fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3234 ]

[ SECRET POST #3234 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3234 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

[Golden Girls]

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02.

[Boku no Hero Academia]

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03.

[C.S. Lewis vs. J.R.R. Tolkien]

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04.

[Pokémon, Leah Remini]

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05.

[Tales of Zestiria]

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06.

[The Man In The High Castle]

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07.

[Marjorie Liu, Sana Takeda, Monstress]

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08.

[Sleepy Hollow]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 020 secrets from Secret Submission Post #462.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 2 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Suicide Anon here again.

That feeling when, after reading a bunch of literature (and deciding to postpone the start of therapy because my insurance is changing next year, so there isn't much point in choosing a psychiatrist I may not be able to see after December), you come to the realization that you were the victim of a predatory covert narcissist.

She fits the profile like a well-tailored suit. The pathological need to present herself as a victim. The almost Mary-Sue like past where she was abused by everyone she ever encountered (but somehow never seeming any worse for wear). The fake vulnerability, presenting herself as an emotionally fragile person (and thus making those around her feel needed). The projection (she's demonized other people for the exact same behavior she engages in).

I feel so...stupid. For falling for it.

I know it's not fair to call myself that, because (at least according to the literature) these are people who have perfected their techniques for taking advantage of the empathy and compassion of other people. But I still feel like on some level I should've seen it coming.

Besides stupid, I feel angry. So angry. I want to punch things. And at the same time, a part of me is like "she was such a piece of shit, why are you even upset? Just be glad she's gone!"

Has anybody else had to kick somebody out like this? Is this kind of being-angry-at-yourself-even-though-you-know-it's-not-really-your-fault thing normal?

Don't blame yourself, is all I can - it's insidious because it's not overt abuse, but rather manipulative and subtle - hell, they might even believe it themselves.

She might not even realize she's doing it. Many of those kinds of people buy 100% into their own persona and truly believe they are the victim. So don't necessarily feel stupid or like you got fooled. More like you had to deal with a mentally unsound person for a while.

Yup.

OP, it's a good bet that she believes her own lies, which is part of why she's so convincing. I know you already know this on some level, but just to reiterate -- it's not at all your fault, and you are not stupid. And in some ways, you're coming out ahead, because now you're in a position to be able to spot that type of person in the future.

). The fake vulnerability, presenting herself as an emotionally fragile person (and thus making those around her feel needed). The projection (she's demonized other people for the exact same behavior she engages in).

That sounds... so, so familiar. Needless to say, you're not the only one. I know why you feel bad but the literature is right; those people are skillful. :/

Feels familiar for me too.

...I'm lucky I cut an ex-friend like that out of my life.

Sorry anon, sounds like you're going through some rough times.

I haven't had personal experience with this specific situation but I do think beating yourself up when you feel you've missed something obvious (especially when it comes to relationships) is extremely common. It isn't good (As you've said, you don't deserve any blame, you didn't do anything wrong and this person must be quite skilled at manipulation), but I hope you don't feel abnormal; it happens.

And yes, anger is natural too, especially if you're hurt and betrayed. Maybe with time some of that anger will fade away.

Good luck with everything.

you were dating Vriska? um...

Suicide Anon here

...Who's Vriska?

A fictional character who acts a Lot like your ex.

Oh. That's...kinda creepy since this person I cut off has a penchant for dating and marrying fictional characters (not even playing, she's dead serious about it).

We weren't dating, either. She was just a friend. But she put more demands on me than my real ex-gf.

I never dated anyone like this, but someone like this did give birth to me. I've also had a "friend" like this once. I'm not in contact with either one and I believe I made the right decision, even though there is some guilt (society says OMG, how can you CUT OFF FAMILY! because FAMILY! which isn't helpful in the least).

To be honest, I think the reason you can't "just" get over it is that you were around them for so long, falling for the BS, letting them get under your skin and sharing so much with them. It fucking sucks, because you feel like you wasted your time on someone who couldn't reciprocate an ounce of fucking respect for you. Time that you could have spent with a person who genuinely cared about you, with someone you could have had better memories with. It hurts. It sucks. Psychologically and emotionally, it cuts deep. It takes time to heal, and even then, there can be scars, or those little moments that sneak up on you, reminding you of the bad stuff.

Being pissed off in general is normal. Pissed at yourself? Also normal. The worst kinds of narcissists are serial charmers, but when they get ugly, oh, it's damn ugly. The good thing is you'll be able to recognize the signs next time. Your senses may be in overdrive for a while, and I think that's normal too. Just don't let that dictate how you deal with new people (keep it there in the back of your mind, certainly, but remember there are varying degrees of narcissism, not all of them as crazy destructive as what you were subjected to).

Perfectly normal. Even when you were tricked by someone who is by nature a predator, you still feel upset and angry at yourself and hurt that you couldn't save yourself from it. You already know it's not your fault, but let this be a reassurance. Narcissists trick people. It's what they do. Many of them are charismatic and persuasive and they take advantage of the fact that people (like you) are generally good at heart and want to help. It's not bad or wrong to be vulnerable like this, it's just human.

I went through a similar thing with my dad. How could I not see it? Why didn't I do/say something sooner? The anger is normal, totally expected, and completely valid and normal. Just keep reminding yourself that you are not at fault and there is nothing you could have done differently. <3

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Something similiar happened to me, and it messed me up for a long time.

It's better to feel angry than to feel guilty about cutting the person out of your life.
My abuser did this whole "all my previous friends always abandoned me based on tiny mistakes, you won't be like that, right?" thing since the beginning. Once she got caught doing something bad to us the first time, she apologised, but also accused us of planning to abandon her, and not allowing "one single mistake". She also started her next round of manipulation right as she was apologising for the first one.

I kept finding out she had manipulated me more, getting angry, forgiving, finding out more. Eventually I had to cut all ties, because it was clear to me that any time I acted benign towards her, she would take advantage of, and use against me, and try to use me to hurt other people I cared about. She saw people as her tools when she thought they were "on her side", and if we weren't, she tried to drag everyone down enough times that, eventually, someone other than her would land the guilty side up.

But cutting her out meant she got to be right about the whole "I knew you were like everyone else and abandoned me for making one mistake" thing. I blamed myself a lot for having to do that - she took a pretty hard fall, when many people cut her out at the same time, and she lost her narcissistic supply. For me, the anger about getting tricked, feeling stupid, was better, because it didn't make me feel as terrible as the guilt.

But eventually it's good to let go of the anger. I don't think it can be done before you really work through it, or before something else comes along that becomes a bigger focus for your life. However, don't hold onto the anger just for the sake of being angry. The anger works best as a road to being in the kind of an emotional state, where you can be more content again. The anger is something you feel in order to eventually stop feeling it.

But yeah, it's normal. This person played a trick on your mind, and people are pretty attached to their minds, and don't like finding out that someone secretly made a mess there, and now, suddenly, a lot of perceptions amd emotions have to be rearranged, since they apparently were misplaced, and that misplacement has probably caused a lot of difficulties already.

I think for me it got better once I got a clearer picture of what had already happened, kinda like the fake perceptions got overwritten by more accurate ones, and I no longer had to feel like I was on a wobbly ground with how I saw these situations.

People have to have some kind of a comfort zone in how they perceive the world, because otherwise we'd have to doubt ourselves all the time, which is really taxing. It's good to expand that comfort zone, get out of it sometimes, but feeling like you've been suddenly tossed completely out of it, without your own permission, is very disorientating and probably scary. It's the kind of a situation that makes people feel stupid and vulnerable and doubtful. Anger is a pretty understandable reaction to that.

Remember, however, that these people take advantage of other people's empathy, and empathy itself is a good and important thing to have. She used or tricked you because you had something good to give, kind of like a thief stealing something because it's valuable. It's not your fault. And at least empathy can be renewable, you can still have it even after your abuser tricked you into giving it to her.

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[ SECRET POST #3234 ]

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