fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3266 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3266 ⌋

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I feel like it's sort of important to have this conversation, though.

I can get being stressed out with work, but this is the sort of issue you (both) deserve to take time for. Does he know you're depressed at all?

I think he has an idea, yes. He's just not good at talking things over though. In the past (15 years) I sit down and calmly tell him things like this and his response is to nod and say 'okay', sit silently for a while as if he's thinking about it and then to walk off.

I... don't want to tell you your business, but he doesn't sound like good boyfriend OR husband material, anon. Take it from someone who's been happily married for 10+ years, you want a partner who has your back in good times and bad. Any problems or issues you have right now in your relationship will likely get worse with time, not better. Especially when your fiance doesn't seem the type to even recognize that there's a problem. But honestly, I'm guessing you know this already and it might be part of why you're feeling so isolated and depressed right now.

You're not wrong, anon. It's not helping. I just don't think there is anyone out there like that for me. I don't communicate well with people and I've been trying for a long time.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your butt by saying there's somebody for everyone out there. Maybe there is, but a lot of people never meet their "someone". What I will say is: DON'T SETTLE. So many people think that being in a mediocre relationship is better than being alone, but I don't think that's true. All relationships have pros and cons, it's just that the pluses outweigh the minuses if you're in the right relationship. In the wrong relationship, there are more minuses than pluses, and that will wear you down until you don't have the energy to leave a bad situation.

Thank you for the advice, anon. I know you're right and to be honest, there's part of me wondering if I am settling. But I can't get a read on my own emotions at all at the moment it's like a void, as overdramatic as that sounds.

Thanks again.

Not overdramatic at all, it makes sense because depression is like that. In cases like this, take care of yourself first. Forget wedding planning if it's going to be a drain on your precious emotional resources. You want a wedding and a marriage that will be a source of happiness, not anxiety. Be healthy first, and best wishes to you.

NAYRT - The thing is... you may not feel you can get a read on them because you don't have anyone else to sound out to. Does that make any sense?

And you may feel there's no one else, but the thing is, you said you've been having suicidal thoughts. That is no small thing.

I know this might be a confrontational question, but - do you love him?

Yes, very much so. He tries really hard, it's not for want of effort on his part that we have these problems. And in day to day stuff he's definitely the rock of the household, he's the more realistic one, etc. It's just when it comes to emotional minefields, or sorting out problems that we have massive communication issues.

He'd be a good father too, and considering my own father was abusive that is something that is worth its weight in gold to me.

Honestly you sound like you are a good match but the communication might be something to work on? maybe even with a counselor, if that is something you're open to and can afford.

Depression can be a hard thing to understand for those who do not experience it, but I do think he should try to grasp the notion if he's marrying someone who suffers from it.

(Also, OP, please don't have babies when you're in a depression. And when you do, be aware you're at higher risk for post-partum depression, so make sure you already have someone you trust who had your back in case that happens).

Obviously I don't know you, but from your brief replies it sounds like you're pretending everything it okay, and...well, it isn't. And it's alright to admit that. Especially to the man you love.

(P.s. sorry about you dad)

Edited 2015-12-13 23:15 (UTC)

Obviously I don't know you, but from your brief replies it sounds like you're pretending everything it okay, and...well, it isn't. And it's alright to admit that. Especially to the man you love.

Yeah, I think it's time to get my head out of the sand and at the very least talk to him about it (or try) and look into antidepressants.

Thank you for all your advice. Especially about kids. I very much want kids, and it hadn't really occurred to me how much my mindset might screw that up. It's definitely the impetus I need to go to my GP.

Lots to think about. Thanks again.

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