once. in my experience, if you're at the point where you notice that people genuinely don't want to be around you, there is a reason. you have to be able to see past your own nose and be honest with yourself if you want to find it, let alone correct it.

What is vaguebooking?

"i can't believe what some of 'my friends' said today. i'm glad i know who my /real/ friends are."

That is a good list. I've ended friendships for reasons like that. Not dramatically or with a big fight or anything, but I've drifted away and maybe not bothered to stay in touch with people who were, frankly, not very considerate people and therefore not great friends. To that I'd add more behaviors that I found alienating:

* lack of consideration: people who expect me to drop everything and see to their emotional needs right away, but suddenly have no time to help me out when I need help.
* no reciprocity: I'm not going to keep strict track of everything, but if I'm always the one who initiates communication or makes plans, that gets old fast. I'd like to think that if we're friends and you want to hang out, you'll pick up the phone or e-mail once in a while without me doing it first.
* emotionally needy: Look, everyone's got problems at some point. But I'm wary of people who have a fresh new drama every week because either they're the unluckiest people in the world, or more likely, they create their own problems. At the very least, understand that people have their own lives and problems, too, they don't owe you 100% of their attention every single time you've got an issue.
* refusal to accept responsibility for anything: If you screw up, apologize and be accountable and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. Don't make excuses or blame everything on someone else. Do what you said you'd do, and if you're not sure you can do X, don't tell people you'll do X. If you keep making the same mistakes over and over, your apology means less and less because I know then that you're not actually sorry.
* dragging me into their problems: I'm happy to help out friends who need it, but when problems are self created (such as an untreated mental health issue), then there's only so much I can do. You're depressed? I'm very sorry. I know how shitty that is to deal with. But if you're not going to get help, you simply cannot expect all your friends to put up with your crap just because you're depressed. If you're actively seeking help and pursuing therapy, then I'm cool with that. But if you're avoiding therapy and using your friends as your combo punching bag/dumping ground, then no.

You know, even if there is hypothetically something anon is doing that deters some people, that does NOT mean they've done a thing wrong. Sometimes it's hard to find people who "work" with us. It's harder for me to find RL friends because my interests are very different than a lot of people's. Does it hurt a little sometimes? Sure. It doesn't mean I'm wrong, nor does it mean they're wrong, for that matter.

So let's not dog OP.

It was pretty shitty of OP to act all condescending towards people who manage to maintain online relationships and to accuse their friends of being shitty without questioning their own behavior too.

I didn't think I was acting condescending to anyone. Maybe that's my problem.

But my friends were being shitty, even if I was too.

NAYRT - I mean, maybe you could've worded it a bit differently, since it did sound a bit like you were implying something was wrong with online friendships. But it was clear to me you were upset and no one words things to perfection when they're upset, and it took me a fraction of a second to figure out what you meant.

Your actual quote: "I'm through with making friends online. The last generation was right, online friends aren't real friends. Every "friend" I've made online has turned on me and left me for no good reason. But luckily, unlike most people to espouse the wonders of online friendship, I have plenty of real life friends."

Source: http://fandomsecrets.dreamwidth.org/1298661.html?thread=867452133#cmt867452133

I've underlined the parts that were sneery and/or condescending. In order, they were:

1) the implication that because you had bad luck in online friends, there is no such thing as online friends
2) everyone who's had success at making friends online must have no friends in real life, unlike you

If you're truly that unaware of how you sound, then I think this might be a clue as to why your friendships are flagging, both on and offline.

Surprise surprise, but if you've had a bad experience, especially recent, you're pretty likely to exaggerate and be bitter towards people who have it better.

Don't tell me you've never said dumb things or overgeneralized when you've vented before.

Best thing to do when someone vents is to lend an ear, not tell them it's their fault.

Not OP That's the one thing I don't like about F!S. People ask questions on question threads, someone inevitably calls them a moron. People vent on vent threads, someone inevitably tells them they deserve it.

Just... don't read threads if they piss you off that much.

SA

This is really confrontational and I apologize. I'm frustrated how quickly f!s can dogpile someone if they don't phrase something exactly right and they're just here to vent, not you in particular.

I get annoyed too. Especially when you reword and they just ignore you, or continue to dogpile because they don't read the clarification. Sigh.

Though I don't think it's just F!S. Once you've said the "wrong" thing on the internet, everyone refuses to listen.

OP admitted in a recent secret that they had a habit of "antagonizing" their friends and burning bridges, thereby ending friendships. Their words, not mine. Whose fault do you think that is?

Wait what? I didn't make a secret like that. I was just talking about a comment I made in a vent thread the other day.

Yes, I already admitted that when I said "I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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