fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3209 ]

[ SECRET POST #3209 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3209 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 054 secrets from Secret Submission Post #459.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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Anon who complained about online friends a few days ago, here. I take back my silver lining about having friends in real life, at least. They're tweeting about doing something today and I didn't get invited. I've been crying all day. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

If you're the common denominator everywhere, then...

nayrt

it's pretty shitty that in the last thread and evidently this one, most people jumped on this anon telling them that it's obviously their fault that nobody likes them

It's ok, I know it's true. I just wish I knew why.

NAYRT - Unless you're a sociopathic ax-murderer, I really would not jump to that. It could be that you're just having trouble finding the right "people." I've been there, so I know.

Is there any way you can straight-up ask these RL friends? Are you close enough with one of them? Maybe you're giving off the wrong vibes somehow. I think I was for a very long time. But it may also be that you haven't found your "people," as I said above.

As far as online friends go, online friendships can be as fickle as hell. Which sucks, but it's probably not you. They're doing it to each other.

clearly I don't know you, OP, but I have people in my life and I know why they can't keep friends, online or otherwise. all I can say is, check yourself. do you do things like:

take credit for things you didn't have a hand in (positive or negative)
refuse to accept fault when you mess up, even in little things
bail consistently when people have asked you to commit to a thing
ask everyone else to play by your rules or your schedule for going out/doing things, but refuse to bend to their rules or schedule in turn
talk over people as if you're an expert in everything but not listen when others are talking
throw tantrums or create drama bombs over insignificant conflicts
vaguebook
make excuses as to why you can't or won't do a thing that push blame onto others?

every person I know who has alienated groups of friends repeatedly has been guilty of several of these narcissistic behaviors all at once. in my experience, if you're at the point where you notice that people genuinely don't want to be around you, there is a reason. you have to be able to see past your own nose and be honest with yourself if you want to find it, let alone correct it.

What is vaguebooking?

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2015-10-17 21:56 (UTC) - Expand

That is a good list. I've ended friendships for reasons like that. Not dramatically or with a big fight or anything, but I've drifted away and maybe not bothered to stay in touch with people who were, frankly, not very considerate people and therefore not great friends. To that I'd add more behaviors that I found alienating:

* lack of consideration: people who expect me to drop everything and see to their emotional needs right away, but suddenly have no time to help me out when I need help.
* no reciprocity: I'm not going to keep strict track of everything, but if I'm always the one who initiates communication or makes plans, that gets old fast. I'd like to think that if we're friends and you want to hang out, you'll pick up the phone or e-mail once in a while without me doing it first.
* emotionally needy: Look, everyone's got problems at some point. But I'm wary of people who have a fresh new drama every week because either they're the unluckiest people in the world, or more likely, they create their own problems. At the very least, understand that people have their own lives and problems, too, they don't owe you 100% of their attention every single time you've got an issue.
* refusal to accept responsibility for anything: If you screw up, apologize and be accountable and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. Don't make excuses or blame everything on someone else. Do what you said you'd do, and if you're not sure you can do X, don't tell people you'll do X. If you keep making the same mistakes over and over, your apology means less and less because I know then that you're not actually sorry.
* dragging me into their problems: I'm happy to help out friends who need it, but when problems are self created (such as an untreated mental health issue), then there's only so much I can do. You're depressed? I'm very sorry. I know how shitty that is to deal with. But if you're not going to get help, you simply cannot expect all your friends to put up with your crap just because you're depressed. If you're actively seeking help and pursuing therapy, then I'm cool with that. But if you're avoiding therapy and using your friends as your combo punching bag/dumping ground, then no.

You know, even if there is hypothetically something anon is doing that deters some people, that does NOT mean they've done a thing wrong. Sometimes it's hard to find people who "work" with us. It's harder for me to find RL friends because my interests are very different than a lot of people's. Does it hurt a little sometimes? Sure. It doesn't mean I'm wrong, nor does it mean they're wrong, for that matter.

So let's not dog OP.

It was pretty shitty of OP to act all condescending towards people who manage to maintain online relationships and to accuse their friends of being shitty without questioning their own behavior too.

I didn't think I was acting condescending to anyone. Maybe that's my problem.

But my friends were being shitty, even if I was too.

NAYRT - I mean, maybe you could've worded it a bit differently, since it did sound a bit like you were implying something was wrong with online friendships. But it was clear to me you were upset and no one words things to perfection when they're upset, and it took me a fraction of a second to figure out what you meant.

Your actual quote: "I'm through with making friends online. The last generation was right, online friends aren't real friends. Every "friend" I've made online has turned on me and left me for no good reason. But luckily, unlike most people to espouse the wonders of online friendship, I have plenty of real life friends."

