fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3272 ]

[ SECRET POST #3272 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3272 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 060 secrets from Secret Submission Post #468.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've known my SO for 6 years and lived with him for 4. He recently proposed to me; after about two years of talking about this, there was no question I'd accept. I'm happy, of course--I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this man--but I think I'm the person who's least enthusiastic/i> about being actually engaged. He's looking forward to throwing a giant party where he can stand up and tell the world he loves me; I'm looking forward to being able to put him on my health insurance.

So for people here who have gotten hitched, did you feel any different afterwards or not? I feel weird that I don't feel different already, and I just want to see what other people have experienced.

Mawwiage, that sacwed bond..

Full disclosure, I'm not hitched, never have been, haven't even had a relationship longer than 3 months and even then, not in at least three years.

First of all, congratulations on your engagement, OP. That's awesome.

With all of that out of the way, I think what you're feeling sounds perfectly natural & healthy. Weddings are exciting and fun, but you genuinely love him, and that's important. I think a lot of people get hung up on your wedding day being the most important day of their lives that they forget about the day to day stuff & all of the work that goes into keeping a relationship in mind. At least from this post, it sounds like y'all have a solid relationship and that while the wedding is going to be a blast, it's not going to be the height of the relationship itself. And that's honestly the way I think it should be, at least.

It's okay to be most excited about the practical things. That doesn't mean you're defective. Feelings are subjective.

Honestly, one of the reasons I chose to respond despite not having the qualifications you're looking for is because the way you're describing your feelings regarding the engagement remind me of how I feel about my birthday every year. When I was a kid, my birthday was the best, one of my favorite days of the year. Now that I'm older, I still love my birthday just as much and get really excited, but it's more internal and I don't like to shout it from the rooftops and share it with everybody. Additionally, birthdays feel like just another day and there's always a chance I'll forget it's my birthday upon waking up until I look at a calendar or get a text from a friend.

TL;DR: I think your feelings are natural and you're not weird for having them. Congrats on the engagement & good luck with the marriage.

I'm not married, and it's not something I ever actually wanted, or would be enthusiastic about...while I do like being with another person, and romance and all the lil' fluffy things.

To me it would never be worth the money (oh and having to correct people that no, I'm not taking his name and no, we're not having kids...so meh).

I can see reasons why I might do it (inheritance issues when older, or immigration issues like my parents did). But if I did I'd just go for a small courthouse event, maybe drinks after, not even a white dress.

Yeah, coming in late again. You're not necessarily off the hook on the kids question. My ex's family, the SECOND time they met me, asked us when we were going to have kids. After I internally picked my jaw up off the floor, because my ex's family is super conservative, of the sort that my ex ranted about how they gossiped about other people having "kids out of wedlock." I tried to explain to my ex-MIL that I can't have kids because pregnancy could kill me (which is true), but she was having none of it. When my ex was halfway to the car, she caught me by the arm to tell me how much better I'd feel once I had a baby, and God would take care of everything. Oh, and she'd be praying for me to get pregnant.

I may have spent that car ride home ranting at top volume and saying if that bitch prayed me pregnant, I was sending her the bill for the abortion. Several years later, when I told my sister about this (mind, my sister is Mormon), she told me I should've printed a fake bill and sent it to her. My sister is sometimes more devious than I am.

But yeah. We weren't married. We'd been together less than a year. And they were asking when we were gonna start popping out kids. FFS.

Oh, trust me I know.

I think my bf's mother still dislikes me for being the woman "responsible" for her son not having bought a house and having babies, never mind he's more opposed to it than i am.

But at least random strangers are less pushy when the know you're not married.

In my case, I've been well-liked by my former in-laws and my to-be in-laws. I don't get shit; my partners, on the other hand, do. I have no freaking clue why this is, but at least I've managed to restore some measure of a relationship between my husband's parents, him, and his daughters. I do know how to work people better, and I don't mean in a bad way. Both my ex and my husband are on the spectrum and they do not people very well. I'm on the spectrum myself but as I've put it, I have an internal social rulebook that is very comprehensive. But it still broke my heart to have my husband's 21yr old daughter glomp me crying and thanking me for bringing back the Nana she remembered and loved and missed. :-\

That's sorta rambly, but I've been up 24hrs at this point sooo. >_>

I've had the total strangers asking, too. It's bizarre. My MIL-to-be is the FIRST that HASN'T said anything about kids, and that's likely because my husband (clarification: I refer to him as that because we had a non-legally-binding handfasting ceremony) has already had two daughters, now adults, and is snipped. It's *possible* to reverse that but it's not likely to be effective given he had it done in the late 90s. But I told her about my medical issues and that kids were not going to be a thing for us, and she understood.