Source: http://fandomsecrets.dreamwidth.org/1298661.html?thread=867452133#cmt867452133

I've underlined the parts that were sneery and/or condescending. In order, they were:

1) the implication that because you had bad luck in online friends, there is no such thing as online friends
2) everyone who's had success at making friends online must have no friends in real life, unlike you

If you're truly that unaware of how you sound, then I think this might be a clue as to why your friendships are flagging, both on and offline.

Surprise surprise, but if you've had a bad experience, especially recent, you're pretty likely to exaggerate and be bitter towards people who have it better.

Don't tell me you've never said dumb things or overgeneralized when you've vented before.

Best thing to do when someone vents is to lend an ear, not tell them it's their fault.

Re: complaints/whining thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-10-17 21:13 (UTC) - Expand

Re: complaints/whining thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-10-17 21:13 (UTC) - Expand

Re: complaints/whining thread

(Anonymous) - 2015-10-17 21:18 (UTC) - Expand

OP admitted in a recent secret that they had a habit of "antagonizing" their friends and burning bridges, thereby ending friendships. Their words, not mine. Whose fault do you think that is?

Wait what? I didn't make a secret like that. I was just talking about a comment I made in a vent thread the other day.

Yes, I already admitted that when I said "I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

You're probably making a bigger deal of it than it is. Lonely people tend to do it - I read it in an article. People feeling lonely do it too, I guess...

Edited 2015-10-17 21:19 (UTC)

"Awww, I saw you guys did X last weekend, that sounds fun. Let me know the next time you're going, I'd love to try that!"

It's the most you can do without sounding needy or horning in on a group activity. Do not, under any circumstances, send any passive aggressive messages about "I wished you'd invited me, too. :( :( :(" Even if you succeed at making them feel guilty for excluding you (whether it's accidental or not), people don't like to be guilt tripped. You'll alienate them further.

Are your friends obligated to only hang out with the entire group? It's normal for friends to occasionally split off into smaller groups for an event, and it could be you're taking this a little personally. Unless you have actual evidence that you were purposefully, maliciously excluded, it might be a little premature to freak out.

yes this is good advice too.

don't internalize or personalize a slight if you don't actually know a slight was made. it snowballs, next thing you know you're vaguebooking about how no one likes you and then, surprise surprise, no one does like you for that very reason.

This. We all know someone who interprets innocuous things as personal slights, then throws a hissy fit over how they've been wronged. Maybe you don't invite someone to the movies because you heard them say they didn't want to see it, or because superhero flicks aren't their thing. Maybe you thought they already had plans. Maybe it was spur of the moment. But then that person texts you with a big ranty whine about how horrible you are for excluding them and you think... well, I know who I don't want to hang out with next weekend.

You're not doing anything wrong! Sometimes smaller groups of friend circles congregate. This one gathering does not make or break a friendship*

Can you go do something for yourself? A walk in the park, watch a movie? Hell, maybe even join meetup.com and find a local group that shares interests and go to one of those, make some more friends. The more friends you build, especially outside of your current group, the less insecure you're going to feel about your "worth".

*although if it was a pattern I'd be worried.

Is this a one time thing, or do they regularly exclude you for reasons you can't figure out? If it's a one time thing, then I think maybe your perspective is a bit skewed at the moment. It feels bad, there's no disputing that. But it feels bad because you're at a low point and EVERYTHING feels bad and like a personal attack, not because it really is something terrible. Does that make sense?

When friendships fail, it's usually not a mystery, tbh. The reason why they're mysterious to some people is... well, I'm sorry, but it's usually because the person in question is oblivious to the cause(s). Are you a good friend to people? Do you try to emulate the kind of person you'd like to have as a friend? Are you reliable, trustworthy? Do you reciprocate when people do nice things for you?

If this happened once, I wouldn't freak out about it. It doesn't have to mean anything, and though I get the inclination to jump to the worst possible conclusion it might not be personal.

If it starts happening on a regular basis then I'd think about asking them what's going on, or suggest an outing yourself and see if they seem up for it.

Honestly, between this and the previous thread, you're coming off as pretty clingy and melodramatic. A friend isn't a conjoined twin. They're not obligated to take you everywhere, and it's normal and healthy to do things apart, either as smaller subsets of a larger friends group, or with other groups of friends entirely.

Maybe the thing they're doing is their thing together. Maybe you said something that made them think you weren't interested/were too busy/were broke. Maybe they could only score two tickets. Maybe they just feel like hanging out together because that's the dynamic they want right now. Chances are, whatever their reasons are, it's not really about you - not inviting someone along is rarely about specifically excluding that person.

It's perfectly fair to feel a little disappointed if it's something you wanted to do, but crying all day and deciding it means your friends aren't really your friends is a serious overreaction. If it's a reaction you have a lot, there's a good chance other people are picking up on it even if you think you're being subtle, and that's going to push them away. You need to find a way to get yourself out of that mindset. Talking to a counselor might help, if you have access to one.

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