Granted, kids WILL be a thing with my fiancee and boyfriend, who are trying for baby. My fiancee lost a baby at 27wks in the NICU 5yrs ago; I flew out as soon as I could after that, but I'm still pissed off at my ex-partner and ex-boyfriend who argued and badgered when Omi was first hospitalized at about 22wks. I had a feeling I needed to be there, and I was looking up flight prices but they convinced me that it wasn't necessary and I wouldn't have a solid return date and that it would be more expensive because one way tickets are about the same price etc etc etc. She and I were involved at that point, long distance, and I should've been there. Sigh.

But, this is about the only situation I'd consider kids in. We've got five people in the household, which means that I am not going to be by any stretch of the imagination the primary caregiver, which would have been the case with my ex-partner. Two disabled people and kids, yeah, no. I said many years back that the only way I'd consider it was if a) I was in a poly relationship and there were multiple people available to help care for kiddo and b) I would not be the one pregnant (because of aforementioned possible death, and if I didn't, 50/50 chance of both my major medical issues being permanently worsened. Noooooope. I didn't think it was ever going to happen but, welp.

It's still not an omg must have kids thing for me though. I love my fiancee and because it is her child, I will love the little one, and likely participate a fair amount in childcare. If she didn't want kids, though, that'd be fine too. I don't have a strong preference one way or the other, I guess... just as long as it's not ME being pregnant.

The bf and I have sort of shit cards in that sense since he's the firstborn son - and I'm the 3rd in line of only daughters on my mother's side, and effectively the only one who could have passed on the family name on my father's side.

I'm the last leaf on an already dying tree, so to speak.

My bf's only sibling who wishes to have kids converted to Islam and married a into the faith, so that's a little family drama all of itself, and he's got two other siblings who do not want kids, then two more half-siblings who are too young to know really.

We're also both in the "gifted" spectrum so everyone's like "omg you must have baybieees to many stupid people reproducing already".

Basically everyone wants us to breed except us.

I'm not sure I could have a child in the household, eve if it wasn't mine. I'm not even sure I could handle 4 adults. I've handled 4 at some point - it depends on the size of the house, I guess. I need a lot of me time.

Well, after being together so long and living together and all, getting married at this point won't hardly change anything, so i'm not surprised....? It's not uncommon. And to answer your question....

No. I really didn't feel any different, and in hindsight, wished we'd gone for a lot simpler wedding and whatnot (I mean, it probably cost 3000 bucks total or something, but it was in a church, there was a reception there.... I wish we'd have got married at my parent's house out in the country, in summer, and then everybody could have just ate bbq and gone swimming.)

My only advice - take ANY and ALL pictures that you possibly can BEFORE ANY CEREMONY HAPPENS. Because immediately afterward, you're going to want to be with your new spouse, and enjoy your family and friends; eat, relax, laugh, dance, whatever. Not run off and pose in boring photos while your guests get bored and want to go home.

Agreed about the photos. We did them before the ceremony and it was so much better. It also gave my husband a chance to get over his stage fright before the ceremony.

Hee! That's a good thing.

I'm not married and I don't plan on getting hitched, but I just want to say that I think it's really sweet that the thing you're looking forward to is putting him on your insurance. A few of my married friends felt the same way you do during their engagements, but they're all happy to be married and are living good lives.

Thanks, everyone. I feel a lot better about how I feel!

Congratulations, OP! I didn't feel very different after getting engaged/married, no. Both my partner and I had known we would get married so it wasn't a surprise. Neither of us like making a big fuss so we had a small wedding. What I looked forward to most was moving in together, since we weren't living in the same place prior to marriage.

It's not weird to feel differently about it, especially when you guys have been in a longterm relationship for years already and not much about your relationship is changing except your status on paper. Don't buy into the hype that a wedding has to be some total life changing moment or it's a failure.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3272 ]

Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

Re: Marriage question

OP

Re: Marriage